At This Time Last Year

by Cookie

I don’t know if you remember, Bitches, but my Buddy tuned one at 1:35 am this morning.

At this time last year, Bestie was at the hospital with an armful of freezies and they had just brought my Buddy back from the NICU.  We were eating frozen sugar sticks for breakfast because hospital food sucks ass and Bestie knows exactly what I need most of the time.  Except last week when she texted me a picture of a giant woodtick.

At this time last year, we were sitting there discussing the size of then tiny Buddy and his giant testicles.  We were convinced it was a baby thing, but the nurse said he actually just had really big balls.  Now, a year later, they seem to have evened out.  So maybe the nurse was wrong, or maybe the rest of him just caught up.

At this time last year, I hadn’t slept in 48 hours.  I was exhausted.  Physically, I could hardly walk.  Emotionally, I was beat.  There is nothing scarier ever than having a nurse take your baby from your breast and rush him to the NICU.

At this time last year, I was reminded of what it felt like to fall in love. I was reminded how things that are hard are always worth it in the end.

At this time last year, I threw away all the things about myself that I thought defined me as a mother.  All of the rules I believed were the only way because they worked with my Destroyer were given up.  I let myself bend to fit the needs of my new baby.  Maybe it took a rough first few days of tests and bloodwork and scary moments to make me realize that the how doesn’t matter.

At this time last year, my heart grew a million times bigger than I thought it could get.

At this time last year, I imagined a year of firsts.  First smiles, first steps, first foods, first words.  I imagined all of the quiet moments with my Buddy and reminded myself not to waste them.  I reminded myself not to be so excited for the next thing that I missed out on the right now.

At this time last year, I cried for my Destroyer, because now she had to share us and I hoped that she would love him.

At this time last year, I finally quit my bitching and held my Buddy for the first few times.

At this time last year, my Buddy’s adventure had begun.

Happy Birthday to my little guy.  I love you, my Buddy-Baby.  More than you will ever know maybe.  I hope your second year brings you as much joy as you have brought us all in your first.