ihaveanopinionidliketoshare

thoughts on life, parenting, news, and crazy shit

Month: April, 2016

Surviving The First 5 Years And Making A Bucket List

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So not that I plan on dying anytime soon, but I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how the days seem to drag on, but the months fly by.  And then I think that my Twee Destroyer isn’t so Twee anymore.  Almost five years have passed since I grew that beautiful little devil and brought her wrath upon the Earth. Her wrath of charm and beauty and door slamming tantrums and the ability to maintain adorableness through ever second of it.

And I also thought how us grownups are slowly but surely starting to gain a little more freedom as the kids get older, at least in the sense that I can hire babysitters more often and feel ok about it.  They looooove babysitters.

And so do I.

Sometimes I feel bad about going out without them after we already spend so much time working, but you know what?

I’m starting to get over that.  What I’ve realized is that the first 5 years of a child’s life are the most trying thing you will ever go through.  It is physically, emotionally and mentally exhausting.  Everything about me is tired. I have one hair on my head that is so fucking tired that it can’t even stay brown.  One hair that just says “fuck it” every couple of days and turns silver.

It is also infinitely rewarding to see little bits of your influence and guidance sneak out of your babies when you least expect it.  The word “fuck” notwithstanding.  Somehow, by the grace of all things holy, my kids don’t swear.  Yet.  But when they do go to school, at least they’ll be able to use those words in proper context.

Anyway, I kinda feel like the first 5 years are like baby bootcamp.  Or like Basic Training in the army.  You spend 5 years deep in the trenches of shit with the purpose of wearing you down and making you capable of handling anything that comes your way in the later years.  You keep thinking “If I was able to do that on 4 hours of sleep per week, I can handle anything.”  And maybe I will and maybe I won’t, but at least I’ll be sleeping better.  There’s that.

So maybe I’m just foolish, but I’ve been making a bit of a bucket list of things I want to accomplish for myself, once my offspring are safely in the care of a teacher, 5 days a week, 6 hours a day.  6 hours!  Every single day!  That’s almost how long it took me just to get Destroyer dressed yesterday!  What will I do with 6 hours every single day?

I have a few years to plan still, but here is my list:

  1. Run a 10k. For reals, just to say I fucking did it.  I feel like this is a goal I can accomplish in the next year.  I’ve always wanted to do this.  Also, good preparation for zombie apocalypse.  Cardio.
  2. Get back in the saddle.  Literally.  I used to ride horses 2 times a week in my late teens/early twenties.  I miss it so much.
  3. Finally learn to play piano for real.  With actual practice.  Without interruptions.
  4. Watch Dr.Phil everyday.  Because trash tv is my vice of choice.  After tequila.  And wine.  Ok, it’s #3, but still important.
  5. Go on a hunting or fishing  trip.  Kill the things, eat the meat.  Beat my chest and drink beer with the boys.
  6. Go to New York City.  Without my children.  Grandma??
  7. Take a course.  Something totally different from what I do now.   Maybe switch careers, maybe just learn to do something new.  My brain needs stimulation!
  8. Drive the West Coast from Vancouver to San Francisco.  Because, wine country!
  9. Have a date night with my hubby every single week.  Every week, because think of it like back pay for the first five years.  Right?
  10. Nothing.  Do absolutely nothing but sit in bed and watch movies.  Eat junk food.  Order a pizza.  Sweat pants.  The best ever.

So, Bitches?  Do you ever fantasize about what you’ll you once your kids go to school?  Is this all just wishful thinking?

How did life change for you after the first 5 years?

Tell me your things, send me your lists!

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Don’t Be An Asshole To The Trans Person Trying To Pee Either

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In the apparent third installment of what is turning out to be my “Don’t Be An Asshole” series, let’s talk about this transgender bathroom law in North Carolina.

Let me start by asking this:

Huh?

Followed by:

What?

And a:

Da fuck?

Is this actually what all people in suits and fancy shoes spend their days thinking about and working on?  They worry about who is using what bathroom?

They’ve got mass shootings happening at an alarming rate in their country.  Addiction and poverty, with the gap between the rich and the poor only getting wider.  Some crazy ass people half a world away who want to kill us all every day, and our lawmakers are busying themselves trying to prevent somebody from using the can?

