I have never been skinny. Even back when I starved, and exercised and teetered very closely to the world of eating disorders, I still had a big round ass and extra flesh on my body.
And now I just feel like “whatever”.
Let’s just put aside all the childhood trauma surrounding body image and all the horrible things that grownups said to me. Let’s forget my friend’s dad laughing at me in front of a room of adults and asking me why I was so fat. Let’s forget my friend’s mom telling me how all the boys would pass me by at summer camp. Let’s pretend that I wasn’t forced on diets by my doctor at 8 years old.
Take all that shit away and let’s be real for a second here.
I don’t have time for any other hobbies in my life right now.
And the truth is, I like to eat things. I am so sick of deprivation. What the fuck is the point of being alive if you can’t enjoy simple pleasures in life? Why bother with any of the other annoying shit in my life if I can’t sit down at the end of the day and enjoy a glass of wine and a big piece of coconut brie cheese. And if you haven’t ever tried a coconut brie cheese, your life has no meaning and you need to fix it immediately.
I went out for dinner with a friend last night, and it was fabulous. We had a glass of wine, tried new things and left content from the good company, conversation and satisfied palates. And it all happened in the early evening, while I left Husband to put the kids to bed and felt like I could sneak away from everyone else guilt free because nobody needed anything.
During the day, EVERYBODY always needs SOMETHING. The babies need something and call for me even when they don’t actually need anything. The phone is always ringing with somebody who wants to sell me something, or needs me somewhere. I am always taking care of something or someone.
And at the end of the day, I don’t have the time or energy to take up a hobby like Crossfit or yoga or pinning shit on Pinterest or whatever.
I just want to eat something delicious with a person that I like who doesn’t need me to do anything for them.
That is my greatest goal. That is the only hobby I am interested in at the moment.
So no. I think I’ll pass on skinny and focus on happy. And all the ads out there that keep shoving this link between skinny and happy down our throats are wrong. Always thinking less of yourself than you deserve is what makes you unhappy. Not your pant size.
So I will never be skinny because not only am I not built like that, but I am not into that. I have so little free time to just sit and enjoy things that I am not going to waste it driving myself crazy. Not anymore.
I will drink wine and I will eat food and my bouncy jugs will heave with happiness and the junk in my trunk will sway to and fro. And you will enjoy the view and that, is that.