So Me And God Are Fighting, And I’m Not Sure He Gives A Shit
I have spent the past few weeks watching friends and family suffer unimaginable losses and changes to their lives. Loss of loved ones, loss of independence, loss of the life they knew. Just, loss.
And although the grief of my friends and family is not my grief to own or process, I have to say that when you watch so many bad things happen to good people, it makes you question things that you’ve believed all your life.
I gotta say, Bitches, that my faith is taking a real beating lately. I am super pissed at God right now and He knows it. He just doesn’t seem to care. I mean, I’m sure people question Him and get angry at Him all the time, so why would I be a special case that he personally responds to?
And yes, I know that God isn’t really gonna come down and do the burning bush thing or flash flood all the assholes in the world. He’s already been there, done that and we’re still a bunch of pricks down here for the most part. I guess that’s where I feel ripped off. Can’t He just make the bad shit happen to people who are the dicks? Can’t He let the horribly painful and undignified things that happen to genuinely good people skip them and land on someone who deserves it? Can’t he let someone die without suffering first?
Where are you??? Why aren’t you helping us??? Remember that Footprints poem about you carrying us? Some of us could use a lift right about now.
And then it dawned on me yesterday that maybe it doesn’t work that way. Anger blurs our vision and skews our perception a little.
Yesterday I watched a community of friends come together once again to support one another and take on a piece of each others grief. I watched us love one another and provide comfort and laughter in a real moment of shitty darkness. I have seen them do this so many times over the years. No judgements, no bullshit. Just raw true friendship and community. And then I remembered what the priest said about being the arms and legs of Christ. We are God.
And I guess we have to just be each others people. I still don’t understand why such pain has to be endured to begin with, but I am lucky to have the community I do. I am lucky to have my people.
And despite feeling angry toward God for not stepping in at the moments I feel He should have, at the very least I know that when something bad inevitably happens to me, I will not be alone. Because I have an army of friends so strong and so awesome that nobody will let me fall ever. And that is comforting. And maybe that’s the point.
God isn’t hiding in a bush or in the sky or behind the altar. Those things are just symbols. He actually lives in my people.
Find your village, Bitches. It takes the edge off.