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Category: marriage

International Woman’s Day Is Every Day

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Wearing red for IWD 2017

Once upon a time, someone at a press conference asked Joss Whedon why he always writes such strong female characters and created stories about them.   ( not a direct quote, but you get the idea).

After a while he concluded it was because people are still asking him that question.

Do you ever notice that?   Nobody would ask a writer or producer or director why there are strong male characters, we just sorta expect that to happen.

But a strong woman character?   How odd.

Today, on International Woman’s Day, I want to acknowledge every single woman out there who has ever had to work twice as hard to get half as far.  I want to acknowledge every woman who made the tough decision to give up their career in order to raise their family.  The woman who gave up the idea of ever having children because the demands of her male dominated field would never tolerate it, no matter what the law says.

For every woman who has said no and had yes stolen from her.  For every woman who raised a child she never wanted and couldn’t afford but loved regardless while a man had the luxury of walking away.

Every little girl who was told she couldn’t, wouldn’t, and didn’t deserve to anyway.  For the little girl who grew up and said fuck that, and did it better than any man.

For every wife who stood by her partner and made it possible for him to succeed while receiving no credit for it.

For every time you wiped a snotty nose or changed a diaper or made it through another day without crying yourself to sleep from exhaustion and frustration while receiving no thank you for the life you are supporting.

For every minute of childbirth that you endured in order to bring the greatest love of your life into this world.

For every woman who ever looked in the mirror and hated herself.  For putting everyone’s needs ahead of your own.

And for every woman who decided what she wanted and got it.   For inspiring other girls and women to do better for themselves.

For every single woman out there, regardless of your heritage, your colour, your sexuality, your socio-economic status, your age, your education.   Regardless of everything.

You are worth more to this world than the world knows.  

Be strong, be demanding, and never ever back down.   Be resilient.  Be epic.

International Woman’s Day is every fucking day.   Joss Whedon gets that.   Be more like Joss Whedon.

 

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No, My One Piece Bathing Suit Doesn’t Hide My Non Thigh Gap Either

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I just read this article on Huffington Post called “This swimsuit ad proves you don’t need a thigh gap to wear a bikini”.

I mean, I get what the article and mostly its title are trying to convey.  They are trying to encourage us to embrace our bodies and know that we are beautiful whether a size 2 or 22.

But wait.

I didn’t know there was a rule about thigh gaps and bikinis.

Bitches, I have been doing it wrong for like 20 years.  How come nobody ever told me about this rule?  How am I not arrested by the Beach Patrol?

Thigh Gap? Are you kidding me?  The only time my thighs aren’t touching is when my legs are wrapped around something. Like when horseback riding, for example. Perverts.

Seriously though.  Is that what women have been told all their lives?   That if you don’t have a thigh gap you are too fat to wear a bikini?  Somebody needs to call the swimsuit stores, because I would estimate that only about 25% of women out there have a thigh gap.  And if you look in the stores, about 75% of the bathing suits on the shelves are indeed bikinis.

That ratio seems a bit wrong doesn’t it?

I mean, where are they hiding all these one piece bathing suits that come down far enough to cover up this hideous flesh touching that is going on between my legs?

Oh. RIGHT.  The non thigh gap bathing suits are hiding over there…..right next to the potato sack aisle.

Jesus Fucking Christ already.

This swimsuit ad proves nothing to me.  Except perhaps that we are still busy trying to label and manage everybody elses wardrobe according to ridiculous standards of beauty that don’t even fucking exist.  And don’t get me wrong, the women in the ad are stunning and I think the intended message is good.

But it doesn’t prove that you don’t need a thigh gap to wear a bikini.  It may prove that retailers are now starting to understand that all women have worth and deserve to feel beautiful. Or at least they are starting to realize that women are rejecting this stupid beauty ideal and wised up that there is money to be made off of women of every shape and size.  That its ok to still wear gorgeous clothes if you are bigger than a size 6. Maybe it’s a good place to start, but to me its also a reminder about we still see any deviation from impossible ideals for many many women as imperfections.

