Bae, You Are My Best Ducking Frand.

If there was an award for worst texter ever, I would definitely be a front runner.  I literally cannot type words as fast as they come to my head and so my texts end up being a sea of nonsense with the word “ducking” splattered amongst all the other shit.

You would think that after all those years, my phone wold understand that the word ducking is simply not usable in all the ways that “fucking” is and that seriously who says ducking that much?

My IPhone also liked to change “OMG” to “IMF” whatever the hell that stands for.

So anyway, I began to assume that everybody else was challenged in the same way…..too big thumbs and a loser phone with no taste for colourful language.  I mean really, Steve Jobs?  Were you that much of a goody two shoes?

When I started seeing “bae” in texts or on Facebook, I thought people were trying to write “babe” but just having a typo.  Turns out it’s a new word in the Urban Dictionary.  Some other wonderfully ridiculous companions are “yas, frands, and jelly”.

I literally just found out about these words this week.  And here’s the thing:

YAS just means yes.

FRAND just means super friend.

JELLY means you’re an asshole who can’t spell jealous and gave up.

I seriously don’t know what to do with all this bullshit lazy slang going on here.  I mean, if Husband suddenly referred to me as his Bae, I’d be like: you know that’s a verb right?  The kind that wolves do when there’s a full moon?

And what fuck is even the point of YAS?  You’ve changed one letter and now everybody thinks you have some weird accent from a country that doesn’t have the letter E in their alphabet.

There’s already a word for FRAND, and it’s BESTIE.  We don’t need a million new words to describe the same goddamn thing.

I don’t know.  It just seems like a bunch of people got together and decided that wearing their jeans halfway down their ass and listening to hip hop wasn’t enough to make them appear to be all badass.  Now they have a lingo.  Except it’s the white-privileged -trying-to-be-cool lingo that really just makes you sound like an asshole.

It’s bad enough that texting has undone all the hard work teachers have worked for in school to help us learn to spell.  Everything is shortened because it takes too much time to write out full words in a text.  We are becoming so lazy and disconnected in our relationships that we can’t even be bothered to use real words and spell them out.

The English language is becoming so abbreviated that it looks like we’re trying to fit everything we say on a license plate.

As a lover of music and language, I just shake my head.  We are  such a lazy generation. Here’s an idea:  If you have so much to say that every word gets shortened into some bullshit slang that your Mom can’t understand, pick up the fucking phone instead, and talk like a human.

YAS!

The Dick In The Big White Truck

frabz.com

So yesterday I was driving home and I see this big white pickup truck in front of me with huge decal letters in its rear window.  I wish I would have taken a picture, but having your phone out while driving will cost you your first born and a couple bags of gold in this country.

Anyway, the message said something along the lines of ” If you can read English, say thank you to a Veteran for ensuring your freedom.  And if you can’t or won’t, then go back to your own country.”

What the ever living fuck?  I mean, it’s not like someone updated their Facebook status to say something ignorant.  This fucking prick actually went out and spent all this money to make sure every person who passed him on the road knows what kind of racist he is.

Ok.  So clearly he’s a veteran.  And to that I say:  “Thank you.  Thank you so much so voluntarily risking your life to ensure the bad guys don’t win and I can enjoy not wearing  a cloth over my face or be subjected to some evil dictator.  Thank you for ensuring that the liberties I enjoy remain in place. ”

And then I look up and thank God I am white, and was born in this country.

I just kept thinking how this guy clearly didn’t understand what he was fighting for. Aren’t we a country that tries to help others?  That brings people in need here?   Canada is built on it’s multiculturalism.

And just because someone holds on to their own cultural identity and traditions, doesn’t mean they aren’t embracing and appreciating what their new adopted country is offering them.  I mean, if I moved to North Korea for example, I would still want to celebrate Christmas and eat maple syrup and all that jazzy Canadian shit. But I’d still try Kimchi and immerse myself in Korean traditions. The difference is that sick fuck in charge would probably have my head chopped off for being different.  I like to think that Canada is little better than that.

I find it really hard to believe that a veteran who has seen some of the horrible places and conditions in this world would think that people shouldn’t have an opportunity to have a better life.  He fought for that.   But if a refugee comes here and doesn’t speak enough English they can jut go back to where they come from? I would like to see how quickly he would learn Arabic. Or Chinese.

C’mon dude.  You should be so completely ashamed of yourself.

End rant.

F You, Silent K

http://www.spelling-words-well.com

This is probably the most pointless thing I will ever write.  But seriously, I hate spelling in the English language.

As with other things in life that should be simple, we have this tendency to make things harder.  Like we just want to make sure the kids are paying attention sometimes in class.

Top Ten words that should not be fucking spelled the way they’re spelled:

1.  Knife.  Come on.  What the hell is the “k” for?  K is for Kidding.  As in, just kidding,  knife doesn’t start with an “n”

2. Dough.  Homer Simpson finally gets it right.  “Doh” makes way more sense.

3. Jalapeno.  I don’t give a shit if it’s Spanish.  It’s prnounced “h”.  Spell it with a fucking “h”.

4. Height.  It sounds like kite.  I vote for “hite”.

5. Jaromir Jagr.  So technically, this is a name.  He’s Russian.  So what.  The Y rule should win.

6. Knight and Night.  See number 1 and number 4.

7. Colonel.   It’s pronounced “kernel.  It looks like COLON-el.  Is this a round about way of calling military leaders asses?

8. Neighbor.  Also, Neighbour, if you’re Canadian.    Should be spelled “Naybore” unless you’re an asshole.

9.  Zebra.  Unless you’re British, where they don’t pronounce it Zeebra.  Also, the Brits can pretty much do whatever they want with that accent.

10. Vaccuum.  What the fuck, double, U?