The Dichotomy of Being Motherless on Mother’s Day

by Cookie

grayscale photography of woman and baby

Photo by Nicolas Postiglioni on Pexels.com

If I’m being honest, I’ve never been a fan of all these made up holidays.  I understand the sentiment behind it, and definitely love the sincere excitement from my kids on Mother’s Day, but it has always irked me how it’s really just a bunch of companies capitalising on what we should really be doing every other day too- loving and appreciating the people in our lives that we cherish.

Maybe it’s just too many years working in the service industry and missing out on days like Mother’s Day- both with my own Mom and as a new mother myself.  Maybe it’s all those times in high school where I didn’t receive flowers or valentines or get noticed for anything.

Maybe I just find it annoying that there is all of a sudden this day where we are obligated to spend money of gifts that nobody needs or wants instead of noticing those things and reminding them they are special every day.

All of a sudden, 15 months after losing my own mom, I notice this day with a new perspective.  It makes me wonder if I was good enough to her for her to know how much I really did love her.  It makes me want to take back every shitty thing I said to her, or times when I could have been kinder, more patient, or less selfish.   Mother’s Day has become this annoying dichotomy of  being so happy about becoming a mother, and sorrow at having lost my own.  It eats me to wonder if I truly ever appreciated her enough, and was able to remind her of that regularly.

So yeah, made up holidays are still not my favourite.   It’s nice to celebrated, it’s amazing to be loved.   I just wish it wasn’t a reminder to me about my own perceived shortcomings as a daughter and the realisation that I can’t ever go back and make sure that she new she did a good job.

I miss you Mom, everyday.   I hope you knew.