Ladies, your non thigh gaps are perfect. Your hips that bore children are perfect. That extra flesh around your belly is soft and perfect and part of you.  You don’t need a swimsuit ad to prove that to you.  Just put on a fucking bathing suit and go swimming.  If we all just start doing it it will become the normal thing and nobody will need to prove anything to you about your body anymore.

Bikinis are for everyone.  One pieces are for everyone. Last time I checked, a bikini exposes some flesh around the tummy, and leaves my thighs alone.  A bikini does nothing to affect my thigh gap.  Or lack their of.

So fuck off.

End Rant.

 

Listen Ted. Stop Being An Asshole And Just Go To The Fucking Parade Already

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Canada has been kinda smug lately about how we treat our LGBTQ community so much better than the United States do.

But you know what?

We’ve still got our fair share of Bigoted, Bible Thumping, Hiding Behind Jesusers up here too.  And they love politics just as much as those possum-fucking losers in the American Bible Belt.

Why am I picking on the Christians?  Because we are a right bunch of assholes sometimes.

The latest controversy is over the refusal of a Member of Parliament, Ted Falk, to attend the Pride celebrations and parade in a town called Steinbach.  Steinbach is in the heart of a deeply Mennonite community where it is no secret how they feel about gay marriage.

Yes.  I know that the Bible says something about “man shall not lay with man”  or something along those lines.  But I’m pretty sure he also told us that there was a limit on how many slaves you could own and how you’re not allowed to touch a woman when she’s having her period.   By the way, it also has a list of 10 Ways Not To Be An Asshole.   Otherwise known as the 10 Commandments.  There’s a biggie in there about loving your neighbour as yourself.  Check it out sometime.

Here’s my biggest problem with all of this.  Canada is not actually a Christian country.  There are a great many of us who are indeed Christian.  Some of them support LGBTQ rights and some use their faith as an excuse to continue to spread hatred.  But as a Member of Parliament, you must leave your personal beliefs at the door, and support the laws of this country.  You are welcome to try and influence and change laws, but you must uphold the rights of all the citizens.

And unfortunately, Ted Falk, the law is not on your side here.  Bigotry is something that should not be tolerated in any capacity from a Member of Parliament, and I would suggest that your personal belief system is getting in your way of doing your job.

The other problem I have is that I think bigots like Ted Falk here make some sort of weird assumption that a Pride parade and celebration is some sort of recruitment drive.

Honey, have you looked at yourself in the mirror? The gays don’t want you.  There is a standard of fabulousness required that I just don’t think you could ever live up to.

Rather, the Pride celebrations are supposed to be a celebration of not having to hide yourself.  A celebration of being able to love freely who you love without having to fear arrest or abuse.  Clearly, we aren’t there yet, but we are a far cry from those days in New York City where the police raided the Stonewall Inn.  The Pride celebrations around the world are a reminder of this event, and how far we have come in accepting and loving everybody as they are, not how you interpret that they should be.

As a Christian, your job is to promote love and protect your brothers from harm. And yes, they are your brothers.  And sisters.  That’s your calling.

And as a Representative of your country, your job is to uphold and support the laws that are in place, and be present in a official capacity as needed in your community.  And newsflash:  Part of the population that your represent is LGBTQ.

Out of all the laws in the Bible, I don’t understand why we’re allowed to ignore all the other ones from the Old Testament and yet this one is like the Golden Fucking Rule.

I mean, we’re also not supposed to eat shellfish.  Do you take  stand on this, Ted, and refuse to enter any restaurant that has shrimp on the menu?  I mean, how are you supposed to support these blasphemous eaters of shellfish, when God has explicitly said not too?

How can you stand by and watch your children run and hug their mother or cousin who got her period this morning?  The filth!

And how can I, good Christian woman that I am, stand by idly while you clearly don’t love your neighbour as yourself?

I can’t.  Neither should anybody else.

Your values aren’t the only values that matter in this country.  And so, as a member of our Federal Government, you need to find a way to get past your bigoted, hypocritical “value” system and do your fucking job.

