Change Is Hard But Peace Is Nice

by Cookie


Today is one of those extremely rare mornings where I snuck out of bed and managed to not wake up anybody else.  Except the dog. The fucking dog always wakes up and falls down the stairs or something just to ruin the peace.

Anyway, it’s rare that I get a moment to myself these days.  Toddlers and preschoolers are exhausting and needy in a way I didn’t think could out-need a baby.  But in some ways they are.  And although we actually sleep through the night nowadays, the level of energy required to keep a toddler and a preschooler entertained and alive exceeds the current amount of caffeine in my diet.

The landscape is changing here.  I just filled out the one million forms it takes to register your child for kindergarten.  Adding in the daily logistics of getting Destroyer to and from school is going to complicate things a bit.

Buddy is talking in full sentences and although he still sees me as his number one girl, I can feel him turning into a person and I can watch my baby slip away from me.  I am trying to prepare myself to sell/give away the baby stuff we no longer need.  I can’t decide which is harder, going into the storage area and hauling it out, or the emotional issue of parting ways with that era of our lives.

I am trying so hard to accept the good with the bad.  Is there a little more freedom happening?  Yes and no.  I mean, on the plus side, we can hang out with other couples that have kids and all the children just hang out and leave us alone.  So there’s that.

But soon enough I will no longer have complete autonomy over what our days look like.  I will have to live by the school schedule like everybody else.

Anyway.  It’s just so quiet this morning, and I keep thinking, is this what the house will sound like in a couple more years, when the kids are gone all day?

What will I do?  How am I going to adjust my work hours to still be able to parent effectively? How will we fit in all the things and still just get to do cool stuff as a family?

I get this sense that time is about to fast forward, and I need something, anything to put the brakes on.    I wish I cold just hold these moments in a pause and not ever let them go.  Even the ones where everyone is acting like an asshole and it’s chaos and I almost cry from the sheer stupidity of our life.  Especially those ones.

If anyone wonders why I write down all of the ridiculous things that go on here, its so I never forget them.  And so I never forget how I felt in these moments.  So I can relive the happy, the sad, the frustration and the all the ways my heart learned new tricks.

And for now, I am going to enjoy the quiet, and hope that it’s a sign that nothing asshole is going to happen today.