NO. You Can’t Eat Off My Plate On The Second Date

by Cookie

Husband and I are about to celebrate our 10th anniversary this September.  We’ve actually been together for 16 years, and I can’t imagine being paired up with anybody else for that long.

Except maybe Channing Tatum.  Sorry, Husband.  But we’ve had this talk.

I just want to take today to thank Husband for not divorcing me and leaving me at the mercy of online dating.

Is this seriously the only way people connect these days?

One of my girlfriends was telling me about her most recent dating fails.  One guy she’s talking to over the course of a couple months or so….on paper seems like a good match.  Until she finds out that he is trying to hook up with her sister at the same time.

And Loser Number two:

As dinner went on he again talked sports. I found myself only asking him questions and nothing in return. He only talked about himself, not once did he ask me anything about my goals or family or try to get to know me better.

Finally our dinner comes, I’m starving.
I didn’t get a huge meal. I ordered Pandara bread, which you know is a small order. He took it upon himself to steal to pieces of my food.

Whoa.  Wait just one goddamn minute.  Isn’t there some sort of rule that eating off someone elses plate is something that happens either after the one year mark or post co-habitation?

And then:

Then proceeds to ask me when the bill is coming if we we’re gonna split it

And then doesn’t even offer to pay?  After he ate it all? It’s like he doesn’t ever want to get laid. Chivalry is NOT dead, gentelmen, despite what some of the hardcore feminists out there say.  I CAN pay for myself, but it doesn’t mean I want to.

Dude, if you are on your second date and you steal her dinner, that doesn’t make a girl extra hungry for sausage later, if you know what I mean.  It makes her want to punch you in the sausage.

Hands of my plate unless you are being cute and sexy and feeding me some of yours.  Some girls like to eat.

I just feel like some of these awkward interactions could be avoided if you were friends first or co workers.

Online dating just seems like a bad interview process, where everybody puts up super non realistic pictures of themselves, trying to lure one another in.  And then you meet in person and they look nothing like their photos, or you find out that when they say they like sports they meant that they were a synchronized swimmer in their late teens or some other shit.

Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I seriously don’t know how you people are going on dates with strangers who’s picture you liked on Tinder.

I mean, it’s kinda like adopting a dog.  You look at pictures on the shelter’s website, and think “OH!  That one’s SO CUTE.”

And then you go down to the Humane Society and the feral beast either tries to bite your hand off, or falls so deeply in love with you on first site that it starts dry humping your leg and drooling all over your new sandals.  And then you take it home out of pity, because who else would want it, and next thing you know you are stuck with some neurotic animal that won’t even let you go to the bathroom alone.

Husband and I met the old fashioned way.  At work.  We got along great, and he was the only boy I ever liked that made me feel all nervous.  I don’t get stupid over cute boys, but with him, I did.  I used to drop trays of dishes and drinks and was just a real mess.  So I told him we should go on a date and he said no.

What an asshole, right? 

But then one night after he had left work and I was working late, he went home, got all cleaned up, and showed back up with a case of beer and asked if I wanted to go to a party.

Umm, duh!

So went and hung out and the rest is history.

So yeah.  Tell me your online dating horror stories.

Better YET.  Write a post about your worst online dating experience.  Ping back here if you want.   I need some more laughs!