How about you make a law that says if you are a terrorist with a bomb you can’t use ANY bathroom in the States?  That would be useful.  I mean, if you gotta go you gotta go.  And not giving bad people bathroom rights is one way to keep asshole killers out of your country, right?

Look. Transgenderism (is that a word?  I’m so sorry if it isn’t.  Please educate me.) is something that can be difficult to wrap your head around.  We as a society have been taught and simply accept that whatever genitalia is on the outside determines who we are on the inside.  That’s the truth that I have always known as well, but I also am willing and determined to understand and accept a new one.

And I know something else.  I don’t actually give a shit about what is going on in your pants.  I give a shit about whether or not you are nice to me and my kids.  I give a shit about whether or not you are happy and whole and treated like a human being and treat other people with kindness and decency.  I give a shit that you are respected for whoever you are and that you can walk around without being scared of being hurt.  I give a shit that you can use the bathroom because you are a person, and sometimes you have to take a shit too.

Although I highly recommend only pooping at home, because who wants to smell up a bathroom and have everybody know that they pooped there?  (This is my own personal hang up and actually a whole other post.) 

Anyway.  I’m just wondering about these fucking politicians who made the law in the first place.  In their giant mansions with 17 bathrooms, do they have designated boy and girl bathrooms?  Are moms allowed to take their children into the same bathroom as them? Do they have a Bathroom Constable who monitors the use of the toilets and make sure no one is getting assaulted?

I don’t care if you are a trans woman who may or may not have a penis ans you are sitting in the stall next to me.  I don’t actually care if you are a trans woman with a robotic piece of garden hose that you pee out of. Who actually DOES care about this? It’s a fucking bathroom.

I’ll tell you who cares about it.  People who are afraid.  People tend to get afraid of things they don’t understand or can’t identify with. And the idea of someone with a penis saying that they are a woman ( or the other way around) and wanting to have surgery to correct their anatomy is a very difficult thing  to understand.  And so people react by trying to put blame or shame on those who are different from them because they are trying to protect their truth.

It really has nothing to do with the trans community.  It has to do with fear and uncertainty and people who so arrogantly think they know what is best for everybody else.

If this law was really about protecting women, they would realize that the real folks in danger are most likely the trans women who would be forced to use a man’s restroom.  They are the ones who will be assaulted.  Not the cis women sharing a bathroom with a trans woman.

My biggest fear for the trans community is that this law will force more trans folk to hide who they are to their coworkers and friends.  I fear that they won’t feel comfortable to publicly identify as trans and I worry about the toll that takes on one’s mental health. Nobody should have to hide from themselves. Trans folk already have such a high risk of depression and suicide, and this law is such a giant step back.

Bitches, every single human being on this planet deserves to be treated with respect and dignity.It’s 2016.  Aren’t we past making laws that segregate people?  Should we get the trans community their own buses and water fountains?  COME ON ALREADY.

The bigotry that this law was founded on reeks of assholery and bullshit.

I think if anything we should make an anti asshole law.  Because THAT, Bitches, would be revolutionary and would actually change the goddamn world.

Don’t be as asshole. Let people use the fucking bathroom.

 

 

Don’t Be An Asshole To Your Kids Either: What Monday Taught Me

Yesterday, Bitches, my kids were complete assholes.

From the start of the day until the moment we lay down to go to sleep they whined and fought and cried and bitched and moaned and I came so close to putting them both up for sale.

It was seriously a shitty day.

But I think I learned something new.

After the one millionth time I yelled at them, and honestly I can’t even remember what it was this time, I’d finally had enough of the shit they were dealing.  I was trying to just get a couple things done around the house.  You know, so there was food to eat and clean clothes to wear…the glamorous stuff. Anyway, Buddy was on a major freak out. Over a broken cracker.  And if you’ve never been stuck in a house with a 2 year old who is busy having a fucking shit fit about everything in the universe for 3 hours straight all while your poor husband is trying to sleep after a night shift, be thankful.

So I finally completely lost all patience and plucked him out of his chair, half dragged him up to his room and left him there to work out his fit.

5 minutes later he’s still screaming.  Except hes not screaming. He’s sobbing.

And Bitches, that’s my Buddy. 

I was still so fucking frustrated  and mad but he was sobbing.  So I went up to him and ask what his problem is and all he says is “nuggle you”.  Which in Buddy talk means “I need to snuggle you.”

So all this time he’s losing his shit all over the place, and even after I am a super asshole mom, all he really needs is that?

