Reasons NOT To Send My Child To Kindergarten

by Cookie

Kindergarten See? Clearly a dangerous place.

With Destroyer starting kindergarten in the fall, I am really starting to feel that urge to have another baby.  It just seems like all of a sudden, my current babies aren’t babies and I feel like I’ve been sleeping through the night for over a year now so it’s clearly time to fuck that up and become crazy and sleep deprived again.  Because that’s when I’m the funnest.  I wrote some of my best shit when pregnant with Buddy.

But it might also be a knee jerk response to the fact that I can’t fathom giving her away to a complete stranger for half a day everyday. I mean, I also have to put her on a bus with some other person that I don’t know and expect them to drive her to a building full of people who aren’t me and just expect them to love her as much as I do.

A couple weeks ago, I registered her for kindergarten.  It was the hardest thing I’ve had to do in parenthood.  I am not ready for this to be a thing.  Not ready for this stage of parenthood.  Not ready for her to learn things from people who aren’t me and have her probably like them better than me.  Those teachers better be bitches, so at least she likes me better than them.  At least I’ll have that.  Right?  RIGHT?

I’ve thought about it and thought about it and think that maybe I should withdraw my registration.  I made a list of pros and cons about sending her to kindergarten:

Reasons Not To Go To Kindergarten:

  1. There are no seatbelts on the schoolbus.
  2. The teacher is not me.  She is prettier than me.  Obviously a total skank.
  3. Other children have germs.
  4. Headlice.
  5. She might have to share things.
  6. Getting dressed in the morning now has a time limit.  Clearly too much pressure for a 5 year old.
  7. She can’t bring her dog.
  8. Destroyer will have to wipe her own ass.
  9. It will make me want to have another baby.
  10. I clearly can’t cope with this change.

Reasons To Go To Kindergarten:

  1. Destroyer will have to wipe her own ass.

So you see, Bitches, the Cons clearly outweigh the Pros.  Always make a list; it provides clarity and reasoning and good, sound logic.

Although, having her learn to wipe her own ass is almost a big enough Pro to send her just about anywhere on the planet.  I mean, how long does a child need someone to wipe her ass after she shits?  Until she’s 5? 10?  I’d actually probably send her to the moon a couple days a week if the astronauts could convince her that wiping her own ass is the thing of the future.

Seriously though.  Part of me is looking forward to having some time alone with Buddy.  He’s never had that, being the second baby and all.  But part of me also thinks that having only one child at home is just way too easy and that if I’m going to maintain this level of crazy, I better get knocked up ASAP.  On the bright side, Husband, you’re life could be about to get way more porno if you agree….

So yeah.  Anyway.  Tell me about sending your Firstborn to kindergarten, Bitches.  Tell me what I’m feeling is normal. Tell me how awesome it is before I do something stupid.  Like have another baby.

Seriously talk me off this ledge.