Luke Prokop’s announcement is bittersweet in some ways

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Over the past week I’ve seen so many posts supporting and talking about Luke Prokop, the Nashville hockey player who is the first ever active NHL player to come out as gay.

Like so many of you, I applaud and celebrate this man’s ability to live as himself authentically, and visibly, lending himself to those that haven’t yet found their voice. Role models that are representative are so, so important in all fields-sports, science, government, arts, education and the military.

This little voice inside me felt sad though, because the world is still in a place where someone’s sexual orientation is still a potential “scandal” that needs to be preempted, in fear of someone “finding out” your secret. We’re still there. Love is love, gays can legally get married, but we still need to announce to the world where we get our orgasms from.

There are still many people actively fighting against same sex unions, adoptions, roles as educators. Anything other than white picket fence, heterosexual missionary lovemaking is considered dirty. We have lawmakers and representatives refusing to acknowledge Pride events or to support efforts that afford the same human rights to all, based on archaic laws or fanatical religious excuses.

My heart is aching for a world where nobody needs to make an announcement about who is dicking who, or lack of dicking, or multi dicking in their bedrooms. I want to live in a world where when teenagers go on their first date there is no big “coming out” conversation with their families and they just introduce the human they have chosen to temporarily or permanently partner with to their parents and they go to a movie or dinner or whatever.

I want to live in a world where the Luke Prokops get to just play hockey and don’t spend their time worrying about who they love and how that affects their career. I want the Luke Prokops to simply show up with their boyfriends and not even make the news.

It’s really on us, the parents of this generation to simply talk about things like homosexuality, transgenderism, bisexuality, pansexuality in the same fashion we would heterosexuality. Making phrases like “John and his husband” or “John and their partner” as accepted and as regular and “John and his wife”.

I mean, I prefer dark haired men and big arms who make me laugh and tolerate my bullshit. But last time I checked I didn’t need to announce this to my employer or anyone else. What I keep in my bedside dresser is not something I have to share with anyone except who I share my bed with. My sexual activities don’t require an announcement, because I am in a heterosexual relationship.

I want us to get there. Where diversity and representation of EVERYONE simply exists, and nobody has to live in any sort of closet. I want us to live in a world where fear of being who you are and consequences of your personhood doesn’t exists, and love can actually be love no matter how different love looks like for all people.

In the meantime, I applaud all the Luke Prokops in the world for blazing the trail and helping us get there. Skate on, brother.

I Don’t Give Shit If Meryl *Knew*

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So, yeah.    Why are we all up Meryl Streep’s ass for her claiming she didn’t know that Harvey Weinstein was an abusive piece of shit who bullied women into sexual activity with the threat of demolishing their career hanging over their heads?

I mean, yes.    He’s a dick, but is that Meryl Streep’s fault?    Last time I checked, HW was a super rich movie producer and distributor that must have worked with someone other than Meryl. 

But now everyone is pissed of at Meryl because they think she knew about what was going on in Hollywood and didn’t swoop in and say something cleverly Meryl and fix it?

Give.Me.A.Break.

Word on the street is that everyone knew.   Word on the street is that a shit ton of women have been assaulted by HW and only came forward now.  Word is that people kept quiet out of fear and intimidation and a strange culture of accepting things for what they were instead of fighting for what should be.   Word is that is was acceptable for a woman to subject herself to terrible things because it was *necessary* to get anywhere in the misogyny that is Hollywood.

So there are two scenarios, in my mind.   One is that, of course Meryl actually didn’t know what was going on.

Now before you all start screaming *LIES*, think about it for a second.   Meryl Streep is literally Hollywood royalty.  She is probably the most talented actress of a generation, hugely respected, well spoken, out spoken and not in the habit of needing a boost from anyone.   Meryl Streep sells movies. HW did not sexually assault her, because he didn’t dare.   He needed her on his side, because she somehow had become powerful in a sea of dickhead white men ruling the roost with sexist rules and abusive priorities.  She did not experience what any of the women assaulted by him experienced, and it may have given her the privilege of being blind to what was going on.

The other possibilty, is that she DID know, but like everyone else has kept her mouth shut.  In this case, why is it Meryl Streep’s job to jump in and save the world?   Why are we putting this on her shoulders?  Scapegoat much?

And if she DID know, and is lying about it now I’m not sure I blame her.   Regardless of who she appears to be, she is still human, driven by human fears and desires.

