An Ode to Bread

by Cookie


You know shit is starting to go downhill when one of the most exciting things is finding a bag of 10 bagels at Walmart for 3 bucks.  But that’s where I am, Bitches.

Because you know what?  I am just like Oprah.  I love bread.  I fucking love bread.

I might love bread more than I love wine.

No.  I’m a complete liar.  I would sell my bagels to the highest bidder for wine.  I have a two year old and a four year old.  I would starve to death before I would give up wine.

But seriously, I don’t know how I gave bread up for 3 months last year.  It was so hard.  I had gained about 20 pounds and it simply wasn’t in the budget for me to have to go out and buy all new clothes, so I needed to drop a few pounds.  And it worked.  But as I ogle my new bag of 10 bagels for 3 bucks, I keep thinking that there has to be a way to eat bread and not become a baby beluga.

And no, Oprah.  I don’t want your Weight Watcher size bagels.  Because they are tiny and they are bullshit.  I want the real deal.  The fresh bread just baked in the store with melted butter.

A loaf of Italian bread with soft cheese.

Thick cut bread with all the sandwich things inside.

Toast and cottage cheese.  Toast and vegemite.

When I think of all these delicious things, I just say fuck it.  Fat is Phat.  If you are what you eat, I am a soft, warm, hearty  and delicious being.  I go with everything.  Everybody loves me.  I am bread.

This is what one week of the plague gets you Bitches.  An ode to bread.

Bitch on, Bitches.