Liar Liar Pants On Fire

by Cookie

You know what I hate?

Besides corn in lasagna and bugs and people in general?


I fucking hate liars.

There is nothing that will make me want to punch you in the vagina more than lying to me.  It is just so irritating. And if you don’t have a vagina, I’m happy to tear you a new hole and then punch you in it.  That’s how mad it makes me. You are basically telling me:

  1. That you assume my reaction would be unreasonable and therefore it’s my fault.  Which may or may not be the case.  But if you do something dickish, don’t expect a parade.  At least own up to it.
  2. You think I’m stupid.  Stupid enough to believe you. I am a lot of things…bitchy, a little scary, but stupid is not one of them.  I will find out, and I will vagina punch you.

First of all, if you feel like you need to lie about something, what have you done that is so terrible that it needs to be hidden?  All lying does is take the already dirty asshole thing you’ve done and also turn you into a coward.  We lie because we are afraid to face the consequences of our actions.  So why don’t you just not do an asshole thing to begin with, and then you no longer have to be a dick or a coward?

People who lie are also lazy.  They lie because what you’re asking is too inconvenient for them to address. So they tell you they don’t know, or they’ll pass on your question/need/desire to someone else so they don’t have to get off their ass.

And people who are liars are afraid of dealing with a reaction to the truth so they take the easy road and make up a bunch of bullshit.  It would be easier if we could just be honest about what our limitations are or where our boundaries are set.  Then you wouldn’t have to lie.  And even though it feels hard to even be honest with ourselves about shit like that, in the end you will be respecting people more by doing so.

Because here’s the thing.  The truth has a way of coming around to bite you in the ass.  It always comes out eventually.  Or you have to keep making up new lies to cover up the old one and all you’re really doing is turning yourself into a shittier and shittier human.

And no, I’m not talking about stories we make up to get our children to do as they’re told or to try new things.  There IS a parental pass on lying that is definitely a loophole in the Ten Commandments or something.  I mean, yesterday I told the Destroyer that the only way to scare sharks away when swimming is to put your face under water so they can tell you’re a human.  Because humans eat sharks and sharks are scared of humans.

Totally does not count in the assholery department.  That is just rock solid parenting.

But in the grown up world….just tell the truth.  You’ll feel better.I’ll feel better.

And nobody will get vagina punched.