GUEST POST: Ten Ways To Drink All The Time And Not Look Like An Alcholic
Yesterday I came up with some Top Ten Lists that I’d like to see, and my blogging buddy Fat Bottom Girl Said What agreed to a guest post. She picked the best topic, one I hold very near and dear to my heart: Drinking.
Here it is, in all its hilarious glory:
Cookie, at IHAVEANOPINIONIDLIKETOSHARE, was waxing poetic (nee sarcastic) about Top Ten lists the other day, and said it would be nice to see some lists which would change the lives of over-worked, under-sexed, exhausted parents who like to hide in the laundry room and drink, whilst pretending to match the socks, which we all know is a lie, because you just throw them all in the damn drawer and hope for the best.
So, being the giver that I am–just ask my ex-boyfriends about all the money I spent on them–I volunteered my services to try to come up with a list. Of course, I picked the list suggestion regarding alcohol, because it’s something I feel I know about. (Sips wine while typing.) Here’s my Top Ten:
Ten Ways To Drink All The Time And Not Look Like An Alcholic
(Sorry, took a little liberty with the list name. I’m a writer–and Bobby Brown–so it’s my prerogative.)
1. Make your drink a meal. My preference for a “meal drink” is the Bloody Mary. Seriously, you can dress it up with various accoutrements, until it’s basically a buffet in a glass. I was lucky enough to experience the world famous Bloody Mary buffet at Hell’s Kitchen in Minneapolis, MN, a few months ago. Hands down, one of the best ways to be drunk without being an alcoholic.
- You can have beef sticks and boiled eggs and tiny cocktail onions in your Bloody Mary. What a perfect disguise for drunk!
2. Whenever possible, drink concoctions with little umbrellas and fruit in them, preferably poolside.
- Umbrellas say “I’ve come to party” but the fruit keeps it serious with “I’m concerned about preventing scurvy”.
If the weather isn’t cooperating, and your mortgage and car payment are more important than a trip to the beach, you can just drink it while soaking your feet in a tub of hot water, because I’m guessing your dogs are barking, and you need to slough off a couple of bunions anyway.
3. With wheat, oats, corn, and rice, as some of its main ingredient, beer is pretty much cereal at its finest, but has a hell of a lot less sugar in it than Cap’n Crunch, so why aren’t you drinking it as a meal substitute?
- European monks originally brewed beer as a source of sustenance, so it’s basically the bread of life. Let’s have some fucking toast! (Maybe that’s why they call it “getting toasted”??)
4. “Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink, I feel shame! Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this wine, they might be out of work, and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, ‘It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.” —Jack Handey
So, drink wine and do your part for the common good and keep people employed. Don’t kill anyone’s dreams!
5. “Shaken not stirred.” Drink martinis because they make you look cool as shit,obviously.
- James Bond. Cool as fuck. Need I say more?
6. – 10. We’re all busy, so I’m going to cut to the chase and tell you to drink what you want, when you want.
I’m not saying carry flasks of bourbon to your kid’s t-ball game or sneak vodka into the gymnastics tournament, but for fuck’s sake, life is hard, and when you’ve got a kid or two, it can put some pressure on.
We all want to be perfect parents, but let’s face it, we’re never going to be, and our kids will still be blaming us in therapy for years to come, regardless of whether we embarrassed them by farting loudly while standing next to them in the Walmart aisle or not.
Booze, in numerous forms, is enjoyable–mimosas, ice cold beers, bourbon and cokes, champagne–it all serves its purpose, and sometimes that purpose is simply to calm you the hell down enough so you can make it through one more damn day of this crazy shit we call life.
Now go call your sponsor.