“Top Ten” Lists That Would ACTUALLY Change My Life

by Cookie



In my news reading this morning, I came upon this delightful piece of crap.

It’s entitled “Things you’ve been doing wrong all your life”.

I didn’t even read through all of it because you know what?  If I think about all the things I fucked up in the last two days, I would already feel like such a loser and I didn’t need any more help.

I didn’t feel the need to read one more article about all these tricks that I can do around the house which will make my life easier.  Because you know what?  THEY WON’T.

So no, msn.com, I don’t want to know what else I’ve been doing wrong my whole life.  And no, I don’t want to know how to get icing in my mouth in every single bit of my cupcake.  It’s not life changing and I don’t give a fuck.

You know what WILL change my life and make things easier?

  1. Lifetime supply of wine.  Cupcakes got nothing over wine.
  2. A robot or a midget that follows the children around the house and puts back all the shit they touch and leave lying in the middle of the floor.
  3. Winning the lottery. DUH
  4. Sleep.
  5. Nobody puking on the stairs for a whole day.  ( this has now happened three days in a row)
  6. Somebody doing as they’re told the first time I ask them to do it.  HAHAHAHHAHAHA!
  7. A whine free zone.  (NOT a wine free zone.  omg.  I can’t even)
  8. Zombie Apocalypse.  For reals.
  9. If Global Warming could go ahead and hurry the fuck up, it would make parenting in this god forsaken frozen wasteland a lot easier.
  10. Death.

I mean, does anybody ever really do these things that all these “Top Ten” lists recommend?  Who has time for this shit?

Honestly, I just want to get through a whole day where all the things that need to be taken care of get done.  Where I don’t spend half the time yelling at everyone to get their shit together or stop killing each other or at the very least stop screaming at the top of their goddamn lungs.

Is there a  list for that?

How about a list for “Top Ten Ways To Be Drunk All The Time Without Becoming An Alcoholic”?

Or “Ten Ways To Not Die Of Exhaustion By The Time Your Child Starts Kindergarten”?

Or “How To Live In A Bigger House Without Having To Clean It.”

Or “Ten Reasons your Toddler Can Survive On Chocolate Milk Alone”

Or “Ten Best Swears To Use When Yelling At Your Kids”

Or “Ten Ways To Pretend Like Your Pre-pregnancy Clothes Still Look Good On You”

And my personal favourite:

Or “10 Best Ways To Not Suck At Life”

Any of you Bitches want to guest blog for me on any of the above lists?  You’re in.