An Ode to Bread
You know shit is starting to go downhill when one of the most exciting things is finding a bag of 10 bagels at Walmart for 3 bucks. But that’s where I am, Bitches.
Because you know what? I am just like Oprah. I love bread. I fucking love bread.
I might love bread more than I love wine.
No. I’m a complete liar. I would sell my bagels to the highest bidder for wine. I have a two year old and a four year old. I would starve to death before I would give up wine.
But seriously, I don’t know how I gave bread up for 3 months last year. It was so hard. I had gained about 20 pounds and it simply wasn’t in the budget for me to have to go out and buy all new clothes, so I needed to drop a few pounds. And it worked. But as I ogle my new bag of 10 bagels for 3 bucks, I keep thinking that there has to be a way to eat bread and not become a baby beluga.
And no, Oprah. I don’t want your Weight Watcher size bagels. Because they are tiny and they are bullshit. I want the real deal. The fresh bread just baked in the store with melted butter.
A loaf of Italian bread with soft cheese.
Thick cut bread with all the sandwich things inside.
Toast and cottage cheese. Toast and vegemite.
When I think of all these delicious things, I just say fuck it. Fat is Phat. If you are what you eat, I am a soft, warm, hearty and delicious being. I go with everything. Everybody loves me. I am bread.
This is what one week of the plague gets you Bitches. An ode to bread.
Bitch on, Bitches.