All that time he’s following me around whining and complaining while I try to load the dishwasher and throw some laundry in, he just wanted to snuggle?

So I sit on his bed and he crawls in my lap and immediately calms down.

And you what else happened?  I did too.  I felt all the mad and frustration go away as soon as I “nuggled” my Buddy.  It’s funny how what he needed seemed to be the same as what I needed.

So what did I learn?  I learned that I need to just let go of my agenda sometimes.  I learned that I can’t always expect things to go as planned.  I learned that it is ok if the dishes sit on the counter today if what my kids need is just a little more attention.

No wonder they get so excited about babysitters coming over.  They don’t have to worry about cleaning or cooking or working when they’re here.  They only have to focus on hanging out with the kids and the kids don’t have to compete with anything for their attention.

I learned that sometimes, having a productive day means that we had a happy one where I paid attention. I learned that sometimes, my job doesn’t have to be to do all the things.  It can be to do just the one thing.

I learned that a hug can cure most things.

And I learned that being an asshole because my kids are being assholes doesn’t help.

Less assholery.  More love. Don’t be an asshole.

 

 

 

 

Don’t Be An Asshole, Be A Good Neighbor.

Neighborhoods.  Communities. Parenthood.

Last week a woman in Winnipeg got a visit from Child and Family Services regarding an anonymous complaint of her children being unsupervised outside.  You can read the full article here.

The woman, who’s kids are 10, 5 and 2, let them play in her fenced backyard while she watched from inside the house.

Now obviously to me, the complaint was unfounded and simply just stupid.  Unfortunately for this mom, who made a reasonable decision that her 10 year old was responsible enough to be “in charge” of the little ones with her close by and within sight for help if necessary, this complaint will be permanently on record.  Once a complaint is made, it can’t be undone.

What a total crock of the worst smelling shit.

This whole thing just reeks of a total loss of community.  Not to mention every parent in town is now re-evaluating their behavior with their children.

The biggest and most glaring issue to me is why this anonymous complainant made an official complaint in the first place.  It’s just so telling of the fact that in many cases we don’t get to know our neighbors anymore.  We live next door to people that we don’t take the time to know or care about.  If there had been a real sense of community where this mom lived, someone would have either known her well enough to know she was close by and the kids were safe, or felt like it was ok to knock on the door and make sure she knew the kids were outside alone.

Either one of those things would have been way more productive than calling CFS.

The other thing that really burns my ass is that another person feels so fucking superior that they think their opinion and judgement trumps the call of the mom involved.  Sometimes, you just need to mind your own fucking business.  These weren’t “at risk” kids.  These were kids who were learning to be a little more independent, something this next generation is going to have to figure out at some point.

Furthermore, what even constitutes as “unsupervised”?  If I let my kids play downstairs while I am having a shower or folding laundry in the bedrooms, they can find a whole lot of trouble. Should you call the cops?

Do I have to be in direct line of sight?  Do I have to have one foot or other appendage firmly implanted up my kids ass? Do I have to be arms length away?

Do I have to be “spotting” them under a play structure?

Can I turn my fucking head and watch my other kids at the other side of the park, or should I now be tethering them together so that I can watch them both at the exact same time?

I am so sick of hearing about shit like this.  Can’t we just get to know each other and look after one another?  Can’t we have enough respect for the people that live in our communities that we take the time to build meaningful relationships?

I am that mom at the park who talks to ALL the moms.  I want to get to know the other parents and hopefully build friendships with them as our kids go to school together.  I want my children to be friendly and include all the kids when they play.  I want to see kids playing outside together and laughing and being real, not just sitting in front of a computer or tv screen with make believe characters.

Yesterday, we went to the park and there was a large family playing soccer.  And my little Destroyer toddled right over to destroy their game.

And you know what?  There was a Dad and five kids.  All of them were older than her except one little guy similar in age to her.  And without hesitation, without any sort of “what the fuck does this kid want?” they just invited her to play.  She happily ran all over the field, and every so often, someone would pass her the ball, and cheer her on as they let her run the field with the ball and score. It was a very tender moment, and one I will never forget.

And it made me sad to see one other child and their parent walk past this impromptu game of “scrub soccer” with their ball and play by themselves.  I’m not sure if they just wanted to practice alone, or if they assumed they wouldn’t be welcome.  It made me sad to think the latter was true.