Stop making Jesus look bad by using Him as an excuse to act like a dick.  Just go to the fucking parade already.  Wear a rainbow, have a beer and no promises, but I’m pretty sure no one is going to gay rape you.

That was actually the Catholic Church…but that’s a whole other post.

 

I Throw Things When I’m Mad Too, Johnny

In case any of you haven’t heard…since the intimate details of celebrities lives are obviously the most important news story of all,  Johnny Depp is in some deep shit right now over allegations of domestic violence and spousal abuse.

There are a million different reports of this and that, and despite the judge granting Amber Heard ( his now estranged wife) a temporary restraining order, most of what you see in the media seems to be supporting Johnny.

As for the restraining order, JD is probably thinking that he never wants to be within a hundred yards of her ever again anyway.  Whatever.

Now I don’t know what has gone inside their home, but it seems to me that Ms.Heard’s credibility is on the line.  I feel like posting pictures of broken pictures and wine bottles on social media proves nothing.  I feel like having some sort of odd bruising that disappears or moves the next day when you post another picture on social media of yourself out with friends is fishy.  I feel like the police being called to you place over an argument without seeing any of these aforementioned things doesn’t help your story.

Johnny Depp seems like a quiet, passive man.  It’s hard to imagine him getting angry or violent, yet we all get pissed off and say and do regrettable shit.  All of us.

So, could he have gotten mad and whipped a cell phone at his wife?  Sure.  I throw things when I’m pissed off sometimes too.  Does that make him a wife beater?  I personally don’t think so, but the police may see it differently.

Anyway, I don’t know what happened inside their marriage.  But, I did see a few things online that suggested that we once again and without question support the accuser.  And it sort of irked me.

Bitches, we have a justice system that states someone is innocent until proven guilty.  We have NO IDEA what happened in this relationship, and the accuser’s behavior prior to and after the alleged abuse is in question.

And yes, I think her behavior IS relevant.  Just because someone makes a claim doesn’t make it true.  What if she isn’t being *brave*?  What if she’s just being a greedy bitch?

Men have no right to put their hands on a woman in anger or any other fashion that is unwanted.  We can all agree on that.

But simply because a woman makes an accusation against someone doesn’t make it true.  In this particular case, there is a significant amount of money being sought by the accuser.  And there is no better motivator of assholery than he potential for someone to pay you 50,000$ a month just because you slept in the same bed for 15 months.

I just feel like the buzzword all over social media right now is to believe and support all accusers without question.  And that, Bitches, is a dangerous move.  Notice I didn’t say victims.  I didn’t say victims because we are not the ones to determine whether a crime has been committed and therefore there is an actual victim.  The police are.  And in this particular case, they had determined that a crime did NOT occur, and therefore there is not a victim yet.  Merely an accuser with a lot of motivation to lie.

There is a system in place that is maybe not ideal, and very difficult to navigate, but it’s there to protect ALL of us.  It’s there to protect victims and to protect people against false allegations.

I’m sorry, but when we try to use social media to validate criminal allegations, it makes you look foolish and tarnishes your credibility.  Posting pictures of “evidence” on Twitter is ridiculous.

Shit like this with Amber Heard are doing nothing but diminish the experiences of true victims of domestic violence.

We shall see what happens…..but I think the truth is not even close to what we read on line.  What do you think?

 

 

 

11 Things Men Find Attractive About A Woman

I jut read this bullshit article called “10 Things Men Find Unattractive”.

I say it’s a bullshit article because it mainly talks about hair and makeup styling.  Last time I checked, my husband barely knows what mascara is, and is certainly not going to lean in and inspect whether or not it has clumped up.  He’s not going to look at my hair when I have it pinned and styled in an updo and roll his eyes and say ” That is so unattractive

Maybe I’ve been out of the dating scene for too long, but are all the girls out there trying to date gay men?

Because they are the only demographic of men I can think of who are going to care about my hair or if my foundation is applied right or what colour my lip liner is. By the way, 1990 just called and they want their lip liner back.  Who the fuck has time to wear lip liner?

You know what actual, real live men care about and find unattractive?

Assholery.  Game playing. High maintenance chicks whose self worth is attached to their relationship.  Being a bitch. Being unappreciative when something nice is done for them.

