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Tag: carseat

I Don’t Think Jesus Loves Children As Much As He Claims



Do you remember that time I took both offspring to a Folk Mass service and potluck dinner?

Yeah.  It was yesterday.  The eating part was ok.  I managed to get a couple of meatballs and tomatoes into them before they were too distracted by all the things they could try and break.  And all the places they could escape to, because if there’s a door, it should be opened, right?  If there’s stairs, they should be climbed or fallen down, right?

It’s impossible to go anywhere with an almost two year old and almost four year old without people staring at you.  Because toddlers are little assholes.

I’m not sure why Jesus loves children so much because you know what?  They act like total dicks in church.

So much that we had to leave early.  Somebody missed his nap and just couldn’t keep it together til the very end.  So I packed up and we went to leave.

And that’s when Jesus got his revenge.

It was pretty humid all day and the sky was looking questionably grey. It was just starting to rain, and as we walked down the stairs on our way to the car, He literally opened up the Heavens and the skies and all the things that make you wet and unleashed a torrent of rain. It was like someone dumped the biggest bucket of water in the history of ever over our heads.

Destroyer:  ” I don’t like to be wet!”

Me:  “Then you better run faster.”

And you what else?  Fuck carseats.  Fuck them right to hell where they actually belong.

Because the run to the car was only about 30 seconds.  And while I got my children sheltered into the car, I had to buckle them into those fucking seats while God punished me for my children’s ill behavior.  Next time I go to church with my children I’m wearing a bathing suit.

Thanks a lot Buddy.  Can’t take you anywhere without it being a total circus.

Hot On The Titties Is Back!

www.meetup.com  Also, I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Also, I just threw up in my mouth a little.

I bet you think you know what I’m going to write about today don’t you?  Since the restaurant in Washington has banned children under 9 in the evening, you figure I’m all hot on the tits about this again.  But I think I’ve exhausted my opinion on it.  If you want to read about it, click here.

NO, bitches, today I want to talk about something else that irritates me.

I. Fucking. Hate. The Word. Playdate.

It is seriously the most ridiculous term that has ever entered our common vocabulary.  It sends gross chills up my spine it’s so stupid. And the reason it annoys me so much?  It is indicative of just how retarded we have become when it comes to over-scheduling not just the activities of our children, but of our lives in general.

Since when do babies and small children need to have social coordinators? Let’s face it.  What’s actually happening is two parents needed some adult companionship so they throw their children together in hopes that they will entertain each other while we have a coffee.  It’s not a play date.  It’s two adults making plans.

I don’t know, maybe I’m just really old fashioned, but I also think it speaks volumes about the loss of community in this generation.  I remember walking across the street after dinner as a child as ringing the doorbell to see if my friend could come outside to play with me.  I don’t remember our parents having to get together and planning something two months from now and calling it a fucking date.  It just makes me sad that we don’t know and trust our neighbors enough these days to be able to do that.

Or maybe the problem is that there is never anybody home.  Everyone is in their car, driving their kids to their 10000 registered activities during the week.  So we can ring the doorbell all we want, but no one will answer.

In any case, you can call me to see if we’re busy today, but if you call it a playdate, I won’t make you any fucking coffee.  Because I like to go dutch on dates.  Unless you’re paying.

The other thing on my mind today is carseats.  It is recommended that children be strapped into a fucking booster until they are 100 pounds.  Destroyer will be lucky to be hundred pounds by the time she goes to Driver’s Ed.  Do they make boosters for the driver’s seat?  Furthermore, carseats are considered “expired” after 5 years.  We just bought a convertible seat that turns into a booster and is good up to the magic 100 pound mark.  She has finally hit 25 pounds at age 2.  What do you think the chance is that she’ll be 100 pounds within 4 years?

It’s nothing but a fucking money grab.  AS IF i am going to throw the thing out in 4 years.

I hate rules.

When they are stupid.  And I didn’t make them.

And playdates. Because they are make believe.



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