I want my kids to grow up in a place where they have friends close by and I can watch from the window or front lawn as they play street hockey or basketball or ride bikes together.  It’s called being kids.  My kids don’t need to play with me as much as they need to play with other kids.

And I shouldn’t have to worry about some uptight douche-canoe calling the cops on me because I’m letting my kids play “unsupervised”.  Part of the life long supervision I am providing to my kids will be to teach them some appropriate levels of independence as I see fit.  And that doesn’t just happen at a magic age.

So people, instead of being a fucking hero and tattle taleing on some undeserving family, why don’t you try building the community around you?  Instead of tearing it down through anonymous complaints and assholery, throw a BBQ for your neighbors and get to know one another.  Be active in each others lives and take care of one another.

Don’t be an asshole.

 

 

No, Karla Homolka Can’t Live Next Door To Me, My Serial Rapist Card Is Full

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Do you guys remember Karla Homolka?

That crazy bitch who let her boyfriend rape her own sister because of some sick sexual fantasy?  And then let her die after a drug and alcohol combination that she had given her?

Oh, and then she proceeded to kidnap, torture and rape two more teenage girls.  Then she watched her partner ( husband at this time ) murder them.

She videotaped the whole thing and then her and her husband used the videos to reenact things again and again to get off.

She ended up getting convicted of manslaughter and spending only about 12 years in prison for her role in the serial rape and murder of these children.  She married the brother of her defense attorney and has just been found living  in a small town of Quebec with her three children (what the fuck?!)  under a new identity.

And, according to this article, some people think she should be given a second chance.

Ummmmmm, WHAT?

How about no fucking way and fuck you?

She was a serial rapist and accomplice to murders.  The only reason she was able to plea bargain her way down was because the Prosecution signed her deal before the video tapes of the actual crimes were found.  Homolka claimed at the time that she was a victim of abuse and only did what her husband made her do.  What a bunch of actual shit.  She got off on the crimes they committed just as much as he did.

Parents in the community where Homolka now live are freaking the fuck out.  And I would be too.  This psycho’s kids go to their school, so she is seen dropping off her kids at a public school on a daily basis.

NO. JUST NO.

I’m sorry, but it’s not like she stole a loaf of bread.  This woman is a predator who committed horrible crimes of sexual violence against children.  She should never be allowed within a mile of a school ever and if she ever has contact with children should be back in jail.

Serial killers don’t get rehabilitated.  They don’t even know enough about the psychology of what’s going on in their fucked up brains to evaluate them properly, let alone fix them.  Give me a goddamn break.

I am so sick of hearing about all these fucking psycho asshole pieces of shit who get let out of prison and get to go on their merry way like they never did anything wrong.  Why should Homolka get to change her name and have this happy life after what she did?  Why does she get to live anonymously in this community where the parents have NO IDEA that she’s there?  I’m pretty sure I would like to know if a woman with a history of raping and killing little girls lived in my neighborhood.

As far as I’m concerned, the only second chance she gets is between her and God.  She doesn’t get a happy ever after here on Earth.  The parents of the girls she killed don’t get one.

Karla Homolka is not a victim.  She doesn’t have a mental illness that caused her to go off the rails temporarily and do something heinous.  The problem with the world today is that everybody is a goddamn victim of something and uses it as an excuse to be a right asshole.  I don’t care if your Daddy beat you, or if kids teased you at school (which was not the case with Homolka anyway).  You don’t get to go around killing people and offering your little sister’s virginity to some psycho because he called you fat.  I mean if that was the case, I’d have killed a shit ton of people myself already.

Jesus Fuck Canada.  Could you imagine what would have happened to this chick if she lived in the States?  God Bless America today.  Donald Trump and all.

 

 

 

I Don’t Give A Shit How You Feed Your Baby, As Long As You Feed Your Baby.

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Here’s the thing about Moms.  They (We) are the craziest, most passionate and stubborn group of people out there.  And it’s because we love our kids so much and want to give them every chance to succeed in life.

In this generation of Mothers, one of the hot topics is breastfeeding.  We have come to accept fairly consistently that “Breast is Best”. We fight for our right to breastfeed our children anywhere they need to be fed.  We have interest groups like the La Leche League who try to support women and help them breastfeed.  We have “Breastfeeding Awareness Week”or some other special recognition to help educate women about the benefits of breastfeeding.