Expose it all at what cost?  At the cost of losing everything she has earned in her career?   At the cost of being sued or thrown out of the very industry she has literally ruled for the past 30 years?   At the cost of having one less strong woman in a place where women of influence are lacking?   At the cost of much personal attack and detriment?

Would you have jumped in and started to yell “HW tries trades blow jobs for movie roles!” if you were in her shoes?

We are putting one hell of a responsibility on her.

So yeah.   I don’t actually give a shit whether or not Meryl Streep knew about what was going on ( likely) or didn’t know, or thought something was maybe going on, or is lying about knowing or WHATEVER.   We are not supposed to be in the habit of shifting the heat from the people who should be feeling hot as fucking hell right now.  Why are we focusing on Meryl when we should be focusing our energy on changing a culture where men feel like it is appropriate to sexually intimidate women and women feel like they have to tolerate it?

WE ARE WASTING OUR TIME ON THIS BULLSHIT.  We are wasting our resources turning Meryl into a villain when we already know who the bad guys are.

And by the way, Meryl is not the first actor to claim they didn’t know and express how sorry  they were.  A whole bunch of men did that too….

Maybe we just expected better from her.   But holy shit you guys.    Let’s get the bad guys instead inventing new ones.

 

ME TOO.

I’ve been thinking a LOT about the whole #metoo thing.  About Harvey Weinstein.  About so many woman being victimized by men in so many different ways.

About how women are embarrassed about their vaginas.   How we treat it like a dirty word.  How we hide our periods out of shame when it is the very thing that signifies our ability to create life.

And I am so fucking annoyed.

Who gave men all this power and why do they seem to just acquire it for the simple reason that they are male?   What in the hell makes men feel like they get to hold power over us because they do the fucking?

I’ve had just about enough of the culture that has just been so accepted in the world.   Girls are things.   We are prizes to be won.  Objects to acquire.   Pets to control.

Well fuck that.

We owe it to ourselves and to the brave women who came forward to call bullshit on this behaviour to force a change upon the world.

This generation is pretty much fucked I think.  But our kids?    Maybe that’s where our real power lies.   Mothers and Fathers have the ability to teach their kids to be different.. To be better than this.   Behaviours are learned, not bred.   Our kids are watching a diseased dynamic between the adults in their lives and we need to find a cure immediately.

Sons watch the way their parents interact.  They listen to the words that are exchanged and imitate them all the time.   Fathers have an immeasurable responsibility to model to their male children what is respectful and what is not.  Mothers have the same responsibility to teach their sons how love and loyalty and trust is earned, not begotten.

Mothers need to show their daughters that they are not required to please anyone but themselves, and that it is ok to demand better.  And fathers need to show their daughters that love from a man does not come with conditions.  It is not a commodity to be traded.

This isn’t about sex.  Boys will NOT be boys.  Because  *NEWS FLASH* girls like to have sex too.  This is about power.   It’s about immediate gratification.   It’s about greed.  Not all men are predators, but all men have the opportunity to change the status quo.

I’m not sure what counts as being abused or harassed.  I tell a dirty joke like anyone’s business.  I make innuendos with my friends.  We laugh a lot at shit like that.

I do remember being  an 18 year old girl hanging out with a bunch of friends, flirting with a guy, kissing a guy….and then not being interested in going home to bed with him.  And then he lied and told our mutual friends horrible dirty things about me the next day.  What made him think that I deserved to be punished for not giving him what he wanted?   What made me obligated to go home and suck his dick?  And what made him think that showing interest in him was the same as signing a blood contract? That he was then entitled to some sort of gratification?

So yeah.   I guess me too.  You too. Her too. Us too.    Holy Fuck.

But my hope for my daughter is for it to be #notme.  And for my son to be able to say #nother.

And for the assholes in this world to just #fuckoff.

 

 

 

NO. You Can’t Eat Off My Plate On The Second Date

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Husband and I are about to celebrate our 10th anniversary this September.  We’ve actually been together for 16 years, and I can’t imagine being paired up with anybody else for that long.

Except maybe Channing Tatum.  Sorry, Husband.  But we’ve had this talk.

I just want to take today to thank Husband for not divorcing me and leaving me at the mercy of online dating.

Is this seriously the only way people connect these days?

One of my girlfriends was telling me about her most recent dating fails.  One guy she’s talking to over the course of a couple months or so….on paper seems like a good match.  Until she finds out that he is trying to hook up with her sister at the same time.

