Are People Shitty, Or Just Afraid? Does It Even Matter?

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I’ve been sitting here for several days, between trying to get work accomplished, continuing to educate my beautiful students, and being the parent that my children need.  Notice that I didn’t say “homeschool” my children, because I am not.  I do plenty of activities with them, play music and read and try to continue to enrich their lives as if we are just on an extended school break.  They are young, they will come out of this with fond memories of a time we slowed down enough to focus on each other, at least I hope so.

In between all of that, I have been purposefully changing my social media presence to simply include a brief account of what our lives are looking like during this piece of historical significance. I have also started purposefully avoiding getting into any more conversations about this pandemic, or the measures being taken, or the possible cures or anything politically related.

If there is one thing I enjoy under normal circumstances, it is a good debate or impassioned conversation with opposing viewpoints or opinions where two people can look at an issue from two very different sides and learn from one another and grow as humans.  I think that difficult conversations are important to be able to understand that there is not one thing in this world that is entirely black or white, and that almost always we all deserve a seat at the table.

These are not normal circumstances.  And I am no longer enjoying the debate.  In fact, at best some of these conversations are making me really sad, and at worst I am absolutely horrified and disappointed in some of the people that I know and love dearly and the things they are either saying or virtually applauding.

Look, I get it. This whole situation blows. Try being a fucking musician in times like these and see how worried you are about your employment prospects for the near future.  Other industries are on hold right now.  Everyone is anxious and exhausted and 100% not in control and that produces a fear response that a lot of times makes people do and say hurtful things.

For the record, COVID 19 is a super shit thing that the entire world is having to go through headfirst, blind, and pretty much with flailing arms.  We don’t have a radar screen to navigate by here, so most reasonable leaders are trying to use lessons from history to determine how best to sail through this storm.   It’s going to be messy, and imperfect, and expensive.  There will be much economic fall out from this and we are all going to have sacrifices to make.  

Ironically, people who have less are the ones who seem to be the most understanding of this.  The ones who have the most are so used to getting their own way and having access to all of their entitlements that they can’t fathom sacrificing one thing from their hoard of capitalistic treasures in order to create widespread benefit for the health and welfare of everyone else.  And really, this is what this pandemic is showing me.  That many of us are so selfish and tied to material things that we are willing to “sacrifice one old granny” rather than sit tight and ride out this storm with grace.

I’ve read the conspiracy theories and they are annoying, not fact based, and scientifically inaccurate.  People want to push through experimental treatments with total disregard for human safety.  They think it’s fine to just let hundreds of thousands of people die and allow millions suffer because it’s “less than 1% of the population” so far. They keep talking  about how the numbers are so low and we are all fools hell bent on their economic ruin.  Talking about how our children will have to pay the price for this.

I don’t know for sure, but I feel quite strongly that these are merely excuses because they are tired of being inconvenienced. They are worried about their current lifestyles being permanently affected. And in response to that fear,  some people have a put a price tag on the lives of the vulnerable and the elderly and poor. There is a line drawn in the sand about what has value and what does not, and there are so many people that I thought I knew who are on the wrong side of that line.

COVID 19 is not a socialist plot to fuck you over.  The financial aid being given out is not an irresponsible and frivolous act that will be the downfall of the country or world.  It is a much needed rainfall in an out of control blaze of fuckery and flame.

By the way, in 1918, communities that completely shut down in response to the pandemic social distancing recommendations had better economic outcomes and faster, steeper recoveries than the communities who ignored them.

I could go on and on in order to rebuke every ignorant and cruel comment I have seen lately but am I exhausted by the seemingly never ending dialogue of selfish, misinformed people who are slaves too busy worshiping their green paper gods to have any sense of what is right and good.  I am sure I will have to continue to bite my tongue and ignore this continued dickery once I post this article as I get bombarded with more hate messages and hurtful comments.

When this lockdown first started, I had a lot of hope.  Not hope that it would be quickly resolved, but hope that we would all be able to value this “Grand Pause” in our lives and see the meaningful things we are blessed with and for the first time in a long time, really appreciate them.  I thought that parents would see this as an opportunity to reconnect with their kids, and families to actually eat dinner together again and realize that the hamster wheel we’ve all been on for so long maybe was spinning beyond our control. I hoped that we would once again start to be able to distinguish the difference between want and need and realize that simpler lives may, well, simplify our existence.  Love, connection, health, peace….I thought those things might re-emerge.

And don’t get me wrong, there is a lot of beautiful people out there doing beautiful things,  among them the artists and young people and communities working together to support one another and brighten our days and reach out to help where needed.

But for many others…..there is an ugliness that is probably being inspired by fear and lack of control that is making them search for someone to be angry at, or an enemy to fight, or some other reason why none of this can be really happening. And I just don’t personally know what to do about that.  Probably nothing but just feel sad about it.

Anyway, Bitches, Stay well, stay safe.  Hold the fucking line.  See you all on the other side.

 

A note about Sarah Fischer, feminism and gender parity

“Imagine being a woman in Trudeau’s cabinet and not knowing if it was merit or gender that got you there”

Oh Boy.

Sarah Fischer, the Director of Communications for the Conservative Party of Canada tweeted this the other day. After US President Joe Biden had to embarrass the Conservative members of parliament to stand in recognition of a representative Cabinet in both countries.