And there have been numerous studies done that show how much better breastfed babies do in life when it comes to IQ and education.

Well.  Guess what?

There is now ANOTHER study ( read this article) that has been done that factors in things like socioeconomic status and IT shows that breastfeeding isn’t necessarily best.  It is barely statistically significantly better than formula.  That it is marginally better at most.

One of the things I found interesting is that families that are more educated and have a higher socioeconomic status are more likely to breastfeed.  I find that super weird because formula is fucking expensive.  You would think somebody that is close to the poverty line would be more likely to breastfeed, but I suppose they also have a lack of resources and education to help them through it.

Anyway, this is what I think:

I don’t give a shit how you feed your baby, as long as you feed your baby. 

Seriously.  It’s really that simple.

Why on earth is something so personal and beautiful as the relationship between a mother and her baby up for debate?

And why are people assholes sometimes about shit that doesn’t affect their life?

Let me be clear:   I love the idea of breastfeeding.  I think it is what nature intended.  I believe in and stick up for a mother’s right to breastfeed anywhere her baby is hungry.  I think it has many benefits besides just nutrition and antibodies.  I think it is a beautiful thing.

Until it isn’t.

So many women, ( myself included) tried really hard to breastfeed their children.  I wanted so desperately to have that experience.  With my first, no milk came in.  With my second, it came in and my boobs simply did not work.  I had nurses and lactation people come over every day.  We tried to hook up tubes to my nipples. We tried everything and it just didn’t work.  And then I felt like a big fat failure.

So here’s the thing:  When people advocate for something, regardless of the specific nature of the topic, they need to be very careful that their advocacy doesn’t turn into a statement of superiority.

Is breastfeeding really best?  For some I’m sure it is.

But I can tell you that all the “pro-breastfeeding” information also served (unintentionally) to make people like myself feel like they were failing their kids right from the start. So you have to be careful that your positive experience with something doesn’t serve to cut someone else down for having to make another choice.  A choice that now appears as though it is just as beneficial for their child.

And that’s the key.  THEIR CHILD.

I think what happens is that people take their own experiences and love them so much that they want everyone else to have them too.  We can’t understand how something so wonderful in our experience could ever be hard or shitty for someone else.  It truly starts out with the best of intentions, but we need to learn to accept that everyone has different circumstances and their choices need respecting too. I have seen moms want so desperately to have an experience with breastfeeding that is all unicorns and rainbows that their baby almost starves in the first few weeks because they can’t accept that it isn’t working.

We get so caught up on what should be, that we can’t accept what is.

So yes.  I support breastfeeding. And I support formula feeding.  I support all moms who love their babies, and I don’t think we need any more studies about how much smarter or prettier breastfeeding your child will or not will make them.  Because in the end, I don’t think that should or will have an impact on the choice a mother has to make.

I think it’s ok to share your experiences, but it needs to be an exchange.  Just trading war stories, you know? It might make someone know that there are options for them, but it should never make someone feel like shit for doing the best they can with the situation given to them.

So go feed your babies,Bitches, and leave my titties alone.

 

 

Underpants Are Bad For your Health

Oh Bitches.  You know me, I looooooove a little vagina talk first thing in the morning.  And this morning, msn.com came through for me with this little gem.

Ever wonder about wearing underpants to bed?  Apparently it’s bad for you.  Especially if you’re a boy.

Ok.  I know, not really vagina talk.  It’s penis talk.  But you need to know that wearing underpants at night overheats your junk and affect the little swimmers in there trying to come out and become tiny humans.

Anyway.  I actually really hate underwear.   I hate them even more after having children because they never seem to sit right.  Either too tight, or they roll down my tummy.  Too skimpy in the front and I have a hard time feeling sexy in them because mummy fucking tummy.  I guess I could Bridget Jones myself into a pair of ginormous old lady panties but I feel like they are always crawling up my ass in the back.

Sigh.

I tip my hat to the inventor of yoga pants because underwear feels completely unnecessary in them.  And I also tip my hat to summer if it ever fucking gets here so that I can just wear a bating suit underneath a sundress and skip the gitch all together.

I mean, what is the actual point of underpants anyway? Is is supposed to be a barrier between the seam of your pants and your cooter?  Boys don’t have cooters. Does it hurt your balls to rub against your pants?  What’s the difference between underpants and regular pants?  It’s stupid.