And Loser Number two:

As dinner went on he again talked sports. I found myself only asking him questions and nothing in return. He only talked about himself, not once did he ask me anything about my goals or family or try to get to know me better.

Finally our dinner comes, I’m starving.
I didn’t get a huge meal. I ordered Pandara bread, which you know is a small order. He took it upon himself to steal to pieces of my food.

Whoa.  Wait just one goddamn minute.  Isn’t there some sort of rule that eating off someone elses plate is something that happens either after the one year mark or post co-habitation?

And then:

Then proceeds to ask me when the bill is coming if we we’re gonna split it

And then doesn’t even offer to pay?  After he ate it all? It’s like he doesn’t ever want to get laid. Chivalry is NOT dead, gentelmen, despite what some of the hardcore feminists out there say.  I CAN pay for myself, but it doesn’t mean I want to.

Dude, if you are on your second date and you steal her dinner, that doesn’t make a girl extra hungry for sausage later, if you know what I mean.  It makes her want to punch you in the sausage.

Hands of my plate unless you are being cute and sexy and feeding me some of yours.  Some girls like to eat.

I just feel like some of these awkward interactions could be avoided if you were friends first or co workers.

Online dating just seems like a bad interview process, where everybody puts up super non realistic pictures of themselves, trying to lure one another in.  And then you meet in person and they look nothing like their photos, or you find out that when they say they like sports they meant that they were a synchronized swimmer in their late teens or some other shit.

Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I seriously don’t know how you people are going on dates with strangers who’s picture you liked on Tinder.

I mean, it’s kinda like adopting a dog.  You look at pictures on the shelter’s website, and think “OH!  That one’s SO CUTE.”

And then you go down to the Humane Society and the feral beast either tries to bite your hand off, or falls so deeply in love with you on first site that it starts dry humping your leg and drooling all over your new sandals.  And then you take it home out of pity, because who else would want it, and next thing you know you are stuck with some neurotic animal that won’t even let you go to the bathroom alone.

Husband and I met the old fashioned way.  At work.  We got along great, and he was the only boy I ever liked that made me feel all nervous.  I don’t get stupid over cute boys, but with him, I did.  I used to drop trays of dishes and drinks and was just a real mess.  So I told him we should go on a date and he said no.

What an asshole, right? 

But then one night after he had left work and I was working late, he went home, got all cleaned up, and showed back up with a case of beer and asked if I wanted to go to a party.

Umm, duh!

So went and hung out and the rest is history.

So yeah.  Tell me your online dating horror stories.

Better YET.  Write a post about your worst online dating experience.  Ping back here if you want.   I need some more laughs!

I Have A Proposal For The Judge Who Sentenced Brock Turner

 

By now you have all heard of that fucking little piece of steamy shit named Brock Turner.  The wonderful competitive swimmer who sexually assaulted a young woman at a party while she was unconscious.

If you don’t know the details of what happened, you need to read this article RIGHT NOW. ALL of you.  Especially if you are a man.

Just to clear things up, this is not a case of “he said she said”.  This is not a question of whether or not consensual sex happened.  If you are a man, and you are confused about that, let me break it down for you:

1. If the girl is unconscious, she did not consent.
2. If the girl is unconscious, she did not like it.
3. If the girl is so drunk that she doesn’t remember anything the next day, she did not consent.
4. If you feel like the only place she will have sex with you is in an alley behind a dumpster, and she is fucking unconscious, she did not consent and she did not like it.
5. If the girl is bleeding on any part of her body, it hurts and she wants you to stop, even if she is unconscious and can’t verbalize that.
6. If a girl is so drunk that she cannot speak a full, coherent sentence, she did not consent.
7. If you feel like you need to run away when two strangers come to her rescue, you KNOW THAT SHE DID NOT CONSENT AND YOU ARE A LIAR.
8. Sticking your finger in someone’s vagina when they did not consent is rape.
9. Dry humping an unconscious woman behind a dumspter while fingering her is not only pathetic and disgusting, it IS RAPE.
10. You are a disgusting and pathetic excuse for a human being and your mother, whether she will admit it or not, is ashamed of you.  She is wondering how she failed you.

