Madonna’s Daughter Has Hairy Armpits

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Omg.

So yesterday, on MSN news, there was an article about Madonna’s daughter, Lourdes looking smashing in a bikini.

Until she has the audacity to flash her unshaven armpits.  I mean, how dare she?   Doesn’t she know that she was being photographed?   Even if the photography was unsolicited, doesn’t she have any self respect?

I mean seriously, how does this fucking bitch live with herself?   How does she sleep at night, knowing what horror she has bestowed upon us, the public who needs to know?   A public who has a fundamental right to know what is going on in the world.

Listen, I get that she was at a beach with her friends, but she is a public figure whether she asked for it or not.   And to blatantly just leave her armpits unshaven for such a long time that we can see it from so far away with a telescopic lens is just not acceptable.   I can’t even believe she did this.

Doesn’t she care about what people think of her?   Doesn’t she care about the example she is leaving for young girls everywhere?   That it is ok for a girl to disrespect her body so much to have hairy armpits and flaunt them in public? HOW DOES SHE GET UP IN THE MORNING?

I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with people today.   Can’t we just live in a reasonable world where people are considerate of others and cover up their offensive body hair?  I can’t even watch the news anymore.  This is absurd.

 

This post brought to you by the most amount of sarcasm a person can hold in their hearts without exploding.

We have children being attacked with chemical weapons, a scary, complicated, no end in sight conflict in the middle east that seems to be escalating by the day.   An idiotic President of the US.  People constantly harming one another.   A divide between rich and poor that continues to get wider and wider.

Humanitarian crisis ALL OVER the world and THIS is the shit that MSN has deemed newsworthy.   Priorities.   Jesus Fuck.

 

 

Stop Ringing My Doorbell, A$$holes Of The Universe

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So I have this sign on our door that say “No Solicitors, Peddlers or Agents”. 

What does that mean to all of you regular people who aren’t assholes?

Does it mean to please ring my doorbell, as long as you aren’t selling me something?  Does it mean that I would certainly like to talk to you about your charitable organization while my dogs and my children are now going beserk in the background after the sound of the doorbell made them think that friends were here to play with them?

Does “No Agents, Peddlers or Solicitors” not apply to you because you want to give me a free Bible and talk to me like I didn’t go to church all my life?

And of course it means that the people I am currently working with online who have paid for an hour of my time are overjoyed that you have rung my doorbell and created this fucking circus in my house so that they can concentrate extra hard once the interruption has passed.

Look asshole.  I’ll tell you what the sign actually means, so that next time you won’t have to guess.

“NO SOLICTORS, AGENTS OR PEDDLERS” Means YOU.

It means that if I didn’t ask you to come over, I don’t want to talk to you.

It means that unless someone is dying or your house is on fire, or MY house is on fire, GO AWAY.

It means that even though 8:00pm doesn’t seem late to you, that is the time where I am desperately trying to convince my children to go to sleep by reading stories in a dimly lit room and cuddling until they fall asleep.  And that takes a really long time.  And if you ring my goddamn bell, I have to start the process all over again.  And THAT means you are now cutting into my precious, tiny window of adult time in the evening.

It means that I work from home, and you are interrupting me.

It means that that I already have a Bible, and Jesus knows where I live if there is anything He would like to discuss with me further.

It means don’t ring the bell.

It means that you are running the risk of getting vagina punched.

And it means that unless you are Channing Tatum, Lenny Kravitz, or Madonna, I will hate you.  It means that unless you can prove that you are one of these three people, kindly just go find something else to do with your time, and leave me out of it.  If you happen to be Channing, Lenny or Madonna, the rules don’t apply to you.

Although, Lenny Kravitz is a raw vegan now or something and I’m not sure I can handle that kind of nonsense in my house.  What would I offer him?  HI Lenny, wasn’t expecting you, can I offer you some romaine lettuce and a plum?

Anyway.  I don’t understand why people always think that these signs apply to everyone except for them.  I don’t have any money to give you, I’m already short on time, and I pretty much hate everyone until they prove not to be an asshole, and if you’re randomly knocking on my door your chances ain’t good of gaining anything but rage from me.

I just find all the cold calling and telemarketing annoying as it is, and now people are just starting to go door to door to get my attention.  It’s so invasive.

Seriously.

PS.  Channing, I’ll be waiting.

 

 

Miley. Oh Miley. You Whacked-Out Ho-Bag.

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Ok.  So.  I had to really think about whether or not I wanted to write about this crap.  I wasn’t sure if I wanted to give it more attention that it didn’t deserve.  But the truth is that I just simply cannot keep my opinions to myself.

I never paid much attention to Miley Cyrus before this ridiculous performance at the VMAs.  Why?  Because she wasn’t part of my demographic.  My children are not old enough to have lived through the Hannah Montana years, and I am too old to really give a fuck.

But I kept hearing stuff about the VMAs.  So I had to look it up.  HAD to.

And, well, we all know what happened.  If you don’t, just YouTube it, and you’ll really, really wish you hadn’t.  Almost in a “two girls, one cup” kind of way.  By the way, don’t YouTube that either.  It will give you porno-nightmares.

Anyway, this is what I think about poor Miley:

1.  Where is the HELL is her manager/publicist and parents?  You would think for someone so established in the industry, she would bloody well have somebody out there advising her against making a total and complete asshole of herself.   She is going to look back on this in a few years and wish she had either died before it happened or entered rehab a wee bit sooner.

2. Whatever point she was trying to make failed.  It was poorly planned, poorly rehearsed, and poorly performed.  If you are going to go acting like psycho-slut on stage, everything about it has to be meticulous. The performance has to be, for lack of a better term, tight.  Perfect.  She looked like she pounded a 26, took off her clothes, and started dancing on the speakers at some Coyote Ugly bar.  Except with giant teddy bears and ugly shoes.

3.  No one should ever try to create the kind of thing on stage that Madonna does unless you’re Madonna.  Or Lady Gaga.

4.  Brooke Shields was right when she called it desperate.  Heartbreakingly so.

5.  There may be no such thing as bad publicity, because we are all certainly talking about her now.  But the difference is that when Madonna wore her underpants over her clothes, we never questioned her credibility.  When Gaga wore a dress made out of beef, we never questioned her genius.  When Miley acted like a coked-out slut, singing badly on stage, we ceased to recognize her as an artist, and started to recognize her as a struggling young adult begging us to forget her as a child.

Seriously.  What is so wrong about not being an asshole?

Billy Ray.  Please.Talk.To.Your.Fucking.Kid.

Before she gets completely naked next time.