Life In The Bayou: Eating Fried Chicken And Raising Hell

by Cookie


The blogosphere is a pretty cool thing.  A bunch of writers, some amateur and some quite accomplished get online and write about their shit.  Some write about parenting, or food, or grief or random weird shit.

Some of us use it to bitch and swear and generally as an outlet about anything and everything.

And on top of that, you get to know a bit about what makes these writers tick, and sometimes even connect outside of the blogs.  Which is cool, because you get to become friends with people all over the world that you wouldn’t have otherwise had a chance to meet.  It’s like an elaborate set of Pen Pals.

And every so often, you really like someone a lot,because they are so cool that you mistakenly think that they are Canadian.  Imagine my (horror? delight?) surprise to learn that Laura, from Dramatic Momologue is actually a southern belle from Louisiana.

We decided to do a blogger exchange program to clear up a few questions we had about each others lifestyles.  You can visit the above link to find out more about Canadians and their pet moose.

Here we go:

  1. How exactly do you keep the alligators out of your house down there in the Bayou?   We actually welcome the alligators – the smaller ones, anyway.  They eat the terrifying giant cockroaches that lurk about.
  2. How did Fried chicken become it’s own food group?  Are there different flavours?  Fried chicken was adopted as a food group in 1963, when the South changed the food pyramid to a food triangle.  The other points of the triangle are represented by ‘tater salad and gravy.  As for sub-flavors for chicken, we will tolerate diversity (and we’re only talking about chicken here, ok?) provided the grease content is at least 98%.
  3. What the fuck did you guys do with all the “u”s in words like flavour, neighbourhood, behaviour, etc etc?  Is the letter “U” offensive down there? Since we tend to have mush-mouths down here, we simply assumed that U’s were unnecessary.  And since most of us can’t read or write, we decided to drop extra letters.  Simplicity is best.
  4. As one woman to another, when so they teach you about raising hell all the time and getting revenge on cheating boyfriends?  Is it like having the sex talk around puberty?   Raising hell and revenge are social skills we are taught as we mature.  Think of it like a pecking order or accelerated Darwinism.  Recess down here is like the Hunger Games.  If the odds be never in our favor, we are forced into the swamps.
  5. Does everyone get their own voodoo doll made of them when they are born?  To keep them in line?  Voodoo dolls are standard-issue at the L&D departments of every major hospital.  When my children were born, their voodoo dolls were entrusted into my care until they can be responsible for their own.  I buried them in a jar in my backyard.  They should be safe back there unless the ‘possums and armadillos dig them up.
  6. What age did you get your Mardi Gras Beads at?  How old were you when you first started going topless?  Everyone knows Mardi Gras beads originated as teething rings.  And given the large number of adults with dental problems, we just carry them forward.  As for being topless, that’s a huge misconception.  We are only allowed by law to go topless during Mardi gras (or any Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday or Saturday  night on Bourbon Street) from the ages of 15 to 25.  After that, the cops will arrest you for public indecency if they card you and you can’t meet the minimum/maximum age requirement.  Sadly, I’m expired.
  7. How many Mexicans do you think it would take to stop Donald Trump? I would love to answer that but I can’t count higher than 20.  I think the answer would be higher than 20.
  8. How did you choose which cousin to marry?  Was it arranged, or did you have a say?  Usually, these marriages result from naturally-occurring love matches which evolve as we frolic in the swimming holes.  I was at a disadvantage.  My cousins all lived very far away.  I had to actually find and meet a man outside of my family.  Can you imagine??
  9. How many pairs of cowboy boots and daisy dukes do you have in your closet?  Including the special occasion ones. I only have about 5 pairs of boots.  We’re kind of poor.  And duh: Everyone knows you don’t keep your Daisy Dukes in the closet, dammit.  They’re in my drawers.  Except my special occasion pair.  They have sparkles in the form of the rebel flag on each ass pocket.  I keep those in a hermetically-sealed garment bag.
  10. How many crawfish do you have to catch everyday in order to make a gumbo large enough to feed your family?  Boy, you are ignorant.  You don’t put crawfish in gumbo.  You put crawfish in étouffée.    But if we’re talking about a good old-fashioned crawfish boil, each person can put away about 5 pounds.  That sounds like a lot, but we only eat the tails and suck the heads.  The rest get thrown in a ditch.  We like to clean up after ourselves.

I don’t know about you, but I am relieved to know that I’d be able to get by with only 5 pairs of boots.  I thought you had to at least have one pair for each day of the week.  And also that there is at least some genetic diversity happening in the gene pool down there, no matter how shameful it is to those forced to procreate that way.

Please please please do yourselves a favour and go see the Canadian Q & A on Dramatic Momolgue’s site.  You won’t be sorry!