And to the Judge, who had more concern with the impact raping an unconscious girl would have on the rapist than on the victim, I have a proposal for you, so that the next time there is a rape trial in your courtroom you may have better clarity in your sentencing;

I propose that you “allow ” yourself to be assaulted in the same manner this young girl was.  Get drunk, pass out, and let somebody finger your asshole while rubbing their hard dick all over you.  Make sure it reaches the news, and that your learn of all the details of your assault through the media.  Make sure to treasure the whole rape kit process and keep those photos that they took of your genitals for evidence as a keepsake.

Figure out how long it takes to stop “impacting” your life.

Then subject your rapist to a sentence that matches your own.  Let him out of prison when you are let out of your prison.  When it stops hurting…..not your asshole…..but your heart.

I suspect your rapist will be in jail a lot longer than six months.

I’m super sorry that this young man fucked up his life by being an asshole.  But he made that choice, and the person he was before he did this horrible thing is gone.  He is a rapist now.  You cannot base his sentence on who he was before.  He doesn’t get special consideration because he was a nice young white dude who can swim fast.

He did not get “20 minutes of action”.  He spent 20 minutes raping a girl and would have spent longer if two other guys hadn’t stepped in, like REAL men, and saved her from further harm.

So what do you think, Your “Honour”?  Gonna take me up on my proposal?

Yeah.  That’s what I thought.

 

 

 

You’re All Naked In Your House Too, Right?

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The other day I was out for a drink with some old friends and the conversation inevitably turned towards our children.  As we shared and laughed and vented, we started talking about nakedness.

When does it stop being appropriate to be naked in front of or with your children?  When does it stop being appropriate to let my little nudists streak around the house doing somersaults and handstands with their vaginas in the air or wieners in their hand?

Cause that happens at all of your homes too, right?

My kids love to be naked.  They only put clothes on after many many repetitions and threats.  The phrase “put your vagina away”  comes out of my mouth at least once per day.

I guess I just worry that the lack of modesty is going to turn into either some sort of weird naked thing at school next year and make my daughter the social pariah amongst her classmates.  And I also worry that some fucking sicko is gonna hurt my kid.

I know.  I know.  I need to calm down about this “putting my child’s life into the hands of strangers” thing at school in the fall.  But seriously.  What if she has trouble pulling up her pants after using the bathroom and there is no one to help her so she just decides to say fuck it and run around naked instead?

We are a naked family.  We don’t close doors, everybody knows about everybody elses junk.  I don’t want my kids to feel self conscious about themselves.  I don’t want them to think negatively or weird about their bodies.  I want them to love them, and understand that what they see in the media in terms of body image isn’t really the truth.  I want them to know what “real” peoples bodies look like and that it is okay to love themselves if they are squishy or hairy or imperfect in any way.

But I also want them to put their goods away when we have people over for dinner.

As it happens, a dear friend of mine sent me this article too:

Basically, a father had his baby in the shower with him when the child was burning with fever, trying to calm him down and help bring the fever down.  Mom thought it was a beautiful moment and captured a few photos which she then posted to Facebook.And people freaked out, because they were both naked.

Ummm.  They are in the shower. A parent.  THEIR CHILD.

Shit.  My kids are four and two and they LOVE it when I come in the bathtub with them.  It’s fun, there’s no fighting about having a bath.  It’s moments that can’t and won’t last forever.

Do we live in such a totally hyper-sexualized community that all nudity represents is someone about to get laid?  Is that why people in North America get so crazy about women breastfeeding in public?  Is THAT why girls can’t wear yoga pants or spaghetti straps to school because any amount of skin shown automatically means something sexual or inappropriate is going on?

Get a fucking grip people.

Our bodies are used for sex, yes.  But they are also used for eating tacos and riding bikes and comforting our children when they are sick.  So, my question still is, when should the family nudity start being weird?  When did you start covering up in front of your kids?  I’m pretty sure a 16 year old girl doesn’t need to see her dad grunting one out on the john, but what about a 6 year old?  When did your kids start asking for privacy?

Adulting is hard.  Parenting is worse.

 

 

 

No, Karla Homolka Can’t Live Next Door To Me, My Serial Rapist Card Is Full

Do you guys remember Karla Homolka?

That crazy bitch who let her boyfriend rape her own sister because of some sick sexual fantasy?  And then let her die after a drug and alcohol combination that she had given her?

Oh, and then she proceeded to kidnap, torture and rape two more teenage girls.  Then she watched her partner ( husband at this time ) murder them.

She videotaped the whole thing and then her and her husband used the videos to reenact things again and again to get off.