Think about that for a second or two.

Done? Let’s unpack.

Women do a real disservice to themselves and all of us with comments like this. Now, some, including Fischer herself would argue that she is saying women don’t need parity measures to be able have actual representation in government or other positions of power. And the truth is, she is simply just wrong about that.

Politics, high level executives, board appointments, public service and medicine are just a few examples where women remain underrepresented. Ensuring that we have gender parity and equal representation is important to setting a new standard where women don’t have to work twice as hard to achieve half as much. Whether Fischer or the Conservative party want to acknowledge that is really irrelevant.

But beyond that, why is this statement, by a woman nonetheless, so utterly infuriating and fucking disappointing?

In my experience some women have this really bad habit of feeling like they need to make others small so that they can stand tall. It’s almost like we are so used to fighting like hell to be recognized as equals for everything that instead of empowering and supporting one another we often tend to minimize other women so that we can shine. It’s ludicrous. Fischer has an opportunity, a platform, and a fucking obligation to pump up other women for their achievements, but instead chose to feed into the misogynistic narrative that causes women to question their value or right to be there.

Keep in mind that this conversation would not even be occurring with men. Not in the same context.

The reality is that despite being equally qualified to do the work they were elected to do, or educated to do outside of politics, workplaces have so many systemic barriers that make it more difficult for women to move in to roles they deserve and should be in. Social norms of women being primary caregivers for children or ageing parents make it challenging for us to network in the same manner men are able to. The removal of those types of barriers and the intentional creation of opportunities that allow women to succeed is not grounds for them to question their merit- it is supporting them through equitable practices that promote a level playing field and equally representative democracy and workforce.

When we have women in public office or appointments that make statements like the one from Fischer, it sets us back. It allows men to retain power by having women continue to question their merit or right to be in their roles. It says to little girls and young women the they just have to continue to sacrifice and fight harder than most, rather than the system having to change. It makes it feel reasonable to continue to pay women less than their male counterparts. It perpetuates the idea that women can only hold positions of high responsibility because they are meeting some quota.

On top of all this, the Conservative Party has 94 male MPs, and only 21 female MPs. Is Fischer and her party trying to say that in the entire candidate pool, the Conservative party was unable to find a more gender diverse list of candidates? That there just simply aren’t an equal number of women with merit to fill those roles, as Fischer’s tweet implies? Compare that to the Liberal party who has 97 male MPs and 57 female MPs with a Cabinet achievig gender parity. Not perfect, but definitely making progress. And yes, those numbers reflect on the party’s decisions to find, nominate and support female candidates. They are out there, I promise you- but it takes a commitment to change the culture of the organization to ensure that equal representation is supported and achieved.

So let me be clear to Sarah. The woman I think that needs to wonder about how she got her job here is HER. The fact that she is the Director of Communications for a federal party and can’t see how this statement poorly reflects on herself, her party and women everywhere should have us questioning her judgement and ability to do her job effectively.

About the Shitshow That Is Healthcare in Manitoba….

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This province is a mess. An absolute fucking nightmare of a shitstorm that caters to the privileged while allowing people without advocacy to flounder and die. We’ve seen the news stories: our entire healthcare system is struggling,fuelled not only by the outright denial of crisis by our elected “representatives” but by the astonishing ignorance of those in the general population that are so utterly against being mildly inconvenienced that they can’t see the forest for a single goddamn spruce tree.

Being a caregiver in Manitoba is an exhausting and life ruling job if you have any chance at all of keeping your loved one alive, or hope to secure the care they need either in or out of the hospital. I am not even talking about the crisis taking over pediatric care- because that is a WHOLE other post.

It took six months for my mother in law to get a diagnosis of cancer. SIX fucking months of useless physiotherapy for “arthritis” that showed no signs of improvement and steady progression of symptoms. Once the initial general diagnosis was made, it took another 6 weeks to determine the primary site and full extent of her disease burden. Now maybe that’s normal and maybe that’s not, but that is not the worst of it.

Once it was determined that her cancer was too far gone to treat surgically or with radiation, she was then placed on a fucking waiting list for a medical oncologist. Read that again. Cancer Care has a waiting list in Manitoba. During this time, she had no resources within the system to help manage her care. We were not offered help to care for her at home while her mobility and condition rapidly declined. We relied on her primary care clinic to prescribe pain management based on my assessment of her condition as she was quickly not capable to be transported to an office. My 8 and 10 year old children watched as their Grandma quickly began dying in our home. I was told we could only have the support we needed from a palliative team if she signed a DNR- despite the fact that she hadn’t even been properly evaluated or examined by a care team to determine if she was palliative or had treatment options.

Weeks later while still waiting for a doctor, she suffered a bowel perforation with septic shock and endured emergency surgery. Miraculously, she survived. Within days they began to talk of dishcharge until I realized they had no idea of the burden of her disease, because she had not been receiving care, and this is where the battles intensified.

