What I Learned At Gymnastics On Wednesday

by Cookie



Yesterday morning was one of our gymnastics days.  It’s my least favourite of the two we go to because in order for Buddy to participate, so do I.

I mean, it’s okay, but it’s really nice to take Destroyer on Thursdays, and watch from the observation room with all the other parents and drink coffee and be grownups.

Anyway, I don’t have to do ALL the things.  For instance, nobody is gonna help me start hanging off the bars or jumping over the vault.  But we play the games, sometimes I walk on the beam just to entice my kids to not be assholes and participate properly.

It’s a class for 1-4 year olds, so as you can imagine, some days the kids are squirrely and not much structure happens.  On those days, there is a lot more free time and the kids can play on whatever apparatus floats their boat.

So, yesterday Destroyer chose to bounce on the Tumbletrak.  What is this, you ask?  It’s like a super long trampoline with a giant mat at the end.  The idea is that the gymnasts run or tumble down it and land in the soft goodness of the mat.  Since she is only four, she runs down the bouncy part at full speed and does a flip at the end.

Mommy, mommy!  Now YOU do one!”

Sweet Jesus and all things holy.  Did my 4 year old just challenge me to a duel?

Seeing as I was feeling all terrific in my super stretchy new jeggings that actually look like jeans, not leggings, but have all the comfort of leggings, I thought why not?

So I get up on that goddamn tumbletrak and run down hard, jump at the end and do a flip, landing in the giant soft goodness of the mat at the end.

Not bad for a slightly ample 38 year old mother who’s main source of activity is chasing dogs and small children away from traffic, right?


Except for the horrible disorientating vertigo that occurred while in mid air.  I felt like I was in outer space and didn’t know which way was up or down for a few minutes.  It shortly settled into a very unsteady gait  and mild dizzy feeling that lasted for a few hours.  Which then triggered a delightful anxiety attack about my possible brain injury that lasted most of the day.

The only brain injury that actually occurred was prior to my antics.  The one that helped me make the decision to act like a four year old to begin with.

How is there not puke all over the gym all the time?

I guess that horrible feeling of near death only happens when you are an old hag like me.  Trying to do an actual gymnastics move.  Trying to believe my new pants gave me some sort of youthful superpower.

Seriously, Bitches, don’t do flips on trampolines after the age of 30.  Nothing fun happens on a trampoline after 30.

Just don’t.