I Go To Work Because Nobody Calls Me Momma There

by Cookie


Hats off to all of you stay at home moms.  HATS OFF.

I am 3 days into my summer “holidays” and yesterday I almost put both kids up for sale.

It is emotionally, physically and all out exhausting to entertain, mediate and keep two preschoolers alive for an entire day.   And then push repeat and do it all over again.

The morning is usually the best part.  I make a couple of chocolate milks, and shove an Ipad at each of them while we have breakfast.  I have a bath after I blog and I’ll tell you a little secret:

I started blow-drying my hair about six months ago. 

Not for my vanity, but for my SANITY.

I started using the hair dryer in the morning because it means that for 15 minutes I can’t hear them.  I can’t hear them whine.  I can’t hear them fight.  I can’t hear them at all.

If I had one dollar for every time I heard “Momma!!!!”  I would own my own private island and the kids would be the nanny’s problem. It’s so exasperating.

And anything I do in the house that doesn’t involve the hair dryer  becomes a homing beacon for the kids to come over and climb on me or shout in my ear or fight and be utter assholes in any way possible as long as they make it impossible for me to complete my task.

So I also go to work because nobody calls me “Momma” there.  And if the day comes where someone does, the vagina punching will start because I go there on purpose to not hear the “Momma” on repeat every 7 seconds.

I actually pick up extra shifts at my part time gig because it makes me a better parent when I go home.  Not full time, but just enough to get me out of the house regularly with other grownups and earn extra spending money so that I can pay for fun things for them to do in the summer.

Also so that there is plenty of wine in the fridge.  Priorities people. Know them.  Acknowledge them.

So, yeah.  When I get sick of hearing the word “Momma” and need a time out, I blow dry my hair and go mix margaritas for thirsty people.

What is your escape plan, Bitches?