So I have this sign on our door that say “No Solicitors, Peddlers or Agents”.
What does that mean to all of you regular people who aren’t assholes?
Does it mean to please ring my doorbell, as long as you aren’t selling me something? Does it mean that I would certainly like to talk to you about your charitable organization while my dogs and my children are now going beserk in the background after the sound of the doorbell made them think that friends were here to play with them?
Does “No Agents, Peddlers or Solicitors” not apply to you because you want to give me a free Bible and talk to me like I didn’t go to church all my life?
And of course it means that the people I am currently working with online who have paid for an hour of my time are overjoyed that you have rung my doorbell and created this fucking circus in my house so that they can concentrate extra hard once the interruption has passed.
Look asshole. I’ll tell you what the sign actually means, so that next time you won’t have to guess.
“NO SOLICTORS, AGENTS OR PEDDLERS” Means YOU.
It means that if I didn’t ask you to come over, I don’t want to talk to you.
It means that unless someone is dying or your house is on fire, or MY house is on fire, GO AWAY.
It means that even though 8:00pm doesn’t seem late to you, that is the time where I am desperately trying to convince my children to go to sleep by reading stories in a dimly lit room and cuddling until they fall asleep. And that takes a really long time. And if you ring my goddamn bell, I have to start the process all over again. And THAT means you are now cutting into my precious, tiny window of adult time in the evening.
It means that I work from home, and you are interrupting me.
It means that that I already have a Bible, and Jesus knows where I live if there is anything He would like to discuss with me further.
It means don’t ring the bell.
It means that you are running the risk of getting vagina punched.
And it means that unless you are Channing Tatum, Lenny Kravitz, or Madonna, I will hate you. It means that unless you can prove that you are one of these three people, kindly just go find something else to do with your time, and leave me out of it. If you happen to be Channing, Lenny or Madonna, the rules don’t apply to you.
Although, Lenny Kravitz is a raw vegan now or something and I’m not sure I can handle that kind of nonsense in my house. What would I offer him? HI Lenny, wasn’t expecting you, can I offer you some romaine lettuce and a plum?
Anyway. I don’t understand why people always think that these signs apply to everyone except for them. I don’t have any money to give you, I’m already short on time, and I pretty much hate everyone until they prove not to be an asshole, and if you’re randomly knocking on my door your chances ain’t good of gaining anything but rage from me.
I just find all the cold calling and telemarketing annoying as it is, and now people are just starting to go door to door to get my attention. It’s so invasive.
PS. Channing, I’ll be waiting.