Everybody knows that doing things like jumping on a trampoline after having children can be dangerous. I am usually capable of controlling myself down there, but anything that exudes a little bit of force like jumping or sneezing may produce wet spots. Or coughing.
Or laughing too hard.
Ok. I pee my pants a little bit now and then. But whatever.
I just read this amazing article over at The Secret Life of Emily Maine that talks about how common birth injuries are and that there are many ways to treat them if we look past the usual post partum checkups that really only focus on things like bleeding and infection. Anyway….if you’ve had a child and even years later have pain or incontinence, go and read the article. The link to it is inside her post that I’ve included above here.
But what about the shit that is not actually an injury, but just weird things that happen to your body after creating and carrying life?
Let’s just start with the extra skin leftover on your stomach. It’s really fucking annoying. I feel like everything went back to normal after the first baby, but after number two? Perma-saggy-belly. I keep watching episodes of “Skin Tight” on TLC where people who have lost hundreds of pounds get plastic surgery to remove the excess skin and I am so jealous.
That’s why mom jeans were invented, Bitches. Because there are just some things that your spawn do to you that can’t be fixed. I don’t care about stretch marks or wider hips. But the skin has got to go. Maybe A GoFundMe page is in my future?
Second, I wanna know what the fuck kind of cruel joke God thinks he’s playing when it comes to facial hair. If you only knew how much time I spend each week plucking. And I’m not just taking about eyebrows.
After you turn thirty, and I mean literally the day after you wake up to nurse your hangover from the night before, these little chin hairs start appearing.
And then, after you have two babies, those couple of chin hairs bring some friends.
And then, just to add a little insult to injury, some of those fuckers turn white just to make you feel hairy AND old. Seriously. I don’t give a fuck about hormones and whatever. Stop with the goddamn beard. Please.
So, once you are done with peeing and wide hips, the skin and the hair, the exhaustion and irritability, where does it leave you?
A shell of the woman you once were.
And for the first few years, you kinda don’t give a fuck anyway. You are so tired that all you want to know is where is your coffee cup in the morning and wine bottle at night.
And then 5 years has past, and you start to feel like you’re a person again. You start to wear something other than yoga pants and old maternity clothes. You start to give a shit and make a bit of an effort and that’s when the changes hit you.
But you know what else?
I’ll keep plucking and fantasizing about a tummy tuck for the rest of eternity to know that I have created two healthy and happy little sprites. It’s way more than so many get.
But if any of you want to fund some surgery or electrolysis that would be cool too.
Or we could lobby the government for change…have it included in post partum care. Right?