I am going to start a movement. The No-Underpants movement.  The Bitches For Commando Evo-fucking-lution.  Sorry Victoria’s Secret.  The Secret is that I hate you, and the jig is up. It’s better this way.

Who’s in?

This Mom Guilt Thing Is A Real Asshole

For all of you who are parents to more than one child, do you remember what it was like to have to say “goodbye” to your only child when your second was about to arrive?  How did it change your relationship with your oldest?  How do you cope with being two places or everywhere at the same time?

I came across a series of photos online yesterday of moms last moments alone with their firstborns shortly before they birthed their second baby.  I remember that moment so vividly, and I wish so badly that I had a birth photographer to capture it for me.

I remember that I had been in labour for 22 hours already and awake since the day before.  I remember Husband’s mum was there to take care of her while we left to bring our Buddy Earthside  And I remember her standing in her little sundress on the steps and looking at her with the saddest heart ever.

It wasn’t like I wouldn’t see her the next day.  It wasn’t like we were going away for a long time or not coming back.  But we kind of were.

I had to say goodbye to who she was at that moment and embrace a new role for her.  She was no longer going to be my whole world, she was only going to be a part of it.  And I felt like how can I do this to her?  How can I takeaway her job of being the single most important thing in my life and make her share it?  I felt terrible and sad  and selfish for leaving.

In that moment I had to mourn my only child and replace her with a big sister, and as dumb as that sounds it broke my heart into a million pieces.

And of course Buddy was and still is the clingiest, snuggliest, most sensitive little guy ever and is in constant demand of my attention.  He’s almost three and still needs his Mommy fiercely.  So I wonder how my Twee Destroyer of Hearts feels about that.

I wonder if she remembers the almost two years we had alone together or if she just accepts what is.  I wonder if I sometimes ignore her needs because her brother is younger and his needs are more immediate and usually a lot louder.  I wonder if she feels like I love her less because she has a little brother.

Which of course I don’t.  I just feel like I am always out of time, you know?  Like by the time I am done work and dinner and laundry and tending to all the things that need tending, that I have so little time left at the end of the day to just hang out with her and listen to what she wants to tell me.

I feel like the end of everyday is crammed into those final moments on the steps before I left for the hospital.  Like I want nothing more than just to sit there with her but there is always something pulling me away.  And I worry that she thinks I don’t care enough.

I have a lot of guilt lately.  I feel like I am never enough.  To anyone, but especially my babies, and even more especially to her.

The mom guilt is brutal lately, Bitches.  How do you pick yourself up?

 

I Used To Be Dirrrty, But Now I’m Just Gross.

Being the creator and manager of two tiny humans sure is a nice gig.  Most of the time.  They are hilarious and adorable and really interesting individuals.

They are also surprisingly gross.  And yeah, I get it.  Childhood is about exploration and experimentation and discovery.  It’s how they learn.

Trust me, I am one of those parents who doesn’t get get all worked up when my kids gets filthy outside by playing in the mud or splashing in puddles.  I put paint out and let them paint their hair and arms and whatever.

But seriously, they do the grossest shit.

  1. Yesterday Buddy, who is currently a snot factory, came running over to me.  “MOMMA! MOMMA!”  Arms out, clearly needing me.  So I reach my hands out to him and he dodges me, grabs my dress in his sticky little hands and wipes his snot fountain booger face all over it.  Dude.  There is a box of Kleenex on the counter and boxes of baby wipes every 10 feet in this house.   Take your gross-a-thon somewhere else.
  2. While playing outside, the kids set up a tea party and while I think they are pretending, someone has collected the dirty meltwater from one area or another in the backyard and they are actually fucking drinking it.
  3. After dropping his freezie on the floor, Buddy picks up the pieces and tries to shove them back in the wrapper.  For like 5 minutes, while the sticky juice is melting down his arms, until he finally gives up and starts sucking on it again.  I mean, he didn’t even attempt to pick any dog hair off.
  4. While changing a shit-splosian diaper, Buddy jumps up and runs away from me.  Because running away is extra fun when you have a shitty ass that you can press up against the walls in the bathroom.
  5. Seriously.  The dog food eating has to stop.

And this was just in the last two days.

I can only imagine what disgusting things they did behind my back and are plotting for today.

