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Tag: charity

Stop Ringing My Doorbell, A$$holes Of The Universe

So I have this sign on our door that say “No Solicitors, Peddlers or Agents”. 

What does that mean to all of you regular people who aren’t assholes?

Does it mean to please ring my doorbell, as long as you aren’t selling me something?  Does it mean that I would certainly like to talk to you about your charitable organization while my dogs and my children are now going beserk in the background after the sound of the doorbell made them think that friends were here to play with them?

Does “No Agents, Peddlers or Solicitors” not apply to you because you want to give me a free Bible and talk to me like I didn’t go to church all my life?

And of course it means that the people I am currently working with online who have paid for an hour of my time are overjoyed that you have rung my doorbell and created this fucking circus in my house so that they can concentrate extra hard once the interruption has passed.

Look asshole.  I’ll tell you what the sign actually means, so that next time you won’t have to guess.

“NO SOLICTORS, AGENTS OR PEDDLERS” Means YOU.

It means that if I didn’t ask you to come over, I don’t want to talk to you.

It means that unless someone is dying or your house is on fire, or MY house is on fire, GO AWAY.

It means that even though 8:00pm doesn’t seem late to you, that is the time where I am desperately trying to convince my children to go to sleep by reading stories in a dimly lit room and cuddling until they fall asleep.  And that takes a really long time.  And if you ring my goddamn bell, I have to start the process all over again.  And THAT means you are now cutting into my precious, tiny window of adult time in the evening.

It means that I work from home, and you are interrupting me.

It means that that I already have a Bible, and Jesus knows where I live if there is anything He would like to discuss with me further.

It means don’t ring the bell.

It means that you are running the risk of getting vagina punched.

And it means that unless you are Channing Tatum, Lenny Kravitz, or Madonna, I will hate you.  It means that unless you can prove that you are one of these three people, kindly just go find something else to do with your time, and leave me out of it.  If you happen to be Channing, Lenny or Madonna, the rules don’t apply to you.

Although, Lenny Kravitz is a raw vegan now or something and I’m not sure I can handle that kind of nonsense in my house.  What would I offer him?  HI Lenny, wasn’t expecting you, can I offer you some romaine lettuce and a plum?

Anyway.  I don’t understand why people always think that these signs apply to everyone except for them.  I don’t have any money to give you, I’m already short on time, and I pretty much hate everyone until they prove not to be an asshole, and if you’re randomly knocking on my door your chances ain’t good of gaining anything but rage from me.

I just find all the cold calling and telemarketing annoying as it is, and now people are just starting to go door to door to get my attention.  It’s so invasive.

Seriously.

PS.  Channing, I’ll be waiting.

 

 

Go Away. I Will Eat You Tomorrow.

You know what I hate?  People who are trying to sell me something.  Or convince me of something.  Or guilt me into to something.  Or who want me to support their cause.

Guess what, assholes of the universe?  I don’t want to buy your crap.  I don’t want to support your team if you’re a stranger.  And by the way, I have my own fucking cause to support right now.  It’s called two children under the age of two who need to nap.  And when you ring my doorbell trying to get me to support your cause, it sends the dogs into a frenzy and wakes up my children.

AND guess what your chances are of getting my money now?  They used to be 0%.  Now you’re at minus 1000%.  Try digging yourself out of that hole, Dicksmack.

Seriously.  Are we in the 1950’s still?  Do people actually go door to door to peddle their shit?  Why don’t you go on Dragon’s Den or get an infomercial like everyone else out there, and leave me alone?

Furthermore, I have not one, but, TWO signs on my door saying “No solicitors, agents, or peddlers” and “no unsolicited flyers”.  Why is it that every single person trying to get my money thinks these signs apply to everyone except for them.

Because you know what?  It’s not that your charitable organization isn’t worthy.  It’s not because I’m a scrooged out old bag who can’t part with her money.  I support plenty of fundraisers and make plenty of donations whether it be items or money.  The signs mean that I don’t want a stranger ringing my bell and waking up my babies that finally went to sleep after they have been driving me up the goddamn wall all morning.  It’s about me having one small window during the day where both of my children are momentarily satisfied enough with life to leave me alone long enough to have a sandwich and read a book.  It’s about you disturbing my peace.

So pardon me for asking you to go away or telling you to go fuck yourself if I’m feeling overly irritated. Which will happen when you don’t accept the word “no”, by the way. I don’t think I need to be nice to you when you have clearly disregarded my wish to be left alone.  I’m sorry if I offended you or if you think I’m a bitch.  But you earned it.

I think I’m going to change the sign on my door:

“Babies sleeping.  Ringing this bell will trigger the trap door which lets my guard dog out to chomp on your balls.”

and

“Go Away. I will eat you tomorrow.”  (thank you Paper Bag Princess for this lovely phrase..)

I wonder if people would get it then?

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