She ended up getting convicted of manslaughter and spending only about 12 years in prison for her role in the serial rape and murder of these children.  She married the brother of her defense attorney and has just been found living  in a small town of Quebec with her three children (what the fuck?!)  under a new identity.

And, according to this article, some people think she should be given a second chance.

Ummmmmm, WHAT?

How about no fucking way and fuck you?

She was a serial rapist and accomplice to murders.  The only reason she was able to plea bargain her way down was because the Prosecution signed her deal before the video tapes of the actual crimes were found.  Homolka claimed at the time that she was a victim of abuse and only did what her husband made her do.  What a bunch of actual shit.  She got off on the crimes they committed just as much as he did.

Parents in the community where Homolka now live are freaking the fuck out.  And I would be too.  This psycho’s kids go to their school, so she is seen dropping off her kids at a public school on a daily basis.

NO. JUST NO.

I’m sorry, but it’s not like she stole a loaf of bread.  This woman is a predator who committed horrible crimes of sexual violence against children.  She should never be allowed within a mile of a school ever and if she ever has contact with children should be back in jail.

Serial killers don’t get rehabilitated.  They don’t even know enough about the psychology of what’s going on in their fucked up brains to evaluate them properly, let alone fix them.  Give me a goddamn break.

I am so sick of hearing about all these fucking psycho asshole pieces of shit who get let out of prison and get to go on their merry way like they never did anything wrong.  Why should Homolka get to change her name and have this happy life after what she did?  Why does she get to live anonymously in this community where the parents have NO IDEA that she’s there?  I’m pretty sure I would like to know if a woman with a history of raping and killing little girls lived in my neighborhood.

As far as I’m concerned, the only second chance she gets is between her and God.  She doesn’t get a happy ever after here on Earth.  The parents of the girls she killed don’t get one.

Karla Homolka is not a victim.  She doesn’t have a mental illness that caused her to go off the rails temporarily and do something heinous.  The problem with the world today is that everybody is a goddamn victim of something and uses it as an excuse to be a right asshole.  I don’t care if your Daddy beat you, or if kids teased you at school (which was not the case with Homolka anyway).  You don’t get to go around killing people and offering your little sister’s virginity to some psycho because he called you fat.  I mean if that was the case, I’d have killed a shit ton of people myself already.

Jesus Fuck Canada.  Could you imagine what would have happened to this chick if she lived in the States?  God Bless America today.  Donald Trump and all.

 

 

 

G Is For Gin. One Letter Away From Win.

Some of the bloggers I know are doing this A-Z challenge, where everyday they use the next letter of the alphabet as their inspiration.  Today is “G” day.

And no.  As much as I love them, “G” isn’t for grandparents.  Or greatness.  Or Grand Canyon.

Bitches, “G” is for gin.

With it’s juniper aroma and delicious and versatile flavour, gin and I go waaaayyyy back.  For a time it was definitely my drink of choice until I whored myself out to tequila in my post birth years.

Gin is what got me into trouble, and tequila is how I’m coping with the aftermath of it.

Here is what gin means to me:

1. Gin in a martini.  3 olives.  Very dry and the dirtier the better.
2. Gin in a Caesar.  Don’t judge that until you’ve tried it, and then you will never go back to vodka.
3. Gin straight out of the bottle before you go out to a club for the night.  Because it’s cheaper than drinking at the bar and then your party is already started when you get there.
4. Ultimate panty remover.  Gin played a large role in the conception of my children. If you lean in really close, you will catch the faint scent of a pine forest in their hair.
5. Provides some of the worst hangovers ever but it leaves a faint minty taste in the vomit.  FYI.
6. Straight gin in a dark room after finally getting a screaming baby to sleep after a really rough day.
7. Supposedly helps with the taste of a man’s love juice.  I heard from a friend.  I wouldn’t know because I am not a dirty whore.
8. That I can remember.
9. Gin Cassis martini.  JUST.DO.IT.
10. Gin is one letter away from Win.  Losers don’t like gin…remember that when picking your friends.

 

Now unfortunately, I don’t drink gin much these days.  Much as Buddy ruined seafood and ketchup for me while on the inside, I haven’t been able to rekindle my relationship with gin since giving birth to him.  BUT, it took years for me to eat shrimp again, and I can report that I am gloriously pouring ketchup all over my eggs and fries and pancakes (that’s a whole other post) again.  So I have high hopes of a new relationship the G-Man, built on a solid foundation that will come back stronger than ever.