Back when Destroyer was about 18 months old, and I was pregnant with Buddy, she was still a real puker.  That baby puked at the drop of a hat.  She puked when she cried.  She puked when she got too full. She puked when she accidentally stuck a cheesecake lollipop down her throat too far while Bestie and I were trying to watch the Oscars.

And you know how I knew that I was definitely a “In It To Win It Parent”?

As she started puking over my freshly shampooed carpet ( thank you pregnancy nesting habits) I ran towards the puke and tried to catch it in my fucking hands.  I would rather be covered in a tiny human’s vomit than have to scrub it out of a carpet.

So, I also am a filthy person.  And not for the reasons you all wish.  Those years are waaaayyyyy behind me.  The only filthy thing that happens around here these days involves an bucket of soapy water and a puke stain on the carpet.  There is nothing sexy left after having children.

Only Grossness. Tiny snot faucets and hairy popsicles and murky drinking water.

The World Is An Offend-A-Thon, And It’s Starting To Get On My Nerves

So Dave Wheeler, a radio host in Winnipeg has gone and gotten himself suspended over a couple of cartoon music videos he made that made fun of a couple areas in town. Now anyone who lives in this city knows that each area of town is notorious for for is stereotypical “tenant”.  It’s almost like an inside joke.

The North End is a rough area.  There is lots of poverty and crime.  The west part like Tuxedo and Charleswood tends to be upper class and have money.  The South end has an enormous Asian population and literally a sushi joint on every corner.  St.Boniface houses a large French speaking population. And Transcona, well, even the residents there refer to it as “Trashcona”.  Because they have a sense of humor and can laugh at themselves a little bit. Whatever.

So the videos Dave Wheeler made got peoples titties all hot and they are demanding that he be fired.

I was only able to see the one about the North End ( the videos have since been taken down), and my reaction was this:  Non reactive.    I felt like it was a parody of all the gangster rap videos out there, with Winnipeg as the backdrop.

Did I think it was funny? Not really.  Did I think it was offensive?  Not really.  It takes a lot more to offend me than that.  I mean, he didn’t even use the word “cunt” once.  What’s to be offended about?

Look.  The guy is a radio host and comedian.  Comedians make fun of things and people.  Sometimes they make fun of things that are serious in nature like politics or war because the whole point of comedians doing what they do is to teach us that if we are laughing at shit, than maybe it isn’t so bad.  Maybe we can just get up and keep on living.

I just feel like this world is turning into a fucking Offend-A-Thon.

Everywhere I look, somebody is offended about something.

Mom breastfeeding her baby?  Let’s get offended by that.  Call all the news stations and suspend her Facebook account for showing “indecent pictures”.

Somebody advocating for the right to make a choice that is different from the one you made as a parent?  Clearly they are trying to suppress your rights.

Woman showing off a super fit body?  Clearly shaming you for looking different than her.

Transgender person using the same bathroom as you? Obviously their need to urinate and ultimate use of the toilet has made the space offensive to be in.

What the actual fuck is wrong with people today?  Have we become so intolerant of intolerance that we don’t actually tolerate differences in each other anymore?

Can’t we laugh about anything ever without harming someone’s rights?

Dave Wheeler posted a couple of videos that poked fun at different areas in the city.  From what I saw, it had nothing to do with race and everything to do with a longstanding Winnipeg joke.  And the videos are two years old.  Why do we give a shit now?

Was it in poor taste?  Ummm...Maybe?  Does it deserve the attention it has been getting?  Does it deserve an organized protest and him being fired?  Absolutely not.  It doesn’t even deserve the time my shitty blog is spending writing about it.

If people spent 10% of the energy they used up getting all pissed off about shit that doesn’t matter on things that actually make the word a better fucking place, the world might actually have a chance at being a better place.

So next time you’re gonna go get all riled up about some crap a comedian said or did, or next time you’re going to try and get a mom breastfeeding her baby arrested for indecent exposure because she violated your rights to not look at her titties, do me a fucking favour.  Go out and spend that time picking up garbage in your neighbourhood.  Go and volunteer to pet cats at the Humane Society.  Go and put together a food hamper and drop it off at Winnipeg Harvest. Go hang out with some old people in a nursing home or join Big Brothers/Big Sisters and make a real difference in someone’s life.

That’s how you can be a hero and fight for a real cause.

But this Captain of the Offended Brigade crap?  Give.It.Up.

 

 

 

 

 

AfterOtis

Written by Natalie Oldham

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