You know what I think men find attractive about a woman?

  1. Tits.
  2. Sincerity
  3. Blowjobs
  4. Confidence
  5. Not being an asshole
  6. Liking sports
  7. Sense of humour
  8. Being able to have an intelligent conversation
  9. Willingness to be naked
  10. A lot.  Being naked a lot.
  11. Beer.  (Maybe that’s not a female trait, but most men love beer)

Listen, Bitches.  I am no relationship expert. But I know that if you are worried that your bad hair day or clumpy makeup is going to make your man find you unattractive, you are with the wrong man.

The right man will find you sexy at your best, your worst and everything in between.  Stop allowing bullshit articles like this one make you feel like your appearance is the single most important thing that people judge you and love you for. Stop allowing an impossible ideal and standard be that one unattainable thing in your life that haunts you.  Stop worrying about what you look like on the outside all the time, and spend more time working on all the things on the inside.

And learn about sports.  Men really, really like when they can watch the game with their chick.  And then show him your tits.

Sincerely,

The Nakedest, Footballest, Show Em Yout Tits-est Girl That Ever Was.

 

The Answer Is To Love the Assholery Out Of Your Kids

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You know me, Bitches.  I usually have nothing but sarcasm or repulsion when it comes to these articles and books written by experts on parenting.  I feel like so many of them are meant to freak us out, make us panic that we are doing it wrong, and entice us to buy a product or a book that will “fix” our child.

And then I read this.  You should read it too.  It’s called “Child Behavior:When nothing else works, consider these 7 strategies.

What if maybe, just maybe, it’s not the children who need to be fixed?  What if it society  has changed the parent child relationship so much that we need to find a way to fix that instead?

Yesterday I wrote about trying to find balance, and how hard it is to juggle being a working parent….even a working parent who has had the luxury of only working part time, and mostly from home.  I am one of the lucky few who hasn’t struggled to find daycare  while I worked full time out of the home.

And then I read this piece and felt so super validated.

As the world has changed in the last 60 years or so, they dynamic of families has changed.  We went from one parent at home to women’s lib and now the necessity of two working parents.  We have gone from having the luxury and responsibility of raising our children and teaching them what we value, to having to ask ( and pay) someone else to do it for us.  We miss out on so many things and simply cannot do it all.

So what if maybe, all the behavior problems we see in kids are merely manifestations of “lost” kids?  What if the structure of our families today are at the root of difficult kids? What if all we need to do to “fix” our kids is to spend more time with them?  What if the solution to good kids is to recreate the bond between a parent and child so that they feel safe, confident, and clear about what we expect of them?  It seems too simple and too obvious to be true!

The author of the above article suggests that because there is such a disconnect between parents and their children now, the respect kids once showed their parents and adults in general doesn’t develop in the same way.

Managing child behavior has and will always be determined by the quality of the relationship between the adult and the child.

I am so, so grateful for the time I have spent with my kids.  Despite the exhaustion and the bitching on my part, I would not have changed anything, unless it was to be able to afford me to be a completely stay at home mom.

And it’s not because I’m all crunchy and old school or weird.

I just love my kids.  And I want them to be good people.

I’ve said a million times in my teaching studio that I am not the most talented violinist out there.  Not even close.  I am a somewhat competent musician with a knack for finding a way to break things down and teach people around me.  But the biggest part of my success is my ability to develop meaningful and loving relationships with my students and their families so that they trust me to have their best interest at heart.  They trust me and respect the things I say because they are confident in my affection and concern for them.

And so why wouldn’t this apply to our relationships with our own kids?

And again, how do we find balance?

Am I saying that women have caused this by entering the work place?  Absolutely not.  I think it is actually the reality of our economy that forces families to need two incomes has more to do with that than anything.  A man is welcome to stay home if it works best for his family.

I don’t know.  Maybe we just need to unplug a little more from things that distract us from one another and plug into each other.  Find a way to connect with our kids every day so that they know we are available.  Talk with them more.  Listen even more. Develop a relationship with them that is rooted in love, and maintained by respect.