I met with the surgical team, who were very responsive to our situation and they agreed to ask for a consult from medical oncology- which meant that she was able to finally get a doctor. Once we had access to the necessary specialist, it was determined that a targeted therapy was indicated and her recovery could begin. Throughout the 4.5 month hospital stay, I had to fight almost daily to ensure proper care was being given. We had to fight to be able to visit. We had to fight to have back up family members be allowed to visit to give us a break and allow for the care of our children while also caring for her. I had to review her chart daily to catch mistakes and omissions. Infections were missed due to bad record keeping and nurses took offense at our thoroughness. There was constant pressure to speed up discharge into our care, which we were not equipped or capable to take on. Emergent and timely procedures were delayed due to lack of resources. Therapy was inconsistent due to staff shortages. The food was almost inedible.

Finding supportive housing was easy- as long as we were able and willing to pay for it. Non-profit assisted living facilities are either absolute shitholes or not accessible for 12 -18 months- or both. Homecare pushed for the family to take on the ongoing medical care she would require, or suggested we hire private nursing or extra services form her facility, something we are not in a financial position to do. They don’t always show up. She was discharge on September 30, and today, on November 20 they still have not allocated staff for some to help her shower, leading to her third infection since discharge.

The substandard care and the holes in services are 100% systemic in nature. Every single fucking one of these health care providers are working their asses off, taking the heat for a system that is broken and a provincial leadership team that have no real clear answers and a bunch of really frustrating talking points. The bottom line is that the “investments” being made in healthcare in this province feel more about streamlining services to keep up with an austerity agenda rather than actually expanding capacity. Because it doesn’t matter how many fucking hospitals you build in conservative leaning communities- we simply do NOT have the human resources to provide the services that are in demand in Manitoba.

Do you know what would have happened to my loved one if we had not done everything short of lighting the building on fire to beg for help? She would have died. Today, in 2022, in CANADA, if you don’t have strong and aggressive advocacy, you die. That’s where things are at. But good thing Heather made time to go to the fucking Grey cup this weekend. I mean, holy fucking SHIT what would we do without her?

So what do I think are things that can actually help improve things, based on my experience in the last 12 months?

1. Expansion of the primary care system, including mandating that clinics have expanded hours past 6:00pm. Make sure those clinics have the capabilities to stitch, hang IV’s, cast,ultrasound/or xray, and SOMETHING besides write a referral or a prescription. Everyone ends up in the ER, because there is literally nowhere else to go for care.
2. Expand services for virtual physician appointments. So many things require simply a conversation with our doctors ,rather than in person visits.
3. Expansion of diagnostic services, and evaluate current standard practices. The later a patient is diagnosed the more are they require and the more expensive that care is. More diagnostic services, staff, equipment and training programs. Nobody should be waiting 12 months to even get an appointment for anything.
4. Stop talking about privatization. All it is doing is poaching staff from an already struggling system, and creating a situation where your socio-economic situation determines the quality of your care. Tommy Douglas is pirouetting in his fucking grave. And I don’t want to hear how it “frees up a spot in the queue” because that means the poor guy goes from number 78 to 77 on the list and the rich twat gets to be number one. Fuck that shit.
5. Expand Long Term Care. Build more facilities. There are a lot of folks in hospital simply because they don’t have anywhere to go to be cared for.
6. Accept the terms of the Federal Transfers. If you have nothing to hide, why is accounting for your expenditures a problem? Each province has unique needs- sure- but you can report on those and support you spending of funding citing those community needs if you don’t have you head shoved up each other’s asses.

The best case scenario is that our provincial government are a bunch of arrogant fools who simply have no idea what they are doing. Clinging to the false hope of trickle down economics that basically just butt fucks the poor guy while making the rich ones feel better about themselves. The worst case scenario is that our provincial government is purposely sabotaging the system as an excuse to invest in private health care which lines the pockets of their fellow dick sucking thieves while people needlessly suffer and die. With shit eating grins on their faces and while screaming about how much they do for all of us.

Give me a fucking break already. I’ve seen exactly what is happening, and if you aren’t worried, you bloody well should be. Just don’t get sick in the meantime unless you’ve got all your affairs in order.

Fuck your reasons for having an abortion

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In the wake of the astonishing news of the US Supreme Cult Court overturning the Roe V Wade ruling from 1973, I feel like I can hear the air getting sucked out of people’s homes and the unison echo of our collective jaws dropping to the ground.

First and foremost, I’d like to offer a giant fuck you and choke on shit for eternity to the folks who orchestrated this, and perhaps a less enthusiastic and more confused what the actual fuck to anybody who thinks this is a great idea.

As I’ve been reading the discourse on various platforms I keep coming across all of the justifications we have for requiring access to abortions. Women sharing heart wrenching stories about wanted babies that were not compatible with life and slowly dying in their wombs. Women being diagnosed with cancer during pregnancy and having to chose between themselves and their unborn child. Young girls who are raped or molested by family members or abused by boyfriends or parents. Tragic stories about trauma and poverty.

You know what though? Fuck that shit. Fuck it all. Nobody that you are talking to is even listening. Your reasons for having an abortion are moot. The people you are trying to educate about abortion being a very necessary part of women’s healthcare don’t give a single flying fuck about you. You are nothing to them. They are so fucking focused on the clump of cells or fetus or almost baked child inside you that you have ceased to exist as a human being. You are an incubator of a baby. They don’t care if you die.

The folks who made this law want to potentially prosecute you for not living up to to your job: to birth the baby. Miscarriage, fetal death, injury or defect could now be subject to investigation. Your medical information could be viewed as a crime. No arguments are based in science, medicine or fact. This is fanatical batshit territory where nothing makes sense. Using science and facts just makes them scream louder about how the babies are being murdered. Save your energy.

