What Are You Doing With This Time?
You guys, I am so over this pandemic. Like really over it. But not for some of the reasons you might think.
Sure. I’m tired. I’m working and teaching, and schooling my own kids, and nurturing and cooking and cleaning and basically on task every minute of every day. So I am definitely earning the new bags under my eyes.
But I am actually more tired of people’s shit despite the fact that I never see any in real life besides my own family and my neighbours over the fence.
Keeping up with everybody else’s brand of crazy and anxiety is a total shitstorm of fuckery while I try to manage my own. The internet is full of so much anger and fear and bickering that I am actually becoming ashamed of how much energy I waste on it.
And waste is probably the operative word here. What the actual fuck are we doing, kids? Why is it that everywhere I scroll, someone is screaming out all sorts of accusations at each other, the government, the doctors, the scientists, etc etc etc? Why are we wasting all of our time and energy trying to solve problems that we aren’t responsible for? Or trying to be the first to uncover the deepest lie we’ve all been told? Why are we all so hell bent on learning the impossibly finite details of fields that we don’t even have a basic understanding of? Why do we want to wear all the capes and bear all the burdens? I don’t know about you Bitches, but I have exactly way too many capes and shit to do right now before I start to even THINK about solving the world’s problems. Above my pay scale, much?
I think deep down we all know what the answer is. We’re afraid.
We are terrified of being controlled by someone or something else, and yet here we all are, in the midst of the greatest lack of control we have seen or likely will see in our lifetimes. And it is terrifying, so we grasp at any thing we can so that we have something tangible to fight and argue about. A virtual punching bag, if you will.
I don’t know about you, but I am scared of a lot of things right now. I’m scared that someone I love will get gravely sick.I’m scared I’ll get gravely sick. I’m scared that my livelihood is in danger. I’m scared that the simple things we took for granted may never be part of our normal lives again. I’m worried that the scientists are right and that the worst is yet to come. I’m worried that the scientists are wrong and that all of the mild cases of this disease have long term and severe health implications that we can’t know about yet. I’m afraid that the protests we are seeing are going to escalate and become more violent. But ultimately, I have pretty much zero control over any of those things, so I am making a constant effort to just not try. It has done wonders for my mental health.
What if we could just all back off? What if we could stop trying to bear all the burdens this world has to serve up and just let some shit go?
What are we doing with this time that is given to us? What if we focused on the things that we are called to do and continued to just be generous to the world with the gifts we have been blessed with? What if instead of focusing on everything that others are doing wrong and trying to justify our opinions by proving everyone else wrong, we just tried to find something positive to give to others around us?
Or better YET, what if we spent more time figuring out how to make the world a better place through things we actually have control over? What if we were 1/100000th as interested in how to make the world a better place as we are at trying to discover what is actually wrong with it?
Cause we already know the answer to that too. We’re what’s wrong with the world. People start out with the best of intentions and literally fuck it up every single time.
And don’t think for one second that I am obtuse enough to think I am any better at not being an asshole than everyone else. I probably had a hand in writing a chapter or two of that book. What I’m trying to say is that I am trying to work really hard to make sure that I come out of this experience a more gracious, trusting, and reasonable human being.
Gandalf was right all along:
I am trying to decide what to do with this time that has been given to me. What about you?