This Kindergarten Thing Is Stressing Me Out

by Cookie

My kids have been driving me absolutely bonkers crazy lately.  Maybe it’s the fact that Husband is finishing up a night shift rotation and that in itself usually has me at the end of my rope.  During those two weeks it feels like I don’t ever have any alone time other than the (if I’m lucky) hour after I finally get the kids to bed.

But at the same time, I have been feeling super emotional and letting those insane feelings of let’s have one more baby infiltrate my usually ice cold heart of steel.

So what’s got me all worked up?

Tomorrow is my Twee Destroyer’s kindergarten information session.

I feel like my heart is going to explode into a million tiny pieces.  Like it’s breaking and beating out of my chest at the same time. HOW?  How did this happen so quickly?  How did 5 years go by in such a flash?

And how did they do that when each day sometimes feels like a fucking eternity until bedtime?

I’m just not ready to have to share her.  The thought of her being gone and entrusted in the care of someone else for half a day 5 days a week makes me so incredibly sad.  And it kind of freaks me out a little too.

How do I put her on the bus with some stranger and trust that they will take her there safely?  How do I know they will drive carefully?  How will she know where to go when the bus stops at school?  Will someone notice if she fucks off in the wrong direction?  How will they make sure she gets on the bus at the end of the day?  What if she gets lost during recess?

And what if my beautiful child, who always tries to include every child when she’s out with other kids, who always takes the time to ask why someone is crying and make them feel better, doesn’t make any friends?  What if she is that kid who doesn’t have anyone to play with? What if the other kids are mean to her?

What if she likes being at school better than she likes being with me?

And I know it’s supposed to be liberating for me, to have a little break during the day.  But I still have Buddy here with me so it won’t be really.  I mean, it’ll be nice to have that time alone with him.

But I’ll miss her.  So, so much.

And as I look at her this morning, as she casually chats away about Star Wars and the Easter Bunny, I wonder how our conversations will change next year.  We won’t do a “recap” at the end of each day talking about what WE did.  We’ll be talking about HER day.  And what SHE did.  And what SHE learned.  Without me.

I am such an asshole.  I know I should be excited for her.  She is so, so excited to get on the school bus in the fall.  But I’m just not. I’m just sad.

So.  How about that third baby, Husband?