Because really, YOU DON”T NEED A REASON.

You don’t need to have suffered a trauma, been raped, almost died, been abused, conceived a child not able to live outside the womb, or any of it. Your body is capable of creating life, but it is not required to do so. I don’t care what the Torah or the Bible or the Koran say. If that isn’t your Book, it isn’t your problem.

Women have been so conditioned to justify themselves for every single thing in life. When we say no, there has to be a million reasons why it’s ok to say no. But really, the only reason is because you fucking say so.

No is a complete sentence.

Do want to continue this pregnancy? NO.

Do you want have a baby? NO.

Do you want to be a mother? NO.

It has to be that simple. Because as soon as we start arguing, or engage in conversations with these fucking assholes, they come at you and try to pick apart your “reasons” or offer you empty “solutions” or counterpoint everything you try to say.

What’s the response to “NO”?

So fuck your reasons for having an abortion. They aren’t anyone’s business, stop making it their business. If nobody is allowed to stick their dick or a needle or a popsicle in you after you say no, than nobody should be allowed to stick a baby in you and carry it around either.

No means no applies to your body every time, whether there is a potential human growing in there or not.

F*ck your toilet googling and f*ck your latest conspiracy theories too

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I don’t know exactly what set me off this morning, but it was probably Twitter and its never ending shit flow of absolute fucking idiocy. If I had to pinpoint it, it would be the idea that the latest reports of monkeypox is in fact a new cover-up by Bill Gates or the Elites, that in reality is actually cases of shingles caused by the Covid vaccine. All orchestrated so they can give every one a smallpox vaccine- which by the way most people over the age of 45 have already fucking had.

I can’t even keep up with this moronic bullshit anymore. I just can’t.

I’m just gonna go ahead and say this horrible thing and get it out of the way: If you are so fucking convinced that the government’s primary objective is to vaccinate the fuck out of people to make “Big Pharma” and/or Bill Gates richer so they can continue to run global pedophile rings and kill fetuses while transporting children in wardrobes via online stores, ultimately getting rid of white people and eliminating superior blood lines and violating your rights and making Jesus cry.…..kindly just fuck all the way off. Do not pass Go. Do not collect 200 dollars.

Do the rest of us a favour and just step away from society. I mean, it’s all being controlled anyway, right? How can you possibly trust any of the services provided by society? No more accessing all the resources provided by said governments. No more financial benefits, child tax credits or complaining about government spending, because it won’t affect you. No more banking or mortgages, no more compound interest on your real estate investments or stocks. No more pensions or CPP.

Go ahead. Grow your own food. Provide your own medical care, education and services. Cut your own roads with a goddamn machete and build your own fucking house. Take care of your elderly parents without support. Stay home with your children because you won’t be needing subsidized child care anymore- they are just trying to indoctrinate your children anyway.

But mostly, do us all a favour and get off the toilet and for God’s sake get off of Google and stop pretending that you know a fucking thing about anything. I know how smart and good your degree in Toilet Googling makes you feel, but never, ever EVER has the gap between formally educated people and obviously uneducated people been so apparent.

People literally go to school for like 18 years to learn HOW to do research. And then they practice it for a million more years until they know what they are fucking talking about. Even THEN, they are usually an expert in one very specific field.

I’m not going to get into the specifics of monkey pox versus smallpox versus shingles or their taxonomy or clinical presentations or any of that. Because the information I have access to is limited and that is further limited by my lack of training or experience in that specific field, despite my ability to read things on the internet while taking a shit.

Does anyone else remember a time when we didn’t have the internet and none of this fucking bullshit existed? We stayed in our lanes and didn’t pretend that everyone was out to get us all the time? We recognized what actual expertise is- the long term practice of a specific field or topic that is further characterized by being mentored by people who know more than us and taking their advice and experimenting a little bit and putting in the time and effort to be really, really good at something.

Sure,we had hobbies and practiced those too. But we checked our fucking arrogance at the door and showed some respect for higher education.

FURTHERMORE:

If you didn’t get vaccinated for Covid, WHY DO YOU EVEN FUCKING CARE? If these cases of monkey pox are actually just shingles caused by the Covid vaccine, you’re safe, right? You get the last laugh, right? YOU WERE RIGHT ALL ALONG!

This insanity has to just stop.

Rosemary was her favourite herb

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Celebrating holidays without important people in your life is a tough thing. This is the fourth Easter that has come along since losing my mom in 2019 and if I am being really honest, I only really remember one other of them. Oddly enough it was the 2020 holiday that sticks out in my mind because we were in full lockdown, unsure of what the future held due to a new pathogen circulating the globe. I remember it because I spent the afternoon walking through the urban forest with my dad, a rare time we’ve spent alone just chatting about nothing much of consequence that I wish was much more frequent.

Easter for us Christians is supposed to be a time of rejoicing and reflecting. We are celebrating an omnipotous love that is rooted is ultimate sacrifice. Someone who supposedly died for us so that we might not have to suffer. Someone willing to endure great pain and sadness in our stead. Someone who loved us more than we deserved and more than we will ever truly understand.

