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Tag: Jesus

Miracles Could Happen Everyday If We Would Just Stop Getting In The Damn Way

We’ve all heard and read about so many stories of abuse and neglect.  Have you seen this one yet?

It’s the story of a 15 year old boy who was found starved and who had died from a bacterial sepsis that occurred due to his diabetes and malnutrition.  The parents went to church and came back two hours later to find their son not breathing.  So they sat there and prayed.  For two hours.  They prayed and just let him be dead.

I don’t get it.  How are people so stupid?

I believe in God. I believe Jesus was his son and died for us and came back to life.  I go to church occasionally.    I grew up in the Anglican faith and that is still what I believe today.  And nowhere that I remember does it say to neglect and starve your children, and then get on your knees so that Jesus can come down and perform a miracle.

It just doesn’t work that way.  I strongly believe that prayers are answered every day, but some of these fanatical religious folks have all fucked up in their head.  God doesn’t appear in burning bushes and the last time I saw an Angel I was pretty high on mushrooms.  When you pray for a miracle, you are asking for God to give His grace to a doctor or nurse to find a way using their talents to save your person.

I feel like sometimes we have to get with the times.  Call the ambulance and THEN pray.  If you don’t get all the right people in the right place, what are you praying for? For your kid to get deader?

I remember my Dad telling me the story of a man sitting on his roof during a flood.  As the water rose and rose, he prayed for God to save him.  Three different times, three different would-be rescuers came by and offered to help him.  A canoe, a sailboat, and a helicopter.  All three time, the man sent the rescuers away, saying that God would save him.    Eventually, the water rose so high that the man drowned.  When he got to Heaven, he asked God why he didn’t answer his prayer and save him.  And God said “THREE times I sent someone to help you, but you turned them away, three times you rejected my help.”

People need to realize that with our free will God gave us incredible abilities and talents.  God still helps out, but WE are the means and the vessels of his work.  Modern medicine doesn’t need to be separated from religion.

When someone is sick and we pray for help, we are praying for a doctor to know what to do to make them better.  When you call 911, and pray, you are praying for the EMT’s to get there in time.  When you pray for money, the answer may come in a better job.

So either these parents were just disillusioned and have their faith backwards, or they are just  neglectful pieces of shit.  Which is a whole other post.  How the hell your parental instincts don’t exist and love and concern for your child trump everything is beyond anything I can comprehend.  And sometimes I think this is just it….these parents were just monsters who couldn’t love their child and used religion as an excuse.  Or to make themselves feel better.

Either way, I hope God makes the right judgement on them.  Because it’s not HIS fault the child died, it’s theirs.

So yes, go ahead and pray.  But miracles are earthly events that happen through earthly beings.  Don’t be an asshole and ignore that.

Stop Ringing My Doorbell, A$$holes Of The Universe

So I have this sign on our door that say “No Solicitors, Peddlers or Agents”. 

What does that mean to all of you regular people who aren’t assholes?

Does it mean to please ring my doorbell, as long as you aren’t selling me something?  Does it mean that I would certainly like to talk to you about your charitable organization while my dogs and my children are now going beserk in the background after the sound of the doorbell made them think that friends were here to play with them?

Does “No Agents, Peddlers or Solicitors” not apply to you because you want to give me a free Bible and talk to me like I didn’t go to church all my life?

And of course it means that the people I am currently working with online who have paid for an hour of my time are overjoyed that you have rung my doorbell and created this fucking circus in my house so that they can concentrate extra hard once the interruption has passed.

Look asshole.  I’ll tell you what the sign actually means, so that next time you won’t have to guess.

“NO SOLICTORS, AGENTS OR PEDDLERS” Means YOU.

It means that if I didn’t ask you to come over, I don’t want to talk to you.

It means that unless someone is dying or your house is on fire, or MY house is on fire, GO AWAY.

It means that even though 8:00pm doesn’t seem late to you, that is the time where I am desperately trying to convince my children to go to sleep by reading stories in a dimly lit room and cuddling until they fall asleep.  And that takes a really long time.  And if you ring my goddamn bell, I have to start the process all over again.  And THAT means you are now cutting into my precious, tiny window of adult time in the evening.

It means that I work from home, and you are interrupting me.

It means that that I already have a Bible, and Jesus knows where I live if there is anything He would like to discuss with me further.

It means don’t ring the bell.

It means that you are running the risk of getting vagina punched.

And it means that unless you are Channing Tatum, Lenny Kravitz, or Madonna, I will hate you.  It means that unless you can prove that you are one of these three people, kindly just go find something else to do with your time, and leave me out of it.  If you happen to be Channing, Lenny or Madonna, the rules don’t apply to you.

Although, Lenny Kravitz is a raw vegan now or something and I’m not sure I can handle that kind of nonsense in my house.  What would I offer him?  HI Lenny, wasn’t expecting you, can I offer you some romaine lettuce and a plum?

Anyway.  I don’t understand why people always think that these signs apply to everyone except for them.  I don’t have any money to give you, I’m already short on time, and I pretty much hate everyone until they prove not to be an asshole, and if you’re randomly knocking on my door your chances ain’t good of gaining anything but rage from me.

I just find all the cold calling and telemarketing annoying as it is, and now people are just starting to go door to door to get my attention.  It’s so invasive.

Seriously.

PS.  Channing, I’ll be waiting.

 

 

Getting Drunk On A Monday Night With Jesus And Some Lime Green Underpants

wine-glasses-308871_960_720

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Do you remember that time, Bitches, when you didn’t have adult responsibilities or children or any other early morning commitments?  When you got randomly drunk on  Monday night and it wouldn’t matter?

I have this friend, (who we won’t call Cookie because it’s most certainly NOT her name), who decided to have a mini Bachelor Finale party on a Monday night.  She figured a couple girl friends would come over and they’d pig out and watch Ben Higgins cry for the one millionth time and call it a night.

And then her pal shows up in a sweatsuit onesie with a bottle of wine in her hand and some crazy looking Jesus lookalike motherfucker who was supposedly her husband.  And the next friend showed up with a bottle of sweet bubbly wine with her titties hanging out of her tank top and next things you know, everyone is drunk in the kitchen before they even start the show.

And as far as parties go, it was pretty mild.  The Jesus lookalike had the kids dancing and sing some crazy Star Wars song and somehow inspired the Destroyer to want to practice her violin at 8:30 at night.  He might not have been Jesus for real, but he performed a small miracle. Husband had the hockey game on and dutifully tolerated the chaos I had created in his house.  Only one pair of underpants were flashed and they weren’t even mine.

Anyway, everything was fine until Ben Higgins chose the wrong fucking girl.  HOW?  Worst move ever.

The other thing that happened was that it became Tuesday somehow. And that’s the real shitter.  Seriously.  Before I had to adult during the day, or parent, or be any sort of useful member of society, who cares if I got randomly drunk on a Monday night?

Well this bitch cares today.  My body is broken.  My brain is fuzzy and I feel mildly dizzy.  I have this uncontrollable urge to eat greasy food combined with the sudden urge to vomit.  It’s kinda like morning sickness but instead of blaming a baby, I have no one to blame but myself.  And the friend in the sweatpants onesie and lime green underpants.

And I think back to when I was in my twenties, when I would kill a bottle of wine before even going out at night and wonder how the hell did I survive?

I tell you one thing, I am going to buy my liver a present.  For hanging in there all these years.

And next week, I’m not getting drunk on a Monday night.

 

I Don’t Think Jesus Loves Children As Much As He Claims

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pixabay.com

Do you remember that time I took both offspring to a Folk Mass service and potluck dinner?

Yeah.  It was yesterday.  The eating part was ok.  I managed to get a couple of meatballs and tomatoes into them before they were too distracted by all the things they could try and break.  And all the places they could escape to, because if there’s a door, it should be opened, right?  If there’s stairs, they should be climbed or fallen down, right?

It’s impossible to go anywhere with an almost two year old and almost four year old without people staring at you.  Because toddlers are little assholes.

I’m not sure why Jesus loves children so much because you know what?  They act like total dicks in church.

So much that we had to leave early.  Somebody missed his nap and just couldn’t keep it together til the very end.  So I packed up and we went to leave.

And that’s when Jesus got his revenge.

It was pretty humid all day and the sky was looking questionably grey. It was just starting to rain, and as we walked down the stairs on our way to the car, He literally opened up the Heavens and the skies and all the things that make you wet and unleashed a torrent of rain. It was like someone dumped the biggest bucket of water in the history of ever over our heads.

Destroyer:  ” I don’t like to be wet!”

Me:  “Then you better run faster.”

And you what else?  Fuck carseats.  Fuck them right to hell where they actually belong.

Because the run to the car was only about 30 seconds.  And while I got my children sheltered into the car, I had to buckle them into those fucking seats while God punished me for my children’s ill behavior.  Next time I go to church with my children I’m wearing a bathing suit.

Thanks a lot Buddy.  Can’t take you anywhere without it being a total circus.

Hot on The Titties: All About Penises

Good Morning, Kids.

Ready to get Hot on the Titties?   I was contemplating what to write about this morning, and started thinking how we spend a lot of time talking about girl things.  You know, childbirth, vaginas, pregnancy, blah blah blah.

Today, boys, I wanna switch it up and talk about your junk.  That’s right.  We’re going to think about penises all day long.

So what I really want to give people a chance to weigh in on is the question of cut or uncut.  Seeing as I will be shooting a boy out of my cookie in a few short weeks, we have had to make the decision on whether or not to circumcise our man-child.  And we’ve decided that we absolutely will.  Does that make us horrible people?  Or are we traditionalists, who want what we feel is best for our child?

Years ago, it was such a no-brainer.  In fact, they used to snip away right after birth, right in the hospital and be done with it.  I think you could even get a rabbi to come in and do it for you if you were Jewish enough.

Now, however, it’s just another topic in an endless stream of parenting decisions.  Googling circumcision this morning provided me horrible images of procedures gone wrong.  Blood stained infants.  Protest and parades of people wearing penis suits marching down city streets.  It’s become a real thing.

So, why or why not?

There seems to be some evidence that removing the foreskin can help prevent sexually transmitted diseases (particularly HIV), is cleaner, and perhaps even prevents penile cancer.  (though this cancer is so rare the jury is still out on this).

Then the great Dr. Sears claims that the prevention of infections, etc is only relevant if the man or boy isn’t following proper hygiene.

There is a chance that keeping the foreskin makes sex better.  But this is my son we’re talking about, and he will remain a virgin until his wedding day so really, is this relevant?  His sexy time is not my business.

Plus there is the whole aesthetic.  I don’t know what the rest of you girls prefer, but I like the penis to be nice and streamlined.  I like the purple head that comes out.  I like a clean, naked look.  It’s kind like someone walking around wearing a hood all of the time.  Don’t people usually do this when they have something to hide?  Or if they are ugly?  Or ashamed of something?

I want to know what I’m getting.  NO shameful, ugly, hidden penises for me.  I like it cut.  I’ve never even seen a real live, uncut Johnson.  Only in the movies, and they looked kinda scary.  Like something out of my invertebrate zoology textbook.

And let’s get real about the whole hygiene thing.  It usually takes about until the child is 3 or so for the foreskin to be completely retractable.   Which means every time they bathe or you bathe them, you will have to manually pull it back and get in there to clean it out.  Is there something wrong with me if I say that this horrifies me?    I don’t want to peel back his penis skin.  And as if any little boy will remember to do this on his own.

NO. We don’t want any smelly, hooded penises in this house.  They’re not for us.

But medically, and if I try to be reasonable, there isn’t concrete medical reasons to have my child circumcised.  And I’m not Jewish.

But Jesus was.  And we are supposed to live like Jesus, right?  So circumcision it is.

How about you?  Cut or Uncut?  Did you?  Will you?

And girls…..have you?

Happy Friday, bitches.

 

Forgiveness

I know its Friday today, but my tits aren’t hot.  You can thank Wednesday’s post for that.  Today is Good Friday, so whether you are a Christian or not, I would like to plant  a seed in you today instead.

I want to keep this short, and let you figure out your own reasons.  I want to talk about forgiveness today.

All Eater Bunnies and turkey dinners aside, Easter is the most important holiday in the Christian faith.  WHAT?  What about Christmas?

Well, without Easter, Jesus would have just been another prophet.  I think most of us know the story.  He was crucified, died a horrible death on the cross, and rose again.

But why?  So we can all have eternal life?  Super.  You’re all wondering why that’s important to today.  Especially if you don’t believe in the same things as I do.

Here is the relevance, whether you believe or don’t.  It introduced the concept of forgiveness into the world.  I am not a history expert, and many of you will need to correct me on my facts, but I get the impression that before the event of Jesus dying on the cross we didn’t think that forgiveness was an option.   We figured vengeance and honor were more important.

Why is that significant?  Because it tipped the scales of humanity.  Because forgiveness is a loved based action, where vengeance is hate and anger based.  We forgive out of love.  Love for our perpetrators, love for ourselves, love for our families.  We seek vengeance because we are angry and want to even the score.  It begins a vicious circle that sees no end.

Sometimes, forgiveness is easy.  The Destroyer slapped me in the face yesterday on purpose about a thousand times.  She thinks it’s hilarious.  I think it hurts.  Easy to forgive though?  You betcha.  Because I love her, because I know she doesn’t mean it, because nothing in this world is strong enough to make me resent her.

There are harder ones of course.  People will inherently hurt you deeply. Emotionally. Physically.  Why should we forgive them?  Because Jesus forgives us.

Well that’s a great answer if you’re a Christian, somewhere in line with “Because I said so”.

I think it was Oprah who once said that forgiveness is the only thing that releases us from our pain and disappointment caused by others. (or something like that)

And you know, she’s right.  Not be able to forgive someone keeps you connected to whatever hurt you.  It prevents you from letting go and moving on.  It keeps you angry and distracts you from the things in life that bring you joy.  Forgiveness is an act of strength.  It takes more guts to be able to say “I forgive you” than to hold a grudge.  Because you have to overcome anger, and resentment, and pride.  Oh pride.

There are countries and societies that seem to be in permanent conflict over what wrongs were done to them, and how they must get even etc etc.  If one side would just say “enough.  All is forgiven, let’s start over”  the world would be a less violent place.

So whether you believe the story of the crucifixion or not, think about forgiving someone today.  Let it go. Your heart will be less heavy, and your vision more clear.

Jesus Likes Gay People Better Than Assholes

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I’m going to start Monday off with a bang.  Put your party hats on kids, because we’ve got a real live controversy going on right here in Manitoba.  In fact, it’s going on in a town about 30 minutes from here called Steinbach.

To give you some background, this little town is known for its strong Mennonite roots, and strict religious rules.  I think that restaurants are finally permitted to serve alcohol.   Usually, the biggest offense with the people who live there is when they come into the city to eat and tip like shit on Sundays.  Cheap fuckers, let me tell you.

Currently, there is a piece of anti-bullying legislation on the table in Manitoba, which specifically outlines some rights for students wishing to support a gay-straight alliance in schools.  Basically, a peer group where everyone is accepted, regardless of sexual orientation.  It’s called Bill 18.

Well, a pastor in Steinbach is rallying the troops against Bill 18, trying to create and gather political support, citing infringement of religious freedom, blah blah blah.

The usual ignorant, discriminatory bullshit that people display because they are bigots, who try to justify themselves by hiding behind Jesus.

This whole thing has my tits so hot that they are almost on fire.  I am no theological scholar, or expert, or nun or whatever.  But I do know this.  In my experience, the people who walk around with a giant cardboard cutout of Jesus in front of them in order to justify every piece of hateful and judgmental behaviour they exhibit are often the ones who know the least about him.

Let me tell you about Jesus.  He hung out with the thieves and the whores.  He loved them and accepted them for what they are.  Because no one, not one person ever, has led a clean life without fucking up.  All sin is equal.  What’s that Bigot Pastor?  Had a hateful thought against that child because he’s gay?  That sin is equal to one sin of the gay child, no matter what it is.

Oh, and  you judged the child for it?  Guess that’s actually 2 sins for the child’s one.  I guess you’re the bigger asshole after all.  And I’m pretty sure Jesus likes gay people better than assholes.  Since being an asshole is a choice and all.

“Let he that be without sin cast the first stone”

What’s that motherfucker?  Afraid to break the glass around you?  Maybe you should just put the stone down and call it a day.

Here’s the thing about organized religion.  (Disclaimer: As an Anglican, I do believe that church communities are an important part of faith, but this is the challenge they all face)  When a whole bunch of people get together to worship or build a community, we tend to taint it with our human bullshit.   It is very easy to lose sight of why you came together in the first place.  Christianity is about love, and forgiveness, and acceptance, and peace. It’s very easy to read the rules outlined in the Bible and feel our superiority rising because we can tick off all the things we’ve done “right” according to Scriptures.

The funny thing is that the single most important thing in the whole book is to love one another.  Yet it seems to be the hardest thing to do.  I think its human nature to want to feel good about yourself, and for some reason, we think the easiest way to do that is by pointing the finger someone elses way.

But let me tell you this.  No matter how much shadow you try and cast in another direction, your light won’t get any brighter.  No matter how much you tear someone else down, you will not raise any higher.

I don’t understand why a gay-straight alliance threatens anyone’s religious freedom.  Mostly because it really doesn’t.  No matter how much this pastor tries to hide behind Jesus’s robes, I still see him for what he is.

Our jobs as adults and parents are to protect our children from harm.  Whether that comes from physical danger, bullying, or illness.  Not to be one of the things threatening them.

You’d think after 2000 years, we’d finally get it.  “the greatest of these is love”

Nope.  We’re still stuck on “man shall lie with woman”  (pardon my paraphrasing).   And I’m pretty sure that it says somewhere that we’re not supposed to eat pig or shellfish.

Guess no one in Steinbach eats pork chops or comes out to Red Lobster for all you can eat shrimp.

Yeah.  Ok.

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