Reasons NOT To Send My Child To Kindergarten
by Cookie
With Destroyer starting kindergarten in the fall, I am really starting to feel that urge to have another baby. It just seems like all of a sudden, my current babies aren’t babies and I feel like I’ve been sleeping through the night for over a year now so it’s clearly time to fuck that up and become crazy and sleep deprived again. Because that’s when I’m the funnest. I wrote some of my best shit when pregnant with Buddy.
But it might also be a knee jerk response to the fact that I can’t fathom giving her away to a complete stranger for half a day everyday. I mean, I also have to put her on a bus with some other person that I don’t know and expect them to drive her to a building full of people who aren’t me and just expect them to love her as much as I do.
A couple weeks ago, I registered her for kindergarten. It was the hardest thing I’ve had to do in parenthood. I am not ready for this to be a thing. Not ready for this stage of parenthood. Not ready for her to learn things from people who aren’t me and have her probably like them better than me. Those teachers better be bitches, so at least she likes me better than them. At least I’ll have that. Right? RIGHT?
I’ve thought about it and thought about it and think that maybe I should withdraw my registration. I made a list of pros and cons about sending her to kindergarten:
Reasons Not To Go To Kindergarten:
- There are no seatbelts on the schoolbus.
- The teacher is not me. She is prettier than me. Obviously a total skank.
- Other children have germs.
- Headlice.
- She might have to share things.
- Getting dressed in the morning now has a time limit. Clearly too much pressure for a 5 year old.
- She can’t bring her dog.
- Destroyer will have to wipe her own ass.
- It will make me want to have another baby.
- I clearly can’t cope with this change.
Reasons To Go To Kindergarten:
- Destroyer will have to wipe her own ass.
So you see, Bitches, the Cons clearly outweigh the Pros. Always make a list; it provides clarity and reasoning and good, sound logic.
Although, having her learn to wipe her own ass is almost a big enough Pro to send her just about anywhere on the planet. I mean, how long does a child need someone to wipe her ass after she shits? Until she’s 5? 10? I’d actually probably send her to the moon a couple days a week if the astronauts could convince her that wiping her own ass is the thing of the future.
Seriously though. Part of me is looking forward to having some time alone with Buddy. He’s never had that, being the second baby and all. But part of me also thinks that having only one child at home is just way too easy and that if I’m going to maintain this level of crazy, I better get knocked up ASAP. On the bright side, Husband, you’re life could be about to get way more porno if you agree….
So yeah. Anyway. Tell me about sending your Firstborn to kindergarten, Bitches. Tell me what I’m feeling is normal. Tell me how awesome it is before I do something stupid. Like have another baby.
Seriously talk me off this ledge.
I cried the first week before she went to school. The second day of school she never even looked back at me! She was through the doors and gone. We started the First Day Mommy Breakfast Club that day. We gathered all the friends we knew that had kids of any age going to school and met at a diner to laugh and commiserate. We did it for 6 years until we moved away from the area. The group grew the longer we did it and it was a great way to help each other through the first day.
LikeLiked by 1 person
What a totally awesome idea. I might just have to steal it!
LikeLiked by 1 person
huh, my second day of school my mom . . .
“never even looked back at me! She was through the doors and gone”
bitch ! 😆
LikeLiked by 2 people
Sorry, I can’t talk you off the ledge. My son started kindergarten this spring semester, and I am feeling everything you just wrote. I’m going to follow the comments of other people though, and maybe we both can be talked down.
LikeLike
#solidarity, sister.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh I feel your pain! Our school year doesn’t start until Feb so my little dude goes then. I am equal parts terrified and sad. Fortunately I will have another baby at that point, albeit an 8 mth old, slaying my arse so I might be relieved by the time it rocks around. That’s my hopes. I hate those other evil kids that are going to teach my angel how to swear and keep secrets from me though. It is all those unsupervised playground moments that concern me the most!!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh man, I remember how rough that was with Little Man. Good luck with it. I found out I was pregnant about a month after 5K. Good luck with the “pro”–he wouldn’t wipe his butt, but held it. Gah.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You just made me give up all hope. If she doesn’t learn to wipe her own ass, WHAT IS THE POINT OF SENDING HER?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Aw, been there. Then I’ve been here.
http://skinnyandsingle.ca/2015/04/22/hug-a-brat-today/
LikeLike
You’ll get to put her on a bus, which means you get to avoid the worst part of Kindergarten: the car line. Now there’s no reason not to do it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’ve heard horror stories about the car line. The principle actually told me not to even bother weighing it as an option lol.
LikeLike
Ok, loads of material here. For starters, she’ll get better at wiping her own ass when she finally gets tired of having itchy/sore asshole. Or when kids make fun of her for digging in same itchy/sore butt. Then, most of your skidmarks are gone. Secondly, you’re lucky that your kindergarten is only half a day. Ours is a full-blown, no bullshit day. And our teacher is a ginormous bitch. And I see where others before me have already pointed out that with the whole bus thing, you avoid carpool, which is nothing short of a vehicular mosh pit. You’ll be fine. She’ll be fine. But yeah, it sucks.
LikeLiked by 1 person