Until then, I will maintain my whore like affair with tequila, because everyone needs a little mexican in their life at some point.

What does “G” mean to you?

 

I Want To Believe Victims, But The Court Needs To Believe The Facts

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Over the past couple of days I have been reading not only responses to my own article but comments about the Ghomeshi case and verdict in general.  I have also read through Lucy DeCoutere’s post verdict interviews and much criticism about the tactics used by Ghomeshi’s lawyer in court. So I’m still talking about this because the conversation is clearly not over.

In this case, and unfortunately in most cases of sexual assault where the accused is known to the complainant, the only evidence used in the prosecution is the witness’s accounts of the incident.  Therefore, I think it is unfortunately absolutely appropriate for the defense to go after said testimony and attempt to discredit the witnesses. How else is she supposed to defend the case?  Like it or not, we are supposed to have a system of innocent until proven guilty, and all defendants have a right to refute the charges and have a defense team argue their case for them.

We also cannot change the system to one where we automatically believe victims and assume guilt at all costs, because that would lead to victims on the other side; people being falsely accused by scorned men and women screaming rape when they are actually after revenge.

In this case in particular, how can we honestly believe that a woman doesn’t recall sending flowers and writing notes to a man who supposedly assaulted her?   And yes, it has been over 10 years and I’m not sure I would remember every single email I sent to someone either,  but something like a handwritten note with flowers is out of the ordinary enough that it would stand out in one’s mind.

And let’s be real.  These women did not have relationships with Ghomeshi that went past a couple of dates.  They had no reason to ever see or speak to him again. But they did.   They didn’t go to work the nest day and have to see him and convince themselves that whatever happened was a misunderstanding.  They, in my interpretation, actively pursued the man who supposedly assaulted them.  By sending provocative emails.  By sending suggestive notes that said “I love your hands“.  By sending blunt emails that said “I want to fuck your brains out.”

Unfortunately, no matter how they or anybody else try to justify that, if I am interpreting their behaviour as desire and pursuit, how is a man supposed to interpret that?  Women can’t say one thing and mean another and then assume a man can read her mind….because then no doesn’t mean no either.  It’s a total double standard.

We have been trying to promote  “No means NO”.  (And it should) .  We also accept that if a person is in a position where they are incapable of saying no  ( for example being a child, intellectually disabled, drunk, drugged, unconscious) that it also means consent is not given and an assault has occurred.

And if those things are true ( which they SHOULD be), then when does “I want to fuck your brains out”  translate to  ” You hurt me and I don’t like what you did and never touch me again”

I am sorry that these women feel shame. I want to believe them and any other woman who has been hurt.  Unfortunately I don’t know what actually happened behind closed doors.  He could be a total psycho for all we know.  But it is also possible that he is just a kinky guy who liked to fuck around with a lot of women with no strings attached.  It’s also possible that they pursued him a lot harder than he pursued them and then they got pissed off.

And like I said originally, women need to empower themselves.  Not wait for an imperfect system to rescue them.  Especially when “No means no”  and “I want to fuck your brains out”  seems to also means “no”. 

That’s not blame.  That’s not shame.  It’s learning how to protect yourself better in a system that clearly is not able to protect you.

All I can really say is that telling women to mean what they say and say what they mean is  NOT victim blaming.  It’s telling us to send clear messages.  It’s telling us to stop putting ourselves in situations where we get hurt repeatedly.  It’s telling us that it’s 2016, and your best chance of catching your assailant is to get help immediately.  Press charges, find your support system and don’t take any crap. Don’t wait ten years when your memory is foggy and you know that any decent defense lawyer is going to punch your testimony wide open. No one can blame a victim for being victimized, but you can learn to take your power back.

I don’t know if Ghomeshi is guilty or not.  But I do know that regardless of whether it is politically correct for me to say it or not, the women’s behaviour after the alleged incidents, and their lies and omissions in court made me it really hard for me to believe them.  Like it or not, their behaviour does matter, because if you are going to accuse a person of a terrible crime, you better have your facts straight.

I’m all for believing victims, but the court has an obligation to believe the facts.

 

 

So Jian Ghomeshi Got Acquitted, And The Judge Got It Right

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For any of you who have been following the Jian Ghomeshi circus/trail, you will know that the judge delivered his verdict yesterday morning.  Ghomeshi was acquitted on all charges.