For some Easter is simply a secular holiday where we get an extra break from work and celebrate family with goodies and treats and laughter.

Either way, I sometimes wonder if we are worthy of any of it. Over the past few years, I have seen people claiming to have the deepest understanding of their faith and acting as if they know the rules and the advice and the love of God better than most. They study and go to big churches and tithe and toss their beliefs in your face every chance they get. They accumulate wealth but begrudge anyone asking for help. They are unwilling to make any sacrifice of their own interests or desires for their fellow human, putting themselves above everything else. How are we so good at constantly failing each other? How easy it is to forget what started it all- a love beyond all comprehension that serves as the example of the lives we are to lead.

And so today, I think about my dear mum, who suffered so horribly with chronic pain and trauma for so long and how even so she tried incredibly hard to make this world a better place for everyone around her. I think about how she deflected her pain by diffusing the pain of others. She fed and clothed people. She made them feel special. She never let anyone feel lonely. She helped anyone who asked her. She loved all creatures great and small and showed compassion to every living thing. I mean sometimes she was so fucking crazy bu she truly exemplified the idea that faith without works doesn’t count. You can quote a million Bible passages but if you don’t sincerely act on them, what is the point?

This week I remembered her and her exemplary faith with little acts. I took in a sad dog even thought we don’t really have time, money or space for her. I invited an older gentleman to move ahead of me in a very long line as he struggled with his cane. I chatted with a lonely stranger. I mended fences with someone because we all deserve second chances.

And today, while getting ready for a holiday dinner tonight, I couldn’t find any dill for a glaze. But underneath something else, I found a bunch of dried rosemary in the fridge. My mom fucking loved rosemary. It was her favourite herb.

It’s stupid, but I felt her with me just then. It made me miss her, but it also made her feel closer.It reminded me that we can be better and do better with little things. That is what love is.

Alleluia, He is Risen.

I don’t need a special section in the store or a zebra print just because I like food and beer

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I’ve written here and there about my unhealthy relationship with food and body image. It has taken me a really, really long time to convince myself that I am lovable, sexy, worthy, and beautiful as much at a size 16 as I am at a size 8. And over the years, my body has fluctuated significantly, although it seems to be the most happy and stable around a 12-14, with a good balance between fitness, overall health, and eating intuitively while not depriving or restricting myself.

I have to admit though, that despite mostly being ok with what I see in the mirror, the world fucking triggers me a whole lot. Despite efforts by some major retailers to just make clothes and offer them to women of all shapes and sizes (thank you Old Navy), allowing women to make their own choices about what they fell good putting on their body, there is still this common separation in most clothing stores between “regular” sizing and “plus” sizing.

I can’t even begin to describe how much this gets on my tits. What the actual fuck is the point of that? Why do we have to make this distinction where you have to cross the aisle because your ass isn’t quite aerobicized enough to fit into those pants in the “normal” section? Why do we need to make a big deal out of this and imply that there are acceptable body types and unacceptable body types? Why do we have to make it a thing?

And by the fucking way, just because someone is shaped differently or is physically larger than another human, it doesn’t mean they want to wear nothing but loud, horrid prints that look like someone was birthed by a lava lamp on mushrooms. Like fuck, ample girls like solid colours and stripes too you fucking assholes.

It just feels like a walk of shame to go to that small section in the back, full of shirts that were made from grandma’s curtains or unflattering elasticized materials, and the assumption that anyone with an ass needs to cover it with a goddamn skirt for a bathing suit bottom. Why can’t all women wear the same leggings or jeans or dresses, they literally just increase the measurements for each size? Stop making this some ridiculous division that after a certain waist measurement you need special consideration. Some girls just need you to make the pants in their fucking size.

Now as someone who rides a very fine line between “normal” and “plus”- I am small, but round, tight but with enough jiggle to drive most of you fucking wild– I don’t need to worry that somehow my fine self isn’t as normal as a tall lanky amazon. That is just plain dumb. There are different body types and sizes because people simply store energy (fat) differently and some metabolisms burn that shit off easier than others. Some people like to eat stuff. Some people like to move more. Some people would rather read a book and drink a margarita on Sundays than go for a long run in the park. SOME OF US like both but don’t want to feel guilty about either choice.

All I’m saying is that people need to stop caring about the size of other people’s bodies and making decisions about clothing or anything else for them. Make clothes accessible for everyone. Continue to use models with real bodies to promote self acceptance and provide young people with reasonable pictures of what adult bodies look like. Allow us to feel good when we are in a store, not embarrassed because of what aisle we shop in.

And Jesus FUCK stop with the ugly prints. We don’t need to hide behind anything, and we don’t need to look like an acid flashback.

Where do we go from here?

On March 15, Manitoba will follow countless countries and other jurisdictions and remove the last of any public health restrictions that have been in place on and off over the last two years. Everything will now be about personal risk tolerance and choice. There are no more rules, only recommendations. (hint hint freedom trucker fuckers, time to pack in your upside down flags)

Personally, I feel really conflicted about it. I am exhausted by all the back and forth on public health orders and the inability to plan anything with any certainty. I am exhausted by all the debating and double checking of rules and worrying about germs. I am exhausted by the disappointment I have felt in so many people and circumstances over the last two years. This part of me welcomes the return to normal life, even if deep down it feels like so many things are being swept under the rug while the elephant stays firmly planted in his spot in the corner of the room.

