Barbie’s “Variation Of Stupid” Collection

by Cookie


I had every intention of blogging about the state of my mental health in honour of Bell’sLet’s Talk Day.  But then I came across this magnificent piece of bullshit so stupid that trying to remember just how many glasses of wine I need to drink in order to stop a panic attack had to wait.

Take a look at this:


We proudly add three new body types to our line. Meet the new dolls. Learn more at #TheDollEvolves

I opened up my Facebook, and this is what awaited me on my wall.  “The doll fucking evolves”??  How exactly is it evolving into anything?  The body type variation here isn’t even as good as that fucking Dove commercial with all the chicks in their underpants.

If any of these dolls are supposed to make the more ample girls feel like they are represented, you must be drunk, Barbie.

Let’s break down the Barbies here. From left to right we have:

  1.  The Whitney Houston Before She Became a Coke Head And Died Doll
  2. The Katy Perry With Tits Not Big Enough Doll
  3. The Lisa Ling Who Isn’t Investigating Something For Oprah and Is Wearing Heels Doll
  4. The Salma Hayek Who Isn’t Showing Cleavage Doll
  5. The Anorexic Christina Hendericks Doll
  6. The Not A Size Zero Probably A Size Four When She Was Crazy Brittney Spears Doll

So,,  can you kindly explain to me how the fuck this represents any body type other than tall, thin with small tits, and short, thin with small tits?

You couldn’t even give Katy, Christina and Salma a decent rack?  Have you looked at the female population at all recently?

It’s like how the Plus Size model industry usually consists of women who are about a size 10 or 12.

I’m not saying that we should all strive to be obese.  I’m not saying that unhealthy eating is the way we want to go.  I’m saying that variations of normal in highly under represented and that shitty attempts like this to try to include “big girls”  or “curvy girls” does nothing then make me feel worse about my body.

If this is what is considered to be different body types, I guess everything after that just falls under BLOB status.

Well, fuck you. More than once.  And then again.

I’m going to make my own line of dolls.  There will be Melissa McCarthy dolls, and Christina Hendricks dolls that actually have tits.

There will be Oprah dolls before and after Weight Watchers.

There will be pregnant dolls and 2 weeks postpartum dolls and 2 years postpartum dolls that still have a little paunch.

I’ll probably have a dwarf doll too because fuck yeah.

And I’ll make my very own doll that looks just like me.  Because I am all about the ass.

And you know what Barbie?  I loved you when I was a little girl.  I didn’t feel bothered my your micro-waisted perfect figure girls.  Because that’s who they were and nobody had to apologize for it, because thin girls with long legs are beautiful too.

But now you went and got all awkward and felt like you had to change.  And you don’t know who you are.  And that isn’t beautiful.  It’s messy and stupid.

Confidence is beauty.  Confidence is sexy.  Owning what and who you are whether you are 6 feet tall or 4 feet tall is sexy.  Rocking a big set of knockers or have itty bitty titties is sexy.  Loving yourself at the moment whatever the size of your waist or legs or ass is sexy.

But this?  This is bullshit.