And I have to tell you, the judge absolutely got this one right.

Now I know the court of public opinion is going to disagree with me on this one, but I honestly don’t give a shit.  I spent a good deal of time reading through the court transcript yesterday, and there is no fucking way the judge could have in good faith come back with any other verdict.  I read the transcript because I wanted to read from the judge’s own words what he based his call on without the sensationalized media feed that leaves out important details and embellishes the ones that sell the story.  If you have a good 30 minutes, you can read it here.

Here’s the thing.  We will never know for sure what the true nature of Jian Ghomeshi’s relationships were with these women.  Was he a rough lover?  Was he a complete dick?  Was he the sort of man who used his celebrity, charm and good looks to manipulate women into doing things they weren’t comfortable in doing?  Quite possibly yes.  But I wasn’t there, and neither were you.

I don’t know if this man actually did what he was accused of or not. But I do know that convicting a man of a crime and sending him to jail for possibly the rest of his life ( The “overcome resistance-choking” charge carries a maximum sentence of life in prison) because a bunch of protestors are outside ripping off their shirts and freaking out is not a reasonable thing for a judge to do.

If you read the evidence presented, no matter how much the court of public opinion deemed him guilty the second he was charged, the judge absolutely did his job in upholding justice and the prosecution failed miserably to present an air tight case where we could believe the witnesses.  The whole case is based upon the credibility of the witnesses, and their credibility did not hold up.  They lied, they omitted, they plotted, and their stories did not hold up.  Period.

If Ghomeshi had been convicted, it would set a much scarier precedent in my opinion.  It would take away the presumption of innocence for anybody, and let’s face it.  The police get it wrong sometimes.  Witnesses lie.  People accuse each other of all sorts of horrible things that aren’t true  for their own gain or for revenge.

NOW.  Let’s get something straight.  I am a woman.  I don’t believe that any man has any right to put his hands on me in any way, sexual or otherwise that I don’t consent to.  This is not about victim blaming.  This is about a case that had insufficient evidence to convict the accused.

And let’s get something else straight.  I am not a victim of sexual assault.  I can’t understand what a woman ( or man for that matter) goes through after being assaulted.  But I also cannot imagine sending repeated emails to someone who beat me and sexually assaulted me and ask them to fuck me again.  I cannot imagine re-initiating contact with someone for months and years after the assault happened and try to flirt with them some more.  I get how trauma confuses you and you try to pretend to yourself that it was a misunderstanding.  And so you go to work the next day and smile at the person and try to keep the peace, because that’s what nice girls do, right?

And to me, that is the most important issue at hand.  Girls always trying to do what’s nice.  Trying not to piss anyone off or offend anyone.  FUCK.THAT.

So, yes.  Ghomeshi was acquitted.  Legally, the right thing for the judge to do.

But let’s not make this the Canadian O.J.  I don’t want to hear about how victims were failed in this case.  I don’t want to hear how this was a step back for women because he got off.

It was a step back for women because we continually accept less than we deserve.  It was a step back for women because we continue to allow men to have power over us because we feel bad when we fucking say NO.  Have you ever noticed that when a women says no to anything, it’s the start of a negotiation?  NO means fucking NO.

We are so worried that we might hurt someone’s feelings or that our steadfast opinion is going to piss someone off or that a guy won’t like us anymore because we don’t want to fuck him.  So we fuck him to make ourselves feel better and hope that he will love us.  And then he doesn’t, and so we try harder the next time.

Girls.  Stop it.  Determine your self worth and stop giving a fuck what other people think so much. Set a new precedent.

And no, putting Jian Ghomeshi in jail wasn’t going to fix all the wrongs that have been done to women since forever.  If anything, this trial should empower women to report crimes against them immediately.  To fight this male dominance shit with girl power.

And no, please don’t twist my words into saying that I am blaming the victims for what happened to them.  I am saying that in our society, women are victimized because the perpetrators know they can get away with it.  Because we don’t report it.  Because we aren’t clear with our desires and intentions.  If we take the circumstances from the Ghomeshi case and learn from them, we can be stronger and more victims would get their justice.  Don’t wait 10 years to find your voice.  You have one now.  You can do it.

So no.  I don’t think the judge got it wrong yesterday.   We’ve been getting it wrong since the beginning of time.  Change the culture.  Take your power back.  Sending Jian Ghomeshi to jail on insufficient evidence won’t do that for you.  Only you can.