We aren’t privy to all of the factors that go into decision making, and while that feels like a deliberate lack of transparency, giving us laymen full access to data we don’t understand and don’t have the skills or education necessary to interpret appropriately, or to even know which questions need to be asked has proved to be a very dangerous thing.

My biggest concerns surround the lack of healthcare resources for anything that isn’t Covid related and the still unknown long term effects of having contracted the virus. Pushing our province into an endemic stage when I’m not sure we really are there (and who knows because all meaningful data collection methods have all but ceased) feels very risky considering the state of our health care system. We are one task force away form an utter disaster of further crisis due to delayed procedures and diagnostics.

All of that aside, where the fuck do we go from here? I am not talking politically or systemically, because that has been a total clusterfuck of idiocy and polarizing bullshit in Manitoba and everywhere else. I am talking about our relationships with others.

I don’t know about you, but living through a pandemic has changed me. It has caused me to re-evaluate many relationships and a lot of them have suffered. Some of them severed completely, fucked beyond all repair. Maybe they were selfish fucking assholes. Maybe I was a hysterical overthinking freak. Maybe we were all just enduring a traumatic experience and clung to different things. I don’t know. But I do know that it has made me way less tolerant of some behaviours and I have made conscious decisions about who I will expend my emotional energy on and who I will not.

So what do we do now?

Do we go about trying to fix things that were broken? Do we try and repair our lives and move forward as if nothing has happened? Do I re-kindle friendships with people who I ethically or morally disagree with?

In a lot of cases that is a hard fucking no for me. It doesn’t mean that people can’t have different opinions. It doesn’t mean that we can’t believe there are different solutions or approaches to the same problems. It doesn’t even mean that our politics have to agree for us to be friends. Dialogue and discourse are normal and needed. I just can’t spend all of my energy trying to convince someone to be a nice human who sometimes puts the welfare of others before themselves. I can’t pull you out of rabbit holes and I certainly will not follow you into them. I won’t have a conversation with you if you are trying to decree if others have a right to exist because of their race, gender,or sexual orientation. There are a lot of circumstances that will begin and end with a “kindly fuck off” and I feel pretty ok about that. I won’t tolerate your bullshit anymore than you should tolerate mine.

So, for me, there are things worth fighting for and things that are not. If I have learned anything over the last two years; energy, both physical and emotional is finite. If I worked with you 10 years ago and haven’t had an in person conversation since and you are spewing idiotic crap on social media that bothers me, I am letting you go. If I have an actual relationships with you and disagree on some things, I will be sensitive to your opinions, but will set firm boundaries. If your risk tolerance to some activities are lower than mine I will respect them and I will hope that you will respect mine as well.

We all have decisions to make and behaviours to choose. I think the next year or so is going to also be difficult, because so much of this is not over no matter what a governing body decides.

A big part of me feels like everything is just fucked forever. There is so much damage to everything and everyone. I can’t decide if the world is repairable or not, and I don’t have any clue where to start if it is.

We are all so broken. Where do we go from here?

Seriously, F*ck Trudeau.

This morning I got up and it happened. After 4 months of tyrannical snow fall and and our 999th blizzard of the month, I couldn’t open the fucking door to let the dogs out. After much pushing and clearing a little snow from underneath I managed to open it a crack just enough for the wieners and the hound to squeeze through and go for a piss.

This is a slippery slope, I mean- sorta-literally. I am basically a prisoner in my house . My freedom is lost. My dogs can’t take a shit and I will slowly starve to death. My children will have no future. Next the internet will go down or my phone and without the ability to practice escapism through bad YA vampire romances and getting to the next level of ZooCraft I fear for our mental health. Didn’t you read all those studies by that doctor on YouTube? The ones about mental health and freedom and snow?

Seriously, F*ck Trudeau. I mean, erecting all those 5G towers so he can influence weather patterns in order to invoke Snomaggeddon and hold us all to his dictatorial pleasures. Making me a prisoner in my own home? Expecting me to use the front door instead of the back door or face this imprisonment? Forcing me to exit my home via the driveway or stay inside? Coercion is NOT a choice.

Don’t even get on me about shovelling. That isn’t how democracies work. I don’t care how much snow falls, it is too inconvenient to have to shovel when I can just walk through it or wait for it to pass. I mean, my sister’s husband’s kid’s cousin twice removed by marriage pulled a muscle while shovelling. And did you hear about Dan? His dad had a heart attack in 1983 and they suspect it was related to shovelling. Fuck that. I am in no way going to clear that snow either. I shovelled once and it will just come back anyway and it doesn’t prevent it from snowing again. Fucking Trudeau. He is probably in on this with China. Importing the fucking snow from China so we can all just become slaves in his plan to reset weather patterns forever. If you support shovelling you are a fucking sheep. Freedom!

Don’t even get me fucking started on the ban on snowmobiles within the city. Those are OUR machines. We paid for them with our hard earned money and should be allowed to drive them wherever the fuck we want. I don’t give a fuck if you are worried that driving them at 160 km/hr in the city poses a threat to your kids. Statistics show that only 1% of children have ever died due to a snowmobile accident. I mean, no one can even prove that traumatic brain injuries were even caused by snowmobiles anyway. They fell and were bleeding but like are they in the ICU because of the TBI or with one? I have my rights you know. The First Amendment says so.