Either way.  If I can win at parenting simply by having a good relationship with my kids, that seems like the simplest, best advice I’ve ever read.

This Juggling Act Can Suck It

Balance.  I’ve written about balance before, and to tell you the truth, Bitches, I still can’t seem to keep the scales stable.

It feels absolutely impossible these days to balance all the things in our lives that need attention and I am feeling the burn.  How?  How do I figure out how much to work and how much time my little ones need?  And still make time for my husband, myself, our extended family and our friends?

Compounding the usual questions is all the uncertainty coming up in the next months.  How is my Destroyer going to handle kindergarten?  How will this change her needs?  How much will I miss her, and will she miss just getting to hang out with Buddy and I all day? And on top of THAT, there is a possibility of a change coming to the hours Husband works, which may make things easier in some ways, and harder in others.

Change is HARD, Bitches.  I like to think I am adaptable, but seriously what does that even mean?  If it means that I won’t curl up in a ball and just give up, I might be adaptable.  Depending on the day. If it means that I embrace change and welcome new opportunities, well, fuck no.  If it means we will just keep plugging along and figure things will pretty much work themselves out, that sounds a little more reasonable.

But that’s just it.  I don’t want things to just work out.  I want to find the perfect balance between earning enough money and feeling satisfied in my work and not missing out on anything with my kids.  Which seems impossible.

Husband and I were talking the other day about how shitty it is for regular, middle class people these days. A generation ago it was feasible for a family to do ok on one income, and have one parent at home steering the ship.  Nowadays, that would require enormous sacrifice and would likely make it impossible to offer any sort of enrichment activities for our kids, let alone any savings for their education.

So how, how, how do we simplify?  What can we do to make it possible for us to continue to have a good standard of living while cutting back on extra costs that just really mean more hours away for me? What are your tricks, Bitches?  How do you save money on groceries, utilities, housing costs?

I guess I am just tired of being tired all the time.  Of feeling like I am a juggler with way too many balls in the  air. And everyday I drop one of them and it turns out to be a bowling ball…way too heavy to juggle.  I yell too much, the house always looks like shit, something is always broken, I forgot to return a phone call, I haven’t seen my parents, we’re having frozen pizza again etc etc etc.

Balance.  Not sure if there is any such thing anymore.

Will I Ever Stop Being Tired?

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I am so fucking tired today.

Have you ever slept in the same bed as two tiny humans?  Except they are so tiny anymore and I’m not exactly sure they’re human.  How is it that children are allowed to be awake half the night and then get up the next morning as if nothing happened?  And then you ask them what their problem was the night before and they have no idea what you’re talking about?

Ugh.  This co-sleeping thing is starting to super irritate me.  It’s not bad if Husband takes Destroyer and I take Buddy in different rooms.  But both of them in bed with me when Husband is on night shift is becoming the bane of my mommyhood.

We have a king size bed and yet all of a sudden small children turn into hairy little octopuses with extra long limbs to kick you and tickle you and pull your hair.  It quickly morphs into a twin size bed in the middle of the night and the blankets become too small to cover us.

Every imaginary problem from monsters to ailments to crying for no reason starts to manifest and we get to stay up ALL NIGHT LONG.

Maybe I should just put on some Lionel Richie and give into the party.

Maybe Lionel is the answer.  Maybe if I blast him loud enough and fight them with some new ammunition besides yelling and threats they will get the hint and go the fuck to sleep.  And stay asleep.  And not wake me up every 20 minutes.  And stop monitoring my every move.

If I dare to step one foot out of the bed to use the can in the middle of the night her little four year old sixth sense jolts her awake and I hear “where are you going” before I even get one step out the door.

What is this, grade school?   Do I need to ask permission to go to the fucking bathroom?

I feel like I will never ever ever stop being tired.  Ever.

Parents, is there a time where you stop being tired?

Getting Drunk On A Monday Night With Jesus And Some Lime Green Underpants

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Do you remember that time, Bitches, when you didn’t have adult responsibilities or children or any other early morning commitments?  When you got randomly drunk on  Monday night and it wouldn’t matter?

I have this friend, (who we won’t call Cookie because it’s most certainly NOT her name), who decided to have a mini Bachelor Finale party on a Monday night.  She figured a couple girl friends would come over and they’d pig out and watch Ben Higgins cry for the one millionth time and call it a night.

And then her pal shows up in a sweatsuit onesie with a bottle of wine in her hand and some crazy looking Jesus lookalike motherfucker who was supposedly her husband.  And the next friend showed up with a bottle of sweet bubbly wine with her titties hanging out of her tank top and next things you know, everyone is drunk in the kitchen before they even start the show.

And as far as parties go, it was pretty mild.  The Jesus lookalike had the kids dancing and sing some crazy Star Wars song and somehow inspired the Destroyer to want to practice her violin at 8:30 at night.  He might not have been Jesus for real, but he performed a small miracle. Husband had the hockey game on and dutifully tolerated the chaos I had created in his house.  Only one pair of underpants were flashed and they weren’t even mine.

Anyway, everything was fine until Ben Higgins chose the wrong fucking girl.  HOW?  Worst move ever.

The other thing that happened was that it became Tuesday somehow. And that’s the real shitter.  Seriously.  Before I had to adult during the day, or parent, or be any sort of useful member of society, who cares if I got randomly drunk on a Monday night?

Well this bitch cares today.  My body is broken.  My brain is fuzzy and I feel mildly dizzy.  I have this uncontrollable urge to eat greasy food combined with the sudden urge to vomit.  It’s kinda like morning sickness but instead of blaming a baby, I have no one to blame but myself.  And the friend in the sweatpants onesie and lime green underpants.

And I think back to when I was in my twenties, when I would kill a bottle of wine before even going out at night and wonder how the hell did I survive?

I tell you one thing, I am going to buy my liver a present.  For hanging in there all these years.

And next week, I’m not getting drunk on a Monday night.

 

Happy We’re Not Divorced Day!

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en.wikipedia.org

I used to look at all the couples I knew that were getting divorced, or even all of the families I teach that are separated and wonder how come they didn’t work harder to stay together since they had children.  I figured that the kids were the one thing that could hold them together, right?

That was before I had children of my own.  When I was a know it all asshole.

Do you ever notice that?  How people who don’t have children know all the things about raising them and have all the solutions to all of your problems?

After having two kids of my own, I  actually wonder how the hell everybody with kids isn’t fucking divorced.  Seriously.

I look back to how much time Husband and I spent together before kids, and the amount it has changed is really astronomical.  We used to go out for dinner all the time, or have friends over. We’d go to the lake and spend more money on rum than we did on food and just fish and drink and get sunburned.  We worked, we payed our bills, and we played.  A lot.

I miss those times when it was so easy to just make a dinner reservation and leave.  Now, it’s a real production.  First, let’s check our crazy rotating work schedules?  Are we both off?  Do we have to get up early the next day?  Can we find a babysitter?  Do we have the energy?

Right now while the kids are small, it seems like we are just trading off childcare duties.   Having all four of us together is even a once a week phenomonon it seems.  Even if we’re both off, one of us is going in one direction with one kid, or running this errand, or somebody is sick and so on and so forth.

Kids are amazing.  There is nothing I would change about having had children.  But having children is the single most stressful, life changing event in your life.  It changes you.  It changes your lifestyle.  It changes your circumstance, your financial situation and your values.  And when I really think about it, in this day and age of “toss it out and get a new one” for a couple to survive these years and still want to be together is a goddamn miracle.

So if I could talk to my former know it all judgy self, I would tell her to shut the fuck up about shit she knows nothing about.

Maintaining any relationship without being able to give it the attention it deserves is hard. Especially when you are having to sacrifice it for two lives that you created together.

So Husband,  as we come out the other side of two months of being sick on and off, and hardly seeing each other other than to say “I’m leaving for work now”  or “goodnight”, Happy We’re Not Divorced Day.  Congratulations to US for getting through the baby years, and not killing each other.

Now let’s go out and get drunk.

 

AfterOtis

Written by Natalie Oldham

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