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Tag: Justin Bieber

Anyone Want To See A “Snap” Of The Giant Poop In The Bathtub?



So I have this friend.  She is the girlfriend of Husband’s Bestie, so I guess you could call her my bestie-in-law.

Her and Husband’s Bestie spend a lot of time eating out.  Taking pictures of delicious food and drinks that they actually have money for and time to do.  This past weekend, she took a couple extra days off work and stayed in bed watching all the Oscar nominated movies without anybody interrupting her. 

And I guess you could say that her, in combination with the entity that is fucking Snapchat is making me feel like a real loser these days.

Every single morning I wake up to a bunch of “Snaps” from another friend in his early twenties.  They are basically a bunch of short videos of him drinking beer, slow dancing with cats and taking shots of gin. It usually includes singing of some sort of Justin Bieber song.  And not even the one I like.  I just sit there, thinking about the party I had watching HGTV and eating freezies on the couch the night before.  If I could figure out how to Snap him back, what would I take a video of?  Me drinking a glass of wine and contemplating if I can stay awake long enough to watch a full hour long drama before bed?

Maybe I should ditch the blog and figure out how to use Snapchat in order to give ya’ll real insight into what fucking goes on around here some days.

Then I wouldn’t have to describe how on Friday night I finally get the kids in the tub and they are momentarily not screaming or trying to kill one another. So I walk into another room to tidy up or something equally as glamorous when I hear Destroyer yelling from the tub “MOMMY!  Buddy pooped in the tub!”


I wouldn’t have to describe how both children were standing on their tiptoes on one corner of the bathtub.  I wouldn’t have to describe a 6 inch long turd floating in the water.  And I certainly wouldn’t have to explain to you how I momentarily had to do a double take because in my delirium I thought for a second there was a worm in it.

And MY Bestie could have just “Snapped” me a video of Buddy pulling his penis out during dinner on Saturday and pissing on the dog while I was at work.

Maybe I’m a liar.  Maybe my Snaps would be very similar to my twenty something friend.  Maybe they would be of me doing a couple of shots of tequila before throwing on gloves and cleaning up poopapalooza.  Maybe they would just be of me drunk-snuggling my dog on the couch rather than dry humping him to “Sorry” by JB.

But probably not.

I guess sometimes I just hear about single people’s and people without children’s lives and feel like my standard of fun is so completely different now and it makes me feel a little nostalgic.  It makes me feel like I need a weekend off from my life.

Is that a horrible thing to say?

Maybe I should just hate my bestie-in-law for the life she has and continue to be jealous of her movie fest and poutines and steak dinners.  It’s probably a lot easier to misplace my frustration and project my feelings of loserness onto somebody else.  It would be a lot less complicated than trying to organize a babysitter and make a dinner reservation.

Or maybe I could just invite them for dinner and bring the party home.

Compromise is everything, right?


Things That Make Me Want To Punch You In The Face


Maybe I’m an irritable person.  Intolerant even.

Maybe you’re an asshole and I just don’t have time for your shit.  Probably.

In reality, I must actually have the patience of Saint What’s-His-Name because everybody is still alive, nobody has a black eye or a pack of ice on their nuts and I’m sober most of the time.

Here’s a list of my favourite –not favourite things that make me wish I could just randomly punch people in the face.  Kind of like Hulk Smash, but on a smaller scale:

  1. When my children fight over who gets to put the blue bath bomb from Lush in the bag and it deteriorates into a double meltdown of the EPIC kind.  I’m talking down on the ground screaming and kicking their legs fucking Irish paddy.  Times two.  Guess who never got their bath bomb and now has to have a nice Johnson &Johnson No Tears Shampoo bubble bath now? Everybody. Cause I dropped that crap and dragged them both out of there and all the way back to the truck.
  2. When I give each child a candy and tell them to sit on their floor while I finish something up with the clerk in the store.  Then they both hand me a sucked on candy and say it’s yucky. The best part is there is no garbage in the store and said candy is still in my coat pocket, stuck to the inside wool for all eternity.
  3. When you cut me off in traffic and proceed to drive 20km below the speed limit.
  4. Lego hurts, but stepping on Hot Wheels is a real bitch too.  Because it has wheels, so it moves while it impales you and is known to sprain ankles.
  5. Having my period before I get my period.  Because my uterus is a real asshole sometimes.  Except when it was pregnant with Eli.  Then it was the most hospitable environment in the whole world because he wanted to stay inside it forever.
  6. Giving up on my post holiday binge diet because I realized I actually kind of like the way I look and Jesus Christ what is the point of being alive if I can’t eat toast in the morning?
  7. Safeway Wanted 6.99$ for a mini watermelon that was barely larger than a good size grapefruit. Nope.
  8. So help me I love that song “Love Yourself” by Justin Bieber.  That makes me want to punch myself in the face.  And you too.  Mostly you.
  9. People.  All people.  Probably you.
  10. Winter.Snow. Cold. Frozen titties. Frozen fingers.  Frozen toes.  Buuuuuuuut.  No fucking Elsa or Anna.  There’s that.

10 Things That Could Make Me Give Up Sex For A Year

So I was farting around on msn.ca this morning, and came across this lovely short article about how a large amount of women would give up sex for a year if it increased their well-being.

And I thought, how is this news?  What kind of researcher would make this, of all things, the focus of their research?  Why didn’t they make it more entertaining?

Because Bitches, ( and no offense Husband) I can almost always be bought if the price is right.  And so, here is my top ten things I would give up sex for a year for:

1.  A few million bucks.  Hell,  one million bucks.  Dollars, that is. Nothing with antlers.

2.  Lifetime unlimited supply of alcohol.  Duh.  One year of celibacy versus a lifetime of free tequila drunk sex?  Giddy up.

3.  A dragon that doesn’t eat goats. (no I’m still not over it…see yesterday’s post.)

4. A potty training magic fairy.

5. A temper tantrum fixing/prevention/diffusing magic fairy.

6. A law against stupidity and assholery among the general public.

7. A full nights sleep where I wake up when I’m not tired any more.  ( See you in 2015)

8. Ok.  I’ll settle for a nap.

9.  Somebody, anybody who will take away Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber and make them stop being a thing.

10.  Just one more Buddy. One more….. as long as # 4 and 5.


How about you, Bitches?  What would convince YOU to give up sex for a year?

A Post About Nothing: Gratitude Edition



I couldn’t decide what to write about.  This week is madness and I don’t have a lot of time today.  I am literally going to finish my coffee and then be lucky if my feet may see the couch again around 10 tonight.  I will likely be living somewhere in between my teacher’s house and my piano bench from now until Saturday night in every spare moment that I am not teaching.  Thank God Husband is off these next few days.

I was going to talk about what an asshole Justin Bieber has become, but I’m too tired to fight with all the teenage girls in the world.

Then I had a super interesting and thoughtful post that I came up with in the middle of the night while Destroyer was busy fucking around for about an hour and half last night.  She wanted to hang out with the dog and wouldn’t go back to sleep.  I just can’t remember what it is now.  It got lost in a sea of German lyrics that are taking up most of the space in my brain right now.

Then I considered talking about the fact that I finally had enough sense to start eating some vegetables.  My time in the bathroom has been soooo much more productive.  But then I thought, nah, TMI.  Right?

So.  Now that I’ve spent some time writing a post about absolutely nothing, I’ll give you the message of the day.

Take the time to be grateful.  Take the time to show that gratitude to the people who are good to you.  When life gets crazy and it’s bound to sometimes, there are people in your life who make it all come out okay at the end of the day.

For me, I have to remember to be grateful to Husband, who puts up with a lot of shit every year in March, and all the time during the school year.  There are constantly people in our home.  Most of them have been with me a very long time and we consider them friends by now.  But still.  His space is always invaded and I am grateful he is so tolerant.

For a beautiful and engaging child.  For a growing belly!

I am grateful that we have so much support from family, who ask for nothing in return.  Who never dictate, and always listen.

I am grateful for the people who love my daughter like their own.  You know who you are.  I am grateful she will have a safe place to go to when she gets pissed off at me later on and runs away for the first time, because I’m pretty sure I know the first place she’ll go.  I am grateful that these people direct me well and remind me to enjoy the simple moments in life.  The important stuff that can’t ever be bought.

For good friends.

And seriously, for Dairy Queen.  Buy one get Blizzard get one for .99$?  I can hear the angels singing!

I know it’s not Thanksgiving or anything, but we should be grateful every day.  It could have been a really helpful clerk at a grocery store, or a friendly server who took the time to chat with you over lunch.  Maybe someone found your lost wallet and returned it intact.

Take a second to include a little bit of gratitude in your life everyday.  You’ll always find some reason for it, even on the shittiest days, I promise.

And you know what?  When you try to find the good in everything, the bad becomes way less obvious.

It’s all about perspective!

Happy Thursday, kids!

The Millennial Pastor

An iPhone Pastor for a Typewriter Church


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