And no, I certainly won’t wear a helmet on the snowmobile, because I am medically exempt from protecting a brain I don’t have. Fuck you for trying to prevent my death. I mean, really. Go fuck yourself.

I say we all jump on our snowmobiles and go to Ottawa and the borders and make sure our voices are heard. We have the right to peacefully protest so bring your bagpipes and your rifles and some flares. If the police ask you to move, grab your kids and get in the way. Line them up along the roads and then make sure to scream about how the police are assaulting women and children because of Fuhrer Trudeau. If there are horses make sure to try and block them with your bodies so that someone can film you getting knocked to the ground and send it to Rebel News. They are just the best. Integrity at it’s finest. Make sure to spit on any journalists who aren’t Rebel News because they are the enemy. Also be mad at them for not covering your story. It makes sense somehow, I promise.

In our protests bring your shovels so our snow wall will be the biggest wall of all time. Bigger than China’s. Longer than the one never finished between the US and Mexico. Hooray for Trump because he also hates snow since he lives in a roach infested pedophile conference centre in Florida. He’s our guy.

And if you aren’t following women home from work threatening to rape them or lighting apartment buildings on fire, is it even a real protest? We gotta make sure everyone hates us enough to convince Trudeau to resign so the Senate or the Governor General can take over and instate someone who hates snow and China and shovelling as much as we do. We cannot live like this under this fascist rule anymore. Real freedom means freedom to choose if you want to shovel or not, without the fear of another storm coming week after week. In fact, it means that we shouldn’t even allow street cleaning anymore. I don’t care if you can’t get to work or get stuck and die on a highway because that hardly ever happens and it means nothing if *I* don’t have my freedom to choose whether the snow is cleared or not. I don’t care if it makes life better for others, because I am willing to die on this hill. Fuck you! Freedom!!

I know if we push citizens and law enforcement to the absolute brink or cry real tears that freeze to our faces they will listen. They will believe us that we are peaceful. They will hang Trudeau like we asked. F*ck that guy. Everything is his fault. We will get our way, because praise Jesus.

Or.

I could have just shovelled the fucking snow on the other side of the back door.

It’s time to go home.

Photo by cottonbro on Pexels.com

I shared a post on my social media earlier this morning that said something about how our reactions to our children’s behaviors have more to do with a our emotional health than with what they are actually doing.

It was a humbling and thought provoking statement that made me pause and reflect on the job I am doing as a mum, especially over the last two years.

When I talk to my friends, colleagues, and other parents, the common theme is that we are not ok. Oh sure, we all put on this brave face and post pictures doing simple things together and talk about some of the positives that have come to be in terms of our family bonds, or learning a new hobby. Honestly, though, I call bullshit.

I am fucking exhausted. I wake up exhausted. I go through the motions of the day exhausted, I go to bed exhausted. I get up in the morning dreaming about the end of the day when I have completed all the things that need doing that day and I can mindlessly play some stupid game on my phone while I watch old episodes of tv shows I’ve seen a million times. I am so tired and emotionally over everything about the last few years that I can’t even invest enough energy to watch something new.

A lot of things that used to bring me joy suck the life out of me now. It all feels like work, with a few exceptions. I mostly just want to be left alone.

So yes, when I am reacting to less than desirable behaviors that my children are displaying, it has wayyyyyyy more to do with my lack of emotional capacity than it has to do with them bickering about video game controllers or who ate the last cookie. It has almost everything to do with me.

I try very hard to have enough self awareness and honesty about where I’m at to walk away when I feel all of the resentment and anger and frustration about the last two years bubble up and get directed at the people who are the very least responsible for any of it. The fact that they haven’t done their chores for the third day in a row without being nagged is something worth a loss of privilege or consequence somewhere, but lately it feels a lot heavier than it really should.

I actually understand and empathize in some ways with all the fucking people at the borders driving around with their upside down flags and misspelled signs and toothless grins. I am tired of feeling like I don’t have any control over what happens in my life too. I am tired of not knowing what will happen next and have to make adjustments and not being able to plan anything either personally or professionally. If I ever hear the fucking word “pivot” again it will be way too soon. I get it- you are TIRED too.

But like the sentiment I shared this morning about our reactions to our children- this all out temper tantrum that is hurting the people who have the LEAST to do with any of it- the reaction we are seeing in our country is more indicative of our emotional well being than it is about what we’re currently pissed off about.

I guess the difference is that when it comes to having a negative reaction with my children, I love them enough to try and be better next time. I understand that while they are doing things that I don’t not like, the only real control I have is how I react to them, despite every justification I may have for reacting poorly. I choose to do better, because that is what’s best for them, but it is also what is best for me.

We as adults need to learn how to have enough love and tolerance for others to understand where and how to direct our frustrations, and reasonable ways to advocate for change. Just like screaming at my children won’t change all of the factors that have contributed to my exhaustion or make any of it better in the long term, tormenting people who don’t have any say in policies and rules is not going to help in the long run.

It’s time for people to go home. Work on restoring your emotional capacities on a personal level. Rest. Learn patience. Choose love. It will all be ok again if we just fucking let it.

Time to stand up, silent majority

Photo by Kelly L on Pexels.com

If you do a quick search, it is really easy to find references and links between pandemics and extreme beliefs of all kind. Religious fundamentalism, apocalyptic thoughts, political fallout. Plagues incite fear. And as Yoda always said ” fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, and hate leads to suffering”

Forgive the Star Wars reference, because it is cheesy as a pair of sweaty tits on a hot day, but that doesn’t make it wrong. Everything that is going on in our country and around the world is displaying this quote in real time.

In 1919, after the worst of the Spanish Flu had killed something like 287,000 Germans, a small group of unemployed soldiers formed the Nazi party. Adolf Hitler was the 55th member to register in this political party, and over the next 14 years, he used all platforms- even the courtroom at his trial for high treason to spew propaganda until the Nazi party rose to power in the years leading up to WWII. By 1932 they had 37% of the vote. They were not the majority, but they were loud. There was daily violence in the streets. And they got away with it, because the majority of people just didn’t do anything to stop it. They didn’t know where to start.

Fast forward to today. The parallels do not go unnoticed.

As we saw in 1919, 100 years later we are living political discourse that is been fuelled by people’s fear of the unknown. Plague. Economic crisis. Failure of current systems. Clear lack of control by leaders. Use of media or other platforms to propogate political agendas. And maybe less obviously- using what started as the legitimate concerns of a few to try and force change for all that would only benefit the few.

I personally have been feeling increasingly anxious about what I am seeing. We are currently observing a foreign funded occupation of our capital city. Smaller, less organized branches are spreading throughout the rest of the country, terrorising residents and holding the entire country for ransom. Leadership is non existent and the inaction by the police feels corrupt and hopeless in some cases. The silent majority of us are being gaslit by authorities, reminding us that people have a right to peacefully demonstrate- but the word peaceful clearly has different definitions for tantruming white people than they do for any person of colour.

Like in Germany all those years ago, the extreme ideals of the minority are holding the majority of us by the fucking gonads. They are louder, they are motivated, they are organized. And they clearly have support in high places. It’s recipe for fucking disaster.

The past two years have been awful for most of us. When the first wave hit, as someone working in the arts the fear of losing my livelihood was very real. The possibility of seeing everything I have built over the last 20 years go down the gutter was a horrible feeling. On that level, I can empathize with people out there honestly demonstrating because the restrictions have harmed their ability to provide for their families. They are scared, they are angry- and as anyone who clings to any extreme belief system, they are doing it because they need someone to be angry AT, and something to put their faith IN.

Unfortunately, with their mixed messaging of “love and freedom” and symbols of racism, actions of terror, or signage of violence; their actions are clearly demonstrating that they have progressed past the hate stage. And while their hate may or may not be limited to political leaders (don’t display nooses and the names of political leaders and pretend you have peaceful intentions), it is the rest of us who are suffering.

Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, and hate leads to suffering.

We are in the suffering stage. It is widespread, varying from the residents who live in and around the demonstrations, being tortured by noise and harrassment and abuse to the rest of us feeling powerless to intervene or stop it from growing. Constant bullying of journalists. Concerns for freedom of movement across borders or even within their neighborhoods. Are we to assume that the goal is make life as horrible as possible for the rest of us that WE will ask leaders to make policy changes that satisfy the demands of these dipshits? At some point, the people we democratically elected to advocate for us need to do something to address this. And it doesn’t include olive branches or anything else of that nature. It includes consequences for inexcusable behaviour and breaking the fucking law.

The effects of this situation is wearing on all of us. We are worried that this will go on indefinitely. We are worried that despite doing everything asked of us over the last two years, this angry mob of uneducated fools will get their fucking way and make things a whole lot worse again. I get that they are angry, but I sure as fuck didn’t do anything to them. I don’t love Trudeau, but I sure as fuck love him a lot more than any potential leader who thinks that even one Nazi is tolerable. I get that they are frustrated and want some guarantee that life will at some point return to the “before”, but I sure as fuck understand that it won’t.

So many people have lost our way. I believe there are a minority of individuals who are trying their best to exploit the vulnerabilities of those most affected by this pandemic by offering them a big shiny political win. I believe that these occupations are thinly veiled political theatre and obvious adult temper tantrums by people whose lack of education make them easy targets to be moved around as pawns on the gameboard.

I don’t mean to call people stupid, but don’t fucking act stupid.

My final thought is that what’s good for the goose (HONK FUCKING HONK) is good for the gander. If the right the ‘peacefully protest” is so fucking protected and supported, then I would suggest that every single person out there who thinks this is rank bullshit comes out from behind their keyboard and stands the fuck up like those cyclists in Vancouver. Like those women in Ottawa. All the Indigenous people who were violently removed from protecting their own land, every homeless person forcibly removed from a public park, every person of colour, every woman who had to fight for her reproductive rights, every LGBTQ2+ person who had to fight for the right to exist, every single person who has every had to fight for ACTUAL freedom should assemble and march their asses to their legislative building or downtown or parliament and park themselves like these uninformed conspiracy loving idiots.

I wonder what would happen then? Would the right to protest be supported then? How much noise is too much? Can we bring saunas and cranes and piss on pictures of Candace Bergen? Should we bring our kids? Should we jump into traffic and get run over? WOULD THAT ALL BE OK?

